What if you thought the guy was right and believed that God orchestrated the meeting? But he’s now walked away, after one-and-a-half years?
People have free will, which means we won’t always understand why they do what they do.
Regarding God’s orchestration, the mystery becomes intertwined with our limited human understanding. It’s a deeper theological question of whether God dictates everything we do or whether He works in the midst of human beings and their choices, be they good or bad.
People will always have different theories on how this works, but my encouragement is for you to ask yourself what YOU believe to be true.
My human understanding of relationships feels the pain of your loss.
But my spiritual understanding of God believes He has the power to redeem this situation and your heart if you allow Him to lead. His orchestration may simply sound different from the symphony you thought you heard.
Embrace the pain you feel right now. Engage your community and keep your friends close. But, most importantly, ask yourself what you believe to be true about God.
Asking these bigger questions in the midst of your own painful questions will help shape the lens with which you see God. Because, trust me, there will be many more things in this life that don’t make sense and sound a bit flat.
The Psalms are filled with questions, doubt, praise and proclamation. A good chunk to check out would be Psalms 27–34.
From my heart,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Oh, yes. I feel the weight of your question, lady, and I think Joy is very right in pointing toward the questions it opens up about God. I had a similar situation happen two years ago: we were beginning to talk about the “M word,” and when he broke up with me it put me into a tailspin. He and I were reading a book on marriage, I had been telling everybody he was “the one,” that I had the “I just know” feeling, and could trace back God’s involvement from day one. We were both committed Christians who prayed and sought God, after all. The formula should have equaled something different. But he chose someone else, and the pain was (and still can be) excruciating. I think the root of that pain is…can I trust God? Does he love me? Why did he allow this…he KNEW it would happen, in fact. That’s why I think considering Joy’s questions are super important. Our hearts can mourn for men we’ve loved, but ultimately our hearts feel betrayed or unprotected by our God. I will be adding you to the prayers I pray when I ask God what he is up to…that he will show us both his great love and protection for us, despite the circumstances we find ourselves in.
I, too, share a similar story(weird grammar?). I remember when it ended feeling determined to handle it well. I wanted to prove (not to God but to this man) that I was so level-headed and wise (things he valued) that I would be fine. Well, I was hurting too much to let that go on very long:). I knew I had to answer some tough questions in the midst of my pain to have some point of reference to walk toward.
Answering the questions of what I know about God to be true was important. In fact, it was huge for me. But what I began to realize is, it’s not just how you answer these questions but how you act out that answering. I know God is good and hears me. This is great to know. But, it is one thing to know that but if I am then not calling on Him in prayer but rather blaring Taylor Swift to cry to, I am not acting out my belief in a God that hears. I wanted temporary relief so much that I found myself, at times, not acting into my beliefs about God and letting those beliefs dictate how I would heal. I truly saw God bless my obedience when I would come to Him and trust Him even though I felt ready with a 40-point presentation on why this situation was undoubtedly not the way things were meant to go. Letting go of my concrete evidence for why God was wrong took a lot longer, but the steps to get there were acting out my belief in His qualities. If we say He is in control, our fear is put in perspective and perspective should change how we live.
Erin said “Our hearts can mourn for men we’ve loved, but ultimately our hearts feel betrayed or unprotected by our God.”
Yeah, exactly. That was what ended up being the hardest thing to reconcile. Was I really that disconnected with God that the thing I’d prayed and sought Him most about, was an incorrect discerning of His will for my life? I wasn’t asking “Why can’t I have him?” I was asking “Where did I go wrong?”
After struggling I came to some conclusions, but they sure weren’t the ones I was looking for. They mostly had to do with trusting and surrendering.
Joy, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I too agree with Erin, “Our hearts can mourn for the men we’ve loved, but ultimately our hearts feel betrayed or unprotected by our God.” That is why it is so important to remind yourself of who God is. Because He is who He says He is, even if it is hard to see in the midst of our own pain. God’s goodness and His perspective are SO much bigger than mine, than ours. It is hard to remember that when the pain is so intense, and it is so good to remember who God is. Even if I / you / we are having a hard time seeing those things be true about Him in the midst of my / your / our situation.
And I think that Kaylene is right on as well. I / you / we can analyze a situation as much as I / you / we want, but those answers are not the source of my / your / our peace. True peace comes from the Lord, and you can have that peace even when nothing makes sense. We have to surrender ourselves to His goodness and trust that He is who He says He is. Because if that is true, and I believe it is, then there is reason to hope.*
*I should admit that I have to remind myself that hope means hoping in Christ and what He has done for us through His death and resurrection, not hoping in a successful relationship with a man.
I have to just agree with what has been shared so far. Four months ago my wedding was called off by the “boy” I had been engaged to for a year. I say I never saw it coming but there were signs; however, my heart and head had already decided. I still cannot deny that God brought him into my life and allowed it all to happen but I/we are not able to see the bigger picture and how God uses all our hurt and pain (which btw is minute compared to what he bore in the cross – its a humbling reminder when I begin to sob over how much I hurt). I can honestly say I continue to be restored, there are days I don’t feel anywhere near being healed but it’s a process of grief – one that we were never meant to experience but God made a way after sin entered a world. He knew we couldn’t get along or experience the true joy of relationships with all our brokenness. I could probably go on and on but… know that you are being prayed for, we’re sharing in your pain but also in your restoration. God is good – all the time!
Also, this seems appropriate. And it’s been comforting to me, so hopefully it will be to everyone else!
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown
This post is exactly what I needed today 🙂
My husband left me 5 months ago after we’d been married only 5 months… This weekend he’s moving in with the woman he’s been seeing. He’s a mess and I just wish I could help him, but I’ve gotta leave that up to God. Even though this is a ridiculously horrible thing that’s happened, I’ve never felt closer to God or felt more blessed. Other than this one really really bad thing happened, so many good things have come to me since. God is good, and he won’t stop working until he does what he plans to do.
God’s gotta plan for us no matter what’s going on, and if we walk with him he’ll get us to where we’re supposed to be 🙂
Kaitlyn, i liked your poem. Can i reprint it? appreciate all the wisdom shared through this blog
Alexa, it’s totally not mine! I don’t think the author is known. My dad shared it with me years ago, when I had a falling out with one of my really close friends. It’s helped me through a lot-I hope it does the same for you. (:
This post and all of the comments have been so helpful to me. I became very close to a man over the last 8 months. He has truly cared about me for me and been so supportive, gentle and caring towards me. He absolutely became my best friend but he decided to end the close friendship because the more time he spends with me the more he wants a romantic relationship and our religious beliefs are so drastically different that it is not possible to pursue anything romantic. My heart is breaking and worst of all I am having a difficult time believing in my heart that God wants good things for me and will bring good things in my life as I surrender everything to Him. I suffered a lot of abuse and neglect as a child and am still working through the recovery of that. I really want to cling to God in this and grow closer to Him through it.
Wow – these have been incredible, honest comments. I had tweeted a couple days ago that I loved when the comments were more insightful than the actual post. Thank you all for sharing your heart and pain. It’s great to know we are not alone in our heartache.
Romans 5:3-5
Kaitlyn thinks...
There’s only one way to respond to this situation. That sucks. Well, initially. But rest assured that you are in the palm of God’s hand, and He loves you.
If it is any consolation, when my Dad and stepmother met, he initially passed her up for another woman. For two years they were apart, and when they started dating again, they were so appreciative of each other. They started dating, and five months later were engaged. Another three months and they were married, and they are the happiest couple I know.
Stay strong: God has a plan for you in your life. Pray for strength, and for understand of what His will is for you. I’ll do the same on my end. (:
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