Do you think the majority of Christians get married at a young age or rush into it to have sex due to the pressures of the church, the Bible or peers telling you to wait until you’re married? Also, do you think it ties into the high rate of Christians getting a divorce?
Personally, I think the trend of Christians getting married at a young age is starting to decrease a bit. The delay in marriage that we see in culture is also becoming more prevalent in the church. But you are right, many Christians “got married just to have sex” which can be unhealthy and set the couple up for difficulties.
To answer your question directly — It may tie into divorce if having sex was the ONLY reason to get married. Then we can conclude that the couple probably neglected addressing other issues in their relationship. However, I don’t think it is the reason we can blame for the high rate of divorce.
Statistically, anyone getting married in their teens and very early 20’s is going to be faced with a greater “chance” for divorce. But the statistic also applies to people who don’t get married until their late 30’s or who have been married multiple times. What concerns me is the fact that so many people are looking for some stat, someone or some church to blame for their divorce. There will ALWAYS be difficulties in this life. Even if you got married at 27, had steady incomes, stable childhoods and were super-volunteers in your community…you wouldn’t be divorce-proof. (Personally I believe a lack of understanding true love and respect can fester and be at the root of many problems that lead to divorce, but that would be a whole book’s worth of explaining. Oh wait…I think my dad wrote that book.)
Your great question triggered some opinions and thoughts I have about Christians and Sex which I decided to share…but I could be wrong…(As if you didn’t know that.)
Pray for wisdom when you give advice or share your story with singles. Are you getting to know them and using the truth of scripture, or are you projecting your own story and giving advice based on your experience? If you waited to have sex until you were married and then your marriage failed, be careful in how you dismiss, disregard or devalue the Biblical commands regarding sexual intimacy.
If you waited to kiss until your wedding day and it worked for you…awesome. But be careful to not tell everyone that this is how it MUST be. Scripture doesn’t say this is a must. (Praise the Lord.) This type of approach combined with, “it’s what everyone else should do because it worked for us,” is the kind of thing that can easily make a kid who doesn’t understand the “why” make God into a game where they “win” by holding out and being “good.” I believe God is for us disciplining ourselves and abstaining because we believe his plan for us is freeing. If we simply act “good” without belief, then it’s legalism and a pat on our back for our own human accomplishments.
As you teach kids about God’s design for sex, point them first towards their belief in God. If they believe in God’s word and desire to learn it’s instructions as a gateway to FREEDOM instead of rules, then they will understand the “why” better. Strive to teach a biblical and scientific understanding of the body and how God designed sex to bond us into a monogamous relationship.
A “don’t do that or you will feel dirty” approach doesn’t really reflect God. He didn’t design sex as dirty so when you tell kids they will feel this way they either, a) suppress their sexuality because they fear feeling dirty or b) become sexual…enjoy the way they feel and most likely, walk away from the church or live a dual life because they concluded their church was simply trying to “scare them” into being good.
For the Christians who went to Sunday Schools that taught they would burn in hell if they had sex, I am truly sorry.
For the others…
I could be wrong, but I believe many of us may have a foggy view of what the church taught us. There was probably a fairly balanced view of sex that focused on God’s beautiful design…but somehow, all we believe we heard was… “sex is bad.” Did the church teach that or did culture tell us we were brainwashed? Until recently that’s what I felt I was taught, but on deeper reflection, I can’t really remember the church saying that. As I pondered this, I realized I was probably an awkward teen who was more comfortable talking with my peers than a Sunday School teacher who had probably known me since I was born and changed my diaper in the nursery.
Awkward.
Regardless of our experience, I don’t think we can really blame our choices and actions on the church or other people who freaked us out. Our life experiences and outside factors shape us and make things more or less difficult, but for the most part, we get to choose. I know the choices I have made have usually been 100% up to me. It’s my responsibility to figure out what I believe now, how I will live out my beliefs and take ownership of the choices I will make today. I am an adult. It’s time to stop blaming.
So, in a round about way I am not sure that addresses your question, but my hope is that we see the bigger picture. It’s important to notice outside factors that influence us, shape us and contribute to our choices…but ultimately we need to take responsibility to figure out what we believe and how we will live.
From my heart,
Joy
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Val – Such a great additions as usual. Love it. I discussed some thoughts on the 1 Cor passage a bit more in this post: https://www.loveandrespectnow.com/?p=1851
Like you said, if we are having trouble we need to ask “why.” I think Paul recommends getting married if you “burn” to the Christian whose mission is to serve the Lord. However, when that audience shifts to nominal Christians who only hear it as a “don’t” in the context of their rights and not a belief that their life has a greater mission beyond sex and marriage…then it seems legalistic. Does that make sense? What do you think?
You need to write a blog on the “over-spiritualization” topic–I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.
Your last paragraph gives much to think about as well. There are also those cultures where having a child is more respectable than being married which also impacts how women and men see and value sex and marriage.
Also, have you read Sexuality and Holy Longing by Lisa McMinn? Another great “sex” book that has impacted my thinking and our view of scripture and sexuality.
I don’t think the marriage thing has much at all to do with sex. It has much to do with hoped for safety and security. Sex can happen and does in any arena of relationship. Our present young generation is a scared, lost people who long for safety and security. They have grown up in brokenness. Many do not know their fathers. Many live with mothers who have had multiple men. They want security far more than sex. So let’s talk about what matters far more than marrying because of the sex thing. Sex will never produce what safety and security will. And we know that really begins at the cross. The answer to safety and security.
Val thinks...
GREAT job. Very well written . You bought out lots of the points Winner does in “real sex”.
Something Winner mentions in her book is how in 1 Cor 7:9, Paul actually seems to recommend getting married if you’re having trouble not having sex. This flies in the face of our “don’t get married just because you want to have sex” philosophy.
But, of course, Paul can be used how ever we want to use him. So we need to be careful interpreting him. If you’re having trouble keeping sex within the parameters of marriage, a good question would be to ask “why”. I think you address those things in your three paragraphs above.
I have some thoughts regarding the “over spiritualization” of sex that I think the church sometimes propagates, but that’s outside of the scope of this question, and is only tangentially related.
Some more somewhat scattered thoughts…
Let’s just be careful, as we consider marriage and getting into intimate relationships, not to turn sex into something that defines you as an adult. You’re not going to suddenly become more mature if you start having sex. Sometimes it works the other way around, in fact. I wonder if the factors that cause people to marry young are multi-faceted, like you mentioned. One factor might be the desire to be independent and to establish “respectability” in the adult world. I think this type of thing might happen more often in poor/rural areas in the US, where single-ness can either leave you vulnerable or socially outcast, than we’d like to think.
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