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Why do nice guys always finish last? I would love to be in a relationship, but I’m known as the “nice guy.” I’m always more like a brother than a boyfriend. Most of my female friends are much more attracted to “bad boys” because there is a sense of danger, which I hear is attractive to women.
Do women ever grow out of that feeling, or am I doomed to “always be the groomsman, never the groom”?
Thank you for sharing your disappointment. It must be very discouraging if the “brother” card has been pulled time and time again for you. It probably makes you want to throw up a little when you hear, “I picture you like my brother Ned.”
And you’re like, “Do you want to kiss your brother Ned?”
Well guess what? I hear these types of statements from women, too.
“When will it be my turn?” “Why do all the guys settle for girls that are X, Y and Z?” “Will I always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?”
It’s very easy to take our own experiences and make blanket statements about all men or all women. When I was nearing the end of college I noticed that most of the women who were getting proposed to were becoming teachers and nurses. I felt like we were still living in the 1950s and was disappointed that I was getting bypassed because I didn’t want to draw blood or teach kids algebra. (Ok, even if I wanted to teach kids algebra, I couldn’t have…)
The point is, you have been let down, and the women you have had feelings for have chosen men who are not as noble as you see yourself. Let’s say this has happened to you 10 or maybe even 20 times. That has to be pretty frustrating. But take a step back. That’s only 20 women.
Do you think there are more than 20, 30, or even 40 women out there in the world?
Try not to make blanket statements in the midst of your own pain because over time it will create a lens through which you see all women. You will start to believe they are all this way, and eventually it may turn you into a person who lives in fear and lacks grace for the women around you who might actually be possibilities.
If you are a believer, my bigger question for you is this:
Do you trust that the Lord is good and that He wants to use your gifts in this life? If you rest in that knowledge and in the reality that life may not look like you thought it would—while still making your requests for a wife known to God—you can live knowing that you are being obedient and are trusting the bigger picture. This outlook won’t cure your longings for a partner, but it will change the lens through which you see life and, hopefully, your expectations of a wife.
To answer your question of whether women ever grow out of wanting the “bad boys,” all I can say is that I hear plenty of women say they are looking for a good, honorable man. I’m not sure whether they used to be James Dean ladies, but I know what they are looking for now.
Be strong and continue to live an honorable life (filled with grace for people who don’t live up to your expectations). I look forward to your finding “bridesmaids” who are waiting for a “groomsman” just like you.
Keep your lens clear and your eyes on the bouquet toss.
From my heart,
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.