I cheated on my girlfriend after 15 months of dating. We were planning on getting married. After I confessed to her she didn’t want to see or talk to me again. It has been 3 weeks since and we have talked a few times and I actually got to see her two times this past week. She came to my house one time for some stuff and ended up not taking any of it. Then Friday we went to a function and dinner together and it was really good.
Now she said that there is a big chance that we could get back together, but she wants to make sure that it’s from God and nothing that either one of us had to do with. She doesn’t want to talk for at least a month, maybe more…and that really scares me. I know I messed up really bad. I have actually been working really hard on fixing what went wrong on my part. I’m seeing a counselor and God has been doing a lot of work in my life. She even mentioned that she could see how much I have changed, but wants to know that it’s going to last.
My question is, if she doesn’t contact me within a month, would it be wise for me to call her or should I just wait until she calls? I love her so much and I want what’s best for both of us, so I don’t want to pressure or push her in any way.
Let me first say, confessing and seeing a counselor is a hard and honorable thing. Good job.
However, as you have learned, cheating on someone is no small matter.
My guess (and I could be wrong) is that you two have a very intense and emotional relationship. She tells you she never wants to see you again, and then is going to an event with you weeks later. She tells you not to call her, and you do.
Sounds like there are very unclear and disregarded boundaries.
My recommendation, since I believe there is always space for grace and redemption…is to keep seeing your counselor and make an extended period of time where you are both in agreement that you will not communicate. You both need the space to heal, pray and think independently of one another.
And you both need to be consistent with your words.
It might seem romantic to call her when she says “No,” but it’s not being an honorable man. Think about it…If you can’t be consistent with your words, (i.e. following through on “no communication”) how will you be consistent with your actions in marriage?
Once that period of time is up (I suggest multiple months), I believe if it hasn’t been done already, you both should find an older, wise couple in your church community who would be willing to mentor the two of you together. Live your relationship in the light and be open about your struggles to others. There is no shame in this. Instead view it as protection for you both.
We all will benefit from dating and doing marriage in community.
Whether you get back together or go your separate ways, I know pain and sin can be redeemed as you both strive to authentically see the grace of Christ on your lives.
For now…Don’t call.
Joy
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This question could have easily come out of my own history.
About 6 years ago, I found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. It was devastating and very confusing. I can relate to that whole thing of never wanting to see him again, and then hanging out. It seems so hard to walk away, but it seems so hard to stay.
Somehow, I ended up marrying him just over a year ago. I don’t know if that offers some hope to you.
I just want to point out that trying to build trust back up is very hard work for both parties involved. I think it took us about 2 years between the cheatin being revealed to a place where we felt we could be in a relationship again. From where we are now, we’d tell you it was worth it. But there are never any guarantees.
I would agree with setting boundaries that you both agree on and sticking to them, even when the other might feel like breaking them. And be accountable. to each other and to the community.
Also identify why you cheated in the first place and work out what you’ll do differently next time. Those temptations will always exist and its better to work out now how to deal with them. Don’t pretend that the situation won’t ever happen again.
[It might seem romantic to call her when she says “No,” but it’s not being an honorable man. Think about it…If you can’t be consistent with your words, (i.e. following through on “no communication”) how will you be consistent with your actions in marriage?”]
Spot on, let your yes be yes and your no be no. Time is needed for healing here with much Grace and Mercy. Way to go being a man and seeking help!
been there thinks...
Amazingly wise advise. How did you get so wise, Joy? I have to second this… three weeks is not long enough to prove a transformation or to heal a betrayed heart. I wonder if this couple is already having sex, which makes it harder to give each other space AND to bring your real relationship into community.
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