Ask Joy

My fiancé and I are getting married in April. We are working very hard to live for Jesus and make him our first priority and incorporate him into our relationship; however, it is new to both of us. We don’t see eye to eye on something that is bothering me: bachelor/bachelorette parties. He wants to go out with the guys, and I don’t want a party.

I feel as though doing a separate party is celebrating being single when you should be celebrating togetherness and the excitement of being married, but I don’t think he sees or understands it the way I do. None of his friends are Christians, so it makes me uncomfortable, and he has had issues before with this group of guys.

How do you think I should approach this?

My Response

It’s easy in this time of wedding planning to want everything to be “together.” While marriage is the most intimate union two people can have, it is also important for you each to maintain healthy friendships apart from your relationship with one another.

Your fiancé may not see it the way you do, and that’s OK to some degree. I have been to bachelorette parties of all different kinds. So it’s important for you to discuss what you both think a bachelor or bachelorette party would involve.

Sit down with him and have a mature conversation. Who knows, your idea of a bachelor party filled with strippers and keg stands may be very different than what he is planning with his guy friends.

My assumption is that these parties are for you a symbol of your past way of life that might hurt the heart of God, and so you want to protect your fiancé from temptation. This is an honorable thing. But beyond protecting your fiancé, I think it is important for you to ask yourself whether you believe your fiancé is trustworthy.

If he’s not, this is a huge red flag that you should pay attention to before you tie the knot.

If he is, I would encourage you to ask yourself two questions:

1)   Is my concern rooted in a desire to honor God with our lives?

2)   Am I trying to use God as a reason to get my fiancé to do what I want?

If your answer is yes to question 1, your fiancé will be able to hear your heart as you share your concerns. Share with him in a calm, kind, respectful manner what your idea of a bachelor party entails and why it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him if he can help you come up with a plan to celebrate wedding festivities in a way that’s meaningful to both of you. Share with him your desire to live in the freedom of Christ’s instructions as opposed to “conforming to the behaviors and customs of this world” (Romans 12:2).

Maybe you may want to say something like: “I know you are a good and honorable man who loves the Lord and holds himself to a higher standard. I trust you, and I simply need your help making sense of my fears and hesitations.”

It’s easy when you first start to follow Christ to reject anything that resembles your past life, but I would encourage you both to try to approach life wisely, as Christ would, instead of out of fear. Don’t run away from the world, but live in the world as a reflection of your transformation in Him.

From my heart,

Joy