What do you do when many of the men your age at church seem childish and not ready to pursue marriage?
Find another church that will satisfy your definition of a man.
Seriously though, I’m not really sure what you should “do” but here are some of my thoughts on how as a woman you might be able to be an agent of change.
When someone is believed in, his or her capacity to achieve can be incredible.
Think about it. Many of us women have grown up in a generation who have been told, for the most part, that we could do or be anything we set our minds on.
I’m personally influenced everyday by women who are strong, articulate, and smart…and sometimes that is simply due to the access I have to them on the internet. They don’t even know I exist! Many of us (and I know there are exceptions) were raised in homes and/or schools that not only believed in us, but empowered us to believe and achieve great things.
I am so grateful.
In the same way, if men have been told that they’re passive, insensitive, sexual beasts or childish, at what point do you think that message seeps into their belief system?
(Side note: If you want to understand more about this, I recommend a fascinating book called The War Against Boys by Christina Hoff Sommers. It looks at how recent American culture has influenced this next generation of men.
If you’re a male, know a male, or plan on having children who may be male, read this book. Also, if you’re someone who cares about equality and the ethics of research and propaganda, you should also consider giving it a read.)
So, as I thought about this question, I asked myself:
Joy, how can we shift our view of men as being childish? Are they really childish? Is there a reason many of them seem “not ready” for marriage?
I wonder if this generation of men feels less capable than women? I wonder if our lack of belief in their maturity causes them to feel that they don’t have much to contribute? I wonder if men don’t value marriage as much because it’s easier to be childish today? I wonder if our parents babied ALL of us too much, causing us to be narcissistic and childish in our own ways?
Yeah, let’s blame it on our parents.
I love the survey done by Shaunti Feldhahn, author of For Women Only, which asks a group of men if they would rather:
a) be left alone and unloved in the world?
or
b) feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?
74% of men said they’d rather be left alone and unloved in the world. To me, this speaks volumes.
It screams that how we treat men does affect them.
Guess what? Men aren’t stupid and they do have feelings. If women, our culture, or the church are having conversations about their passivity, childishness, and inability to marry, I’m pretty sure the guys are aware.
If a majority of men would rather be left alone than feel inadequate, then it makes perfect sense that they wouldn’t want to actively pursue the very women who make them feel that way. (Not to mention, a man’s ability to procreate is much longer than a woman’s, meaning they can afford to take their time to decide if they reaaaaally want to have a family or not.)
So, my point? Will complaining about these men motivate them to grow up and come after us?
Doubt it.
My belief is that it’s going to take effort for us to believe in their strengths and focus on that instead of the ways we feel let down by them. For those of you who were little girls growing up hearing messages of “girl power,” wouldn’t you agree that it feels good to be believed in?
As an empowered woman of this generation, I believe that I’m capable of a number of things, including empowering men and not being fearful that by doing so, I’ll lose my strength as an equal. If you fear that empowering others will make you less powerful, then I suggest you shift your perception of what a powerful person embodies.
If you have the power to empower someone, I’d say… “more power to you.”
I am embarrassed that “more power to you” was just typed from my brain. But hopefully you get my point which in a very round about way, answered your question.
From my heart,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
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Wow, that is interesting! I am ashamed to say that I am guilty as charged.
In my case; I grew up in a family with only girls, and needless-to-say, the male members of my extended family were anything but exemplary. For that reason , I often find myself grouping all men in the same basket.
Having said that, you are absolutely right; whether one is a woman or a man, one has a right to prove oneself worthy, and with that to be loved, needed, and understood.
Great response Joy! What are some ways we can empower the men in our life?
JOY. THIS IS FANTASTIC. I was talking about this with some friends last night, about what it can mean for a man to have someone, in the case of our conversation a woman, respect and believe in him. I agree, as well, with what you said about how empowering men doesn’t make you less powerful. I bought into that lie for a long time. Struggling to live into the freedom of the truth that empowering and respecting men is a GOOD thing has been such a growing experience, and I think doing that is part of what God is using to prepare me (uses to prepare women who struggle with that) for marriage.
Thanks for your insight.
Joy- awesome response. I know that I have seen women that I’m closedealing with their husbands, boyfriends, or friends that are guys not love them in the midst of their sin- or struggles. I’ve seen these lables and stipulations that husbands are being held up to (as a Christian woman its right of them to do so Biblically) however, forgetting to love them in the middle of it, help them grow and help them work through it. I can only imagine a single male watching this occure and not feeling like it would even be remotely comfortable to be vulnerable or develope a feeling of not being adequiate for marriage and being ready. So possibly if we learn to love as Jesus has loved, there might be a different view on “maturity and childish” ? taking the focus off ourselves and why they aren’t ready for us- and why they can’t meet our standards, and focus on them and loving them- would possibly lessen the blow of childish and immature.
ps. sorry for the spelling errors… i dont have spell check on this and i was traumatized in 4th grade of spelling.
Kathy – It’s been awhile since I’ve heard from you on here and I remember why I like your comments. You are smart, balanced, insightful and really really good looking.
Jacqui – You will be that much greater of an example to those around you because of what you have had to overcome. I am impressed by your willingness to be strong.
Ashley – I would observe the men who you feel you have influence with and take note of what they value or how they are skilled. Let them know through words or actions that you notice and are impressed. Probably similar to the way you are encouraged when people pay attention to you and take the time to encourage your gifts.
Haley – YES! And that is why I want to start 4th wave feminism. Empowering women for true equality. We can discuss this more in person. (-:
RK – I didn’t notice spelling errors because I can’t spell. I think you are right…I have spoken to a number of single men who say they can’t believe how their married friend’s wives will speak to them…especially in public. I get the sense that it confirms any fears they have about wanting to settle down if “settling down” looks like what they see and how they will be treated.
Cannot wait!
“If you have the power to empower someone, I’d say… more power to you.” <—- that's fantastic 😀
K, resurrecting an old conversation. Especially because it ties with the post you resurrected yesterday:
https://loveandrespectnow.com/2010/05/is-respect-only-earned/
My best friend and I were talking about this very thing recently, especially since she just read “Why Men Hate Church.”
I always thought that I had to find a man who had it together more than I did and was more mature than me in every way so that he could be my spiritual head. I thought that is the only way I could respect him.
Needless to say, the pool of acceptable males was very, very tiny. Then I considered a male friend whom I had previously crossed off my list as “immature.” I realized that with his godly character and kind disposition, and the spiritual environment in which he placed himself, he fully had the potential to be husband material. I began to believe in him, that he would grow into a great man one day. He was un-crossed-off the list.
I think you are absolutely right that men respond to genuine belief in them. I also believe that they grow to earn the respect that is shown them.
I think my change of attitude regarding that friend allowed me to see the seed of greatness in the man who loves me now, and to treat him with the respect that he needs, rather than expecting him to deserve it. It is so empowering to think that through my prayers and faith in God and in him, I can actually play a role in him becoming the man he is destined to be.
Joy, I have heard that “men would rather be alone and unloved” research from you and your parents for years, but NEVER made that crystal clear connection you made here: “If a majority of men would rather be left alone than feel inadequate, then it makes perfect sense that they wouldn’t want to actively pursue the very women who make them feel that way.”
WOW! SPOT ON! So helpful for applying the research. Sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
Wow. I’ve never heard this articulated before. Especially in Portland. Thank you
Kathy thinks...
There are Christian men out there who do want to get married and aren’t afraid to pursue women. If they’re not at your church, they might be friends of friends or even online.
Women can believe in their guy friends and pursue (or be open to) relationships elsewhere at the same time. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
On another note, I think this points to a need for men (in all stages of life) at church to encourage and teach each other what it means to be strong men/leaders. The empowering can and should come from their own camp, too.
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