I am a 20-year-old woman, in school, working part-time, and dancing every day. I am completely happy with myself, inside and out. The only thing I feel is missing in my life is a relationship.
I’ve actually never been in a relationship. I date, but it falls through every time. I keep searching for this “spark” or connection and seem to be having trouble finding it.
I know I don’t need a guy to make me happy, but I still want to find someone to share my time with. Any advice for a satisfied-but-still-kind-of-lonely girl?
Keep dating! Or expand your unicorn collection, like I have done. Both are equally enjoyable, but the latter is far more valuable on eBay.
When you are lonely, remember that you are not alone. There are lots of lonely people out there, which can be slightly depressing to think about, but also cool in the sense that you can see what God meant when He said He designed us in His image.
He desires to be in contact with us and wants us to desire spending time with Him. We can understand His longing for us as we have our own human desires for relationship.
Friendship or dating relationship, we need people. If someone says they don’t need people, my guess is they have been wounded and put up a wall.
But, like I said in the beginning, keep dating. You may not feel a spark or a connection right away, but give people a chance. That whole “love at first sight” thing isn’t for everyone, so don’t think you are abnormal if your love for someone grows over time.
The reality is, only one person is going to work out—so if dates are offered and you have the desire, go out on them!
When the dates aren’t knocking down your door, think about your loneliness and the void you have. Then think about God and how He desires to be in a relationship with you. One way you can let your relationship with God be manifested in a tangible way is by serving other lonely people. Don’t know any? Pray that God will open your eyes and, I promise, you will see them—and Him.
Matthew 25:35–40
“‘For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
From my heart,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
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Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Collecting unicorns definitely sounds like more fun than dating!
Singleness can be such a blessing! A great time to dedicate yourself to God.
Joy, you make a great point that the whole “love at first sight” thing isn’t the way that relationships work for many people. It’s hard to remember since it’s a value so prominently displayed in our culture.
At the same time I think that there is a delicate balance between allowing time for feelings to grow and leading someone on… and I think that balance is usually really difficult to strike.
For some reason I am just really struck by the part of the question that says, “I just keep searching for that spark… and have trouble finding it.”
I’d love to hear from some other readers (and Joy).
How important is the “spark” in the beginning of a relationship? Can it come later? How long should a person wait for the spark to come?
Any married readers out there? Have your experiences with “the spark” led you down the right path? The wrong one?
Any thoughts about how long is too long to wait?
She spoke of a spark or a “connection”… I believe if there is no “connection” even in the first conversation, then….. I wouldn’t hold my breath about there being a relationship. Don’t give up on love, but don’t chase it in a frenzy… it will flee. Do the things you love, be the person you were born to be, serve others, and step a bit out of your comfort zone every once in a while and you will bump into that special someone who will share your interests and make a great partner. As far as the spark…. you can spark with plenty of people who will make poor partners… so don’t let that be an indication that you’ve found THE one. There is not a worst “lonely” than being in a marriage where you’re not loved and cherished. Choose carefully, it is a lifetime commitment.
Great question, Ally. And I’m not sure I have any answers… I can only offer my own experience.
I had the spark with my husband. I mean, I guess that’s what you call it when we thoroughly enjoyed our time together, loved talking, hanging out, (making out. ahem), and introducing each other to our friends.
And I wonder if that’s part of the problem – what IS this elusive “spark” that everyone talks about? I think its different for everyone & I think it feels different for everyone. What may be that initial attraction is the spark for some, while that “a-ha!” moment months down the road is totally legit for someone else.
I can say that my experience with being totally into my husband definitely led us down the right path.
I did feel “the spark” with my husband… and although I do feel it led me down the right path (I love him very much and think we have a great marriage) I think it’s not something that is totally dependable. I mean, I felt “the spark” with a lot of guys. I probably still would if I allowed my mind to wander, let’s be honest. What allowed me to choose my husband was that beyond the spark I felt with him I saw a tender-hearted, compassionate, responsible, and intelligent man that I knew I could trust and enjoy for a long time into the future.
I think you should be able to feel something special for a person in the beginning, but don’t freak out when it may waver, or go away and reappear over time. No one is as magical as they first seemed when you felt that first “spark”, and if that’s all you’re relying on as time goes by, you WILL end up alone, because real and lasting love must be fueled on much more than those initial flickers of magic that you felt.
LOL on the unicorns! I love them, too. 🙂
I find that whenever I’m lonely and there’s nothing else that seemed to satisfy that loneliness, it’s God’s way of reminding me that I need Him, and He’s missing me. It’s always the time when I feel most human and also the time that I feel God the most. Maybe we’re just really built that way?
Ladies thank you for sharing your stories with us! I love that the three perspectives, while each saying something different, are all getting at the same thing. The messages I’m walking away with:
The “spark” is sort of elusive and can’t really be defined. It may feel different for everyone.
The “spark” (whatever that looks like) is one indicator that a person might be right for us, but isn’t (can’t, shouldn’t be) the only one. In fact, it isn’t always totally reliable… and if we use it as our only indicator, we’re likely to make a decision that will be difficult in the long run.
The “spark” may feel different for everyone, but feeling it (whatever “it” is) is important. It is part of what makes falling in love mysterious and fun.
So, all in all, what you’re saying is… I can’t take your advice and put it into some sort of nutshell or list? Bummer. Cause I have this thing with lists…
Or wait… I think I just did.
All – Great discussion. Thank you Ally for asking such good questions.
What I know: Scientifically our bodies let off scents that make us feel a stronger or weaker level of sexual attraction towards someone. You usually have similar scents as your family members and this is a good thing…because you aren’t supposed to want to mate with your brother. So that’s sexual attraction which I think can often be described as a “spark.” I think it’s good that word came into play because it would be weird if people were like, “I just knew when I saw him that I wanted to mate.”
Biologically we can have stronger initial pulls to one person over the other…but if we don’t have that initial “spark” with someone, it doesn’t mean it can’t grow. Science also shows that when you are physical with someone over and over, the chemicals that are released in your brain act as a bonding agent. Science would say that this is designed so that family structures stay in place for the good of the offspring.
And I see God written all over that design.
What I have experienced: I have dated men who I had a very strong “spark” with–I have dated men who I didn’t feel a “spark” with and it grew beyond anything I could have imagined–I have dated men who I really wanted a “spark” to happen with, but alas…no sparkage.
For me, the spark played a positive AND negative roll in my relationships. I don’t think we can make any blanket statements about sparks to give Miss Ally her list, but it is important to try and define.
I don’t think i had a spark with my husband the first time we met. But we met online, so there must have been a spark there for me to meet him in real life. But i do remember thinking “this is never going to happen” when we first met. So i don’t know what happened.
We also dated for a while, broke up for a couple of years, and got back together.
I had lots of sparks with different men in my time, and it rarely led me to a good place. Sparky men always caused me trouble. or maybe i was causing them trouble. I’m not sure.
I’m not sure if I’m understanding you here, Joy. Yes, humans are made in God’s image and God does desire a relationship with us, but we have to remember that God isn’t lonely. He is completely self-sufficient. He doesn’t desire relationship with us because He is in some way unfulfilled without us…. He did just fine for a very long time before the world was even made.
Re: Sparks… I’m not sure what you mean by a ‘spark’, so I suppose that means I haven’t felt it :-9 I think you should definitely feel romantically attracted to anyone you date. Never, ever go into a dating relationship thinking ‘ah well, this guy seems nice, I’ll give it a try and maybe it’ll work’. If the ‘spark’ of romance isn’t there, run away! Even nice guys have faults. It’s very difficult to forgive the shortcomings of someone in a romantic relationship if you are not decidedly attracted to them.
When I met my husband I knew that this relationship was different than previous ones, but I certainly wasn’t 100% confident that the relationship would work out. I just knew that I was really attracted to this guy (both by his character and appearance 😉 and that I wanted to be in a closer, romantic relationship with him. Things just sort of escalated from there 🙂
Mary – You are hilarious. I would really like an expanded version of how this all played out in one of your blog posts. Your kids are going to want more than, “I don’t know what happend.” haha.
Beth – Sorry to confuse you. If I communicated that God was lonely or not self-sufficient than that wasn’t my intention. God is God! But I also think he designed relationship to be a reflection of Himself, and while he doesn’t NEED us, he does desire to be in communion and relationship with us. Our desire for human interaction I believe is a taste of God’s desire to be in relationship with us.
That is how I have interpreted scripture as I read it, but maybe you have interpreted it differently. You are more than free to give “lonely girl” your thoughts and advice. I welcome other’s opinions. And thanks for your thoughts on “sparks!”
My husband and I first “met” online in a group dedicated to people with mutual interests. I was attracted by his writing style, as he was to me. We corresponded six months until we met face-to-face, at the home of a mutual friend. I liked what he had to say, and noted that he had a great smile. Yes, I was interested, and he was, too. I’m grateful that I met someone who shared my values. It’s 20+ years married, and his smile still gives me flutters. Spark is still there!
Mary Ann – So cool to hear! Love that story. Thank you.
David thinks...
I love Unicorns!
That being said, God always fills the void of lonliness. Often times it’s not how we expect but that’s because He knows better than we do.
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