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Why do nice guys always finish last? I would love to be in a relationship, but I’m known as the “nice guy.” I’m always more like a brother than a boyfriend. Most of my female friends are much more attracted to “bad boys” because there is a sense of danger, which I hear is attractive to women.
Do women ever grow out of that feeling, or am I doomed to “always be the groomsman, never the groom”?
Thank you for sharing your disappointment. It must be very discouraging if the “brother” card has been pulled time and time again for you. It probably makes you want to throw up a little when you hear, “I picture you like my brother Ned.”
And you’re like, “Do you want to kiss your brother Ned?”
Well guess what? I hear these types of statements from women, too.
“When will it be my turn?” “Why do all the guys settle for girls that are X, Y and Z?” “Will I always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?”
It’s very easy to take our own experiences and make blanket statements about all men or all women. When I was nearing the end of college I noticed that most of the women who were getting proposed to were becoming teachers and nurses. I felt like we were still living in the 1950s and was disappointed that I was getting bypassed because I didn’t want to draw blood or teach kids algebra. (Ok, even if I wanted to teach kids algebra, I couldn’t have…)
The point is, you have been let down, and the women you have had feelings for have chosen men who are not as noble as you see yourself. Let’s say this has happened to you 10 or maybe even 20 times. That has to be pretty frustrating. But take a step back. That’s only 20 women.
Do you think there are more than 20, 30, or even 40 women out there in the world?
Try not to make blanket statements in the midst of your own pain because over time it will create a lens through which you see all women. You will start to believe they are all this way, and eventually it may turn you into a person who lives in fear and lacks grace for the women around you who might actually be possibilities.
If you are a believer, my bigger question for you is this:
Do you trust that the Lord is good and that He wants to use your gifts in this life? If you rest in that knowledge and in the reality that life may not look like you thought it would—while still making your requests for a wife known to God—you can live knowing that you are being obedient and are trusting the bigger picture. This outlook won’t cure your longings for a partner, but it will change the lens through which you see life and, hopefully, your expectations of a wife.
To answer your question of whether women ever grow out of wanting the “bad boys,” all I can say is that I hear plenty of women say they are looking for a good, honorable man. I’m not sure whether they used to be James Dean ladies, but I know what they are looking for now.
Be strong and continue to live an honorable life (filled with grace for people who don’t live up to your expectations). I look forward to your finding “bridesmaids” who are waiting for a “groomsman” just like you.
Keep your lens clear and your eyes on the bouquet toss.
From my heart,
Joy
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
A season of singleness can be frustrating but when in it, try to make the most of it. Keep reading God’s word as well as good biblically-based writings on preparing for marriage. As Kaitlyn pointed out, take time to appreciate the positive attributes of being “like a brother” and realize what those things are and if there are any other attributes worth acquiring.
Long periods of singleness can create vulnerability for settling. There’s an old saying that ‘God’s delays are not necessarily God’s denials’. Use the time to understand those things for which to settle for or not. Don’t settle on matters of character or faith. Be flexible on things like looks, cat person vs. dog person, SEC football vs. PAC-10 football, etc.
It’s not that women are attracted to bad boys. Some are, I suppose, but that’s something they may or may not grow out of. Women are attracted to confidence. And when someone writes in calling himself a nice guy and says lines like “always the groomsman, never the groom”, it’s a safe bet he’s not bursting with self-assurance.
As for building confidence, that’s easier said than done. Maybe start with a camping trip or something.
Kaitlyn – Good thoughts. I think I can be skeptical of the “check list” but often I think by listing what we desire we can say, “here you go God. This is my desire,” and then trust Him to show up. I think it also helps us to realize that some of the things we are holding out for are really shallow. Feelings will grow if it’s the right person. And as my mother says, “You don’t have to marry the guy! So be nice!” I think many women use the “I see you as a brother” card because they are scared to give someone a chance and think a chance means marriage.
John B – “Long periods of singleness can create vulnerability…” So true! Great words John.
Ria – Glad you liked. (-:
Jordan – I think you got to a big part of the issue. And don’t forget that during the camping trip everyone should lock arms while someone falls back in their arms. Lets build self confidence AND trust while we are at it.
First i would like to say that i am by no means a well of wisdom, but i do have just a little bit of experience in this area. I am a Christ following male college student, and i have many friends both male and female and see many of them in relationships, some with each other, but for some reason i am the guy that all the girls can depend on, and can always run to for help. A friend even made a joke ” Tim… oh yeah… he is DFF… Down For Friendship… haha”. I found this very troubling until recently, when in a Bible study the leader went over how Marriage is just and earthy model of how our relationship with Christ is supposed to be. it was then that God brought it to my attention that I still don’t know how to love. As i continue to grow closer to God i will gradually begin to be able to love the way it is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. So these times of singleness can and should be a time of building your “vertical” relationship, with Christ, so that he can show and help you build those “horizontal” relationships, even that of a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Another thing i would like to say to any guys that are reading is that being the nice guy is not a bad thing. I have had teammates tell me that i am just “too nice” so girls just want to be my friend, that i should be a little more of a jerk and they will chase after me. Okay so what i want is a relationship, but what if what those girls that i am “just friends” with really need a “good” guy in their life to be there and help them through a hard time? Another perk, i guess you could say, of being the “good” guy is that it makes the girls think, “what is it that is keeping so and so from hitting on me, we hang out all the time and he hasn’t tried anything” and this opens the door to share Christ with non-believers.
Being just the “nice guy” friend to girls can also catch the attention of guys and open up doors to witness to them as well. Not too long ago i had a guy that i kind of passively knew, stop me in the cafeteria at school and tell me ” Tim i hate you” but he said this with a smile, and i was like well how can i get rid of this hate you have for me? and he said ” you can get rid of that purity ring” and i was like nah, not gonna happen. Then he said, “well it isn’t that i hate you, it is that i really don’t get you and it pisses me off” so i asked him what he meant, and he explained ” you hang out and are friends with all of these hot, beautiful girls, but you never have any promiscuous sexual encounters with any of them”.. and that gave me a chance to share. people notice whether you realize it or not.
Just continue to BE LOVE to those around you and pursue Christ, and if it is God’s will that you get married then he will also be preparing the heart of your future husband or wife. But in the meantime you can change the lives of those around you by just continuing to be the “nice” guy.
Lindsay – Thanks! Couldn’t have done it with out the help of all my creative and talented friends. (que symphony music)
Jenny – Well said…depressing but well said.
Tim – Thanks for sharing your heart and what you have learned. I appreciate you holding women to such high esteem. I hope one day you ask one of those hot girls out on a date! Looks like you have the admiration and respect of the men around you, so they could probably learn from watching your example in the dating arena too!
Keep up the good work and thanks for being so open and honest with your peers. Very commendable.
Kaitlyn thinks...
Joy,
He is most definitely not the only one who has ever felt this way. It’s easy to become frustrated when you are single, and wonder why “nobody wants you.” I myself have never been in a relationship (In my 20 short years of life), and it’s not for lack of opportunity. (Although I definitely don’t mean this in a vain way.) My guess is that this man is not in a relationship, because he has done the honorable thing, and has not settled for someone he knows he cannot be happy with, as have I. Often, when we are single, it is natural to think that it is not our “fault,” and that there must be something wrong with the opposite gender. (I’d like to point out here that I don’t think there is anything WRONG with being single, although I admit that it can be very frustrating.) Perhaps this man needs to focus on himself-what can he do to make himself available to good, honorable women?
On another note, women may say that they think of him as a brother, but if their brothers are good, honorable men, why wouldn’t they want someone like their brother? Just something to think about. I think we (both genders) have a tendency to have a “checklist” in regards to the opposite sex. “If you don’t meet these requirements that I have set forth, I will not be in a relationship with you.” In reality, we need to look at GOD’S checklist: What does he want for us? What does he wish for our life, that we may not even have considered? That is where true happiness, and love, lays.
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