Ask Joy

My name is Dannie and I have recently been listening to your parents’ audio book. I am only 18 and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who is 22, for only a year, but we’ve considered marriage a lot. I know it sounds too young, but it’s just something that’s been on our minds ever since we’ve been together.

So here is my question:

Within the past year we’ve struggled a lot with communication. The way we argue isn’t the nicest. I have also been struggling with fully trusting him. Small things—like Facebook, texting, school—I just feel iffy about.

How can I rebuild trust and communicate with him without hurting or upsetting him? I am not great at communication, but I have started writing an outline for myself where I state the issue followed by explained reasons for my distrust and possible solutions.

—Dannie

My Response

Dannie,

First of all, thanks for putting your name in the submission. It’s fun to reply in a more personalized fashion!

Your question is honest and heartfelt, and I am so proud of you for wanting to have healthy and open communication with your boyfriend. If at age 18 you desire to grow and be a better communicator, I have a feeling you are someone who is going to be used to help other people with their relationship communication someday.

Keep asking questions!

Regarding your question of how to communicate your needs and fears with him in a way that won’t hurt him, I would say what you are doing is pretty healthy. By writing out the issues, you are able to prepare yourself instead of speaking out of emotion in the heat of the moment. You will be much more rational when you bring the issues to him.

I do, however, have some questions that I want to propose—before he does:

1. You fear upsetting him when you share your heart. If he is a man who consistently gets upset when you respectfully share your fears and needs, he probably is feeling convicted, and you should see this as a red flag.

2. Another red flag is that you are 18 years old and have been talking about marriage with this man “ever since you’ve been together.” I know it can feel really fun to talk about and imagine marriage, but it can also (especially at a young age) propel feelings in a way that is not realistic. I would hold off on talking about marriage and address the issues that are concerning to you. Which leads me to my final point…

3. Trust. You already have checks in your spirit about whether he’s a trustworthy man. Do not ignore these. I don’t know the details, but I would take these “little things” and pray about them and pray for wisdom. Talk to older people in your life who know you both and share your concerns with them while being careful not to unnecessarily bash your boyfriend.

I hesitate to make any huge statements about this guy since I have only heard from you, but please be careful and talk to your parents, a pastor or a wise older person in your life.

At this point, my gut says marriage should be on the back burner for you. A really far back burner. But don’t be discouraged; with prayer and wise counsel, I am sure you will know what to do. Have hope.

From my heart,

Joy