Yesterday a woman asked, “Why do men lust?”
I let my father help tackle the question and he challenged the woman to look at the bigger picture by saying, “In the wisdom of God, all good things have the potential for a dark side.”
He encouraged the woman to look at her own fears as a comparison. We asked her to trust God in the face of things that don’t always make sense to us — which is especially hard to do when it’s in an area we don’t struggle.
So let’s address one more on this topic and let me know if you agree or disagree with my perspective on pervy.
It seems God made the female body much more pleasing to look at than a man’s. Why aren’t girls turned on by looks as much as guys are?
As a woman who has many female friends, trust me, we notice men. I recently opened the latest J.Crew catalog and had an audible reaction to this male models’ ridiculous bearded hotness.
Now his picture is saved in my phone so I can always show people my boyfriend. J.Crew won’t return my calls requesting his home address, but I will wear them down eventually. But here are another couple of (hopefully more legit) thoughts…
If a guy has pictures of female models up in his room, I get a kind of pervy feeling in my stomach. But if I have pictures of J.Crew models saved on my phone, I know my friends won’t think much of it (except that I am delusional). Why is this?
In answer to your question, I think we don’t always know why, but we generally have a sense that the female form is more arousing for men than most male forms are for women. Women aren’t unsexual or less sexual, but I believe our sexuality is triggered differently.
Does that make any of us more pervy than anyone else?
No, it just means our sexuality can manifest itself in different ways and we need to keep in mind that not everyone has our same struggles and triggers.
From my J.Crew-loving heart,
Joy
P.S. I address physical attraction a bit in this video post answering questions from guys: MY RESPONSE: Calling All Guyyyyys…
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Sharideth – What others view as abnormal, I see as totally normal. I can’t wait for June.
I’m fairly sure that all this “Women don’t go for looks, they go for relationship/feelings” is crap… we definitely notice a good-looking guy. Lots of dating books set it up as though men are driven by what girls look like and sex rather than relationship, and girls care about relationship more than looks. I don’t think this is true, we notice good looks and we’re attracted to it. Girls don’t crush on movie stars because they’re in a close relationship with them and can see their personality shine through 😛 It’s not only boys that struggle with things like porn or inappropriate sexual thoughts. I just think girls talk about it less and it’s more accepted by society.
I remember reading (I think it was in Love & Respect, actually) that if a husband sees his wife hopping out of the shower he’s gonna be turned on by it, whereas if a wife sees her husband hopping out of the shower she’ll be thinking ‘Don’t trip on the bathmat!’. I’ve seen my husband get out of the shower, and honey, I definitely ain’t thinkin’ about no bathmat!
Joy- J Crew reminds me of Jesus… or at least Movie Jesus… 🙂
uhm……no comment 🙂
Comment from sharideth smith
Time March 29, 2011 at 9:26 am
“sounds like the same response i had to seeing Legolas on the big screen for the first time in Lord of the Rings. like an erotic punch to the gut. people turned and stared.”
LOL! I *can’t* believe you just said that! I went to see LOTR with my family: Dad, Mom, and three sisters. When Legolas came upon the screen, I literally heard every female (INCLUDING my mother!) gasp out loud, then there was a noticeable tittering for about a minute. “Who is THAT?! is that a new actor? I’ve never seen him before! Oh, he’s brilliant!” :c)
I listened deliberately for the gasp during the 2nd installment…this time there was actual squealing from a couple girls when he came onscreen. hee hee. He’d definitely been ‘upgraded’ at that point to ‘ultimate-sexy status’. Funny enough, I just don’t find him that great without the blonde hair and ears, is it just me?
But seriously, yes, lust can be a problem for females. This intelligent, sensible, advice-giving female spent four months dating a man whom, I kid you not, looked like the JCrew guy above (but add little black glasses too). He was a Christian, but emotionally immature. I was miserable. Yet somehow I convinced myself he was awesome. I’ve NEVER done that before. Why? None of my other boyfriends looked like JCrew guy. His looks completely dazzled me and I fell hard. Looking back, I’m embarassed to admit it. But yeah, lust is a powerful thing and when you succomb to it, it blinds you.
I don’t know why but these last few posts keep lingering in my mind as unsettled. I am your dads biggest fan and have been doing his L&R bible study with small groups for years. The latest response to the womans question on lust gives me pause.
I get that we should look at our own fears and not be judgmental. Like Emerson says – he struggles with this – is that ok?
Well like you said Joy – women notice men too!
My conviction is it comes down to commitment. I’m married so I don’t spend time looking at the Jcrew guy. Not because I don’t notice how handsome he is but because I love my husband and have decided to commit to him fully – mind and body.
I would want my husband to be so committed to me that he – in a spirit of self control – doesn’t want to spend any time lusting after another woman.
Hey All – There are great comments here and I love everyone’s honesty. I definitely laughed a few times. I do feel like I want to make some clarifying statements on what I believe and I will try to get another post up soon…but hopefully what has been written so far is getting everyone to think.
Jess – love what you said about commitment. Hopefully you didn’t take from this that I was implying women who are married should have posters of models up on their walls….more so I wanted women who feel like the consensus is that they are un-sexual to be free in expressing that.
As a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, male and female – I think it’s healthy for us to realize that there is beauty and attraction in the world. God designed it that way…what we do with that observation of beauty and stimulation is another story…
This is making my head spin. I also re-realized something. Yes, an attractive man turns my head. I appreciate God’s good work (especially blond elves). The problem for me was taking it too far and fantasizing relationships. Desiring too much what happens in marital relationships and fantasizing that a guy that good looking could desire me– a, um, not abercrombie worthy lady. All of that mixes together and my stupid flesh starts mixing signals. Gah. When’s Jesus coming back?
Joy, no misunderstanding 🙂
You are an amazing communicator. It was my statement that was missing clarity.
I guess I feel for the woman who’s struggling with her husbands lust. Where I know none of us are perfect – and men struggle with this more – but you made a good point in that woman struggle with it too! Is the reason that most lust problems are with men because of their sex drive or lack of commitment to their wife in this area?
When I look at hot Jcrew guy – I suppose I could linger a bit and let my imagination run wild? But I don’t – not because I have no lust in me – but because I know it’s wrong and I’m committed to look only at my husband this way.
Is it self righteous to have commitment expectations of our husbands in this area? Or should we just say – “oh well he struggles with lust because he’s a man so it’s ok. I must be self righteous for getting upset about this one sided commitment.”
I think the woman struggling should realize it’s ok to feel hurt when her marriage has been violated.
(refusing to look at the Jcrew guy) well ok maybe for just a sec – innocently (noooo I can’t stop he’s too hot!) dangit 🙂
The reality is God does teach us through His beauty and strength. I agree with Jennifer C. , Lord Jesus come quickly!
For those interested in the raw finer workings of biochemistry in matters of attraction there is “The Alchemy of Love and Lust-How Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships” (Dr. Theresa L. Crenshaw unmasks the hidden agendas of our hormones through the different sexual stages. She does support the age-old idea of “chemistry” between the sexes, making for an enticing mix of romance and sex. -summary online)
Thanks to Jesus I am no longer a slave to “chemistry” like when I was a pagan heathen reprobate. God has transformed my perspective that people are “fearfully and wonderfully” made in His beautiful strong image! We get to bear a portion of His splendor in this world. I agree being a good steward of the chemistry he’s given us is important as well as being mindful of our responses.
I agree with u Joy, triggers are different for everybody. I hope u cook b/c your J Crew boyfriend looks too skinny for a carpenter and he needs some sunshine, but he’s all yours soon as u can wear him down! I’m glad he takes your breath away! And your bearded hotness remark reminded me of when my single mother put a poster up in her bedroom of the scantly-clad bearded Chris Christopherson. Eeew. To each her own. God knows I needed my beefy, tall, dark, handsome- modest good Samaritan husband.
I agree struggles do come to both male & female, especially to those choosing to walk in the Spirit! And agreed that “our sexuality can manifest itself in different ways” but I add that there are amazing blessings when it’s respected in a God-honored ways!
As far as “pervy” as in perverted, don’t u think when the human being is perceived as “devalued” and becomes an “object” is when the line is crossed? The understanding of being “made in the image of God” is disregarded/disrespected and the “it” object can be exploited, used, abused, conquered, bartered, sold, trafficked, prostituted, ravaged etc! Love and respect are thrown out the window when we objectify people.
This is a hot topic-hard to be concise!
Looking forward to part 3??
Jennifer – I loved your last line. Think it often. (-:
Jess – I totally agree. I hurt and empathize with her too–and I know my father does. I think we were trying to get at the fact that she made a pretty big blanket statement about God and men when she said, “Why did God MAKE MEN to lust.” I was trying to help broaden her view of God and the brokenness that we as male and female all struggle with…
I really love what you had to say.
Lisa – Oh don’t get me wrong…I will take skinny or big, I just want a MAN. And for some reason, beards scream “man” to me. (-: This is a tough topic and while we can’t always be cut and dry about it, having the conversation is often the thing that helps us be introspective and hopefully get in conversation with God about our own sexuality/identity/fears/brokenness.
I hope you enjoyed pt. 3…pt. 4 comes tomorrow!
a friend and i were talking about this very thing tonight… you added some great points to our discussion! (i love your courage to tackle issues like this…)
Omg! I flipped through that same JCrew catalog and gasped when I saw his face. I then proceeded to cut out his face and post it on my wall. I felt like a teenager, but I don’t have that excuse. Good to know I’m not the only one who had such a dramatic response!
Whats his name?
sharideth smith thinks...
sounds like the same response i had to seeing Legolas on the big screen for the first time in Lord of the Rings. like an erotic punch to the gut. people turned and stared.
anyhoo, my lust for fictional elves aside, i do not have posters of him in my bedroom. that would be too weird.
or so my husband tells me…
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