Watch the intro to find out what this is all about: RSOTU Intro (1 of 15)
If you think a man is acting childish, is it possible that he feels like you are treating him like a child?
In relationship, how would you recommend treating each other with respect and communicating with respect even when it doesn’t seem fair?
How do you humbly confront childish behavior without being patronizing?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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I recall meeting a couple of new guys in fellowship where they would continue to make fun of each other to put each other down it. In that I did see a lot of insecurities in both guys and I always remained quiet and treated them as men (in my opinion) by regarding them individually as important- I did see a side of them that was not always being childish- I guess it was a way they played off each other. It was always in my mind that their behaviour was irritatingly childish but in keeping my composure I did notice after a couple of years that they eventually let go of those childish ways over time. I think that as a woman, being quiet and praying for the person, as well taking opportunities to show them respect (especially when they don’t deserve it and when they do!) will give them something to run after. I really think as women we want to take control but being patronizing can be disrespectful and make the guy less responsive to your words and your actions.
I guess in this scenario, Joy I think you are right in giving the guy space to reflect on what they do. Plus, the girl has the right to do whatever she wants with her stuff and the guy should respect that too 🙂
Lisa – Your last line is great. Something we tend to ignore when we feel like an injustice is happening.
Elle – First of all I love your name. My mothers name is Sarah Ellen and My name is Joy Ellen and if I have a daughter I either want to name her Elle or Sarelle.
And thanks for your comment and insight!
Joy great post! I especially love your suggestions for ways to talk it through.
You have such a great editor! Hilarious 🙂
Joy,
I wonder if the issue the letter writer’s boyfriend had was that she (maybe) was saying (essentially): “DUH! Helloo-oo! Computer + sand + sunscreen = disaster! How could you not know that?!” especially if she used an exasperated tone that seemed, to him, to be lecturing him (poor, ignorant child-man — he’s hearing) rather than explaining her rationale. I’ve noticed that men seem to be more sensitive to a woman’s tone than they would be if they heard the same words from a male buddy.
True that it also could have been a combo of tone and of seeming to not trust him with her possessions (but then, I think that he would have said, “I feel as if you don’t trust me with your stuff,” rather than saying that he felt as if she were treating him as if he were a child… but maybe that’s just me).
I also wonder if we women overexplain ourselves before the men even ask for further explanation… and then the guys feel lectured… and assume that we think they’re stupid. Possible?
lisa thinks...
I would agree it is possible that he is behaving childishly b/c you are treating him like a child! It could be a sowing/reaping principle. At the same time, I would want to evaluate the communication skills as a couple. Instruction may be appropriate. Beam vs. speck applies here. On the other hand, brats and bullies (female and males)tend to resort to aggressive/abusive authority tactics to get their way (i.e. temper tantrums, anger, rage)so I would want to discern conflict patterns as well. http://www.bullyonline.org may be a useful resource to some in understanding persistent unwelcome behavior of invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault finding conflicts.
In relationship, how would you recommend treating each other with respect and communicating with respect even when it doesn’t seem fair? One useful tool that I was taught many moons ago was the “You” vs. “I” statements. You statements tend to put people on defense and will always promote a good fight. The “I feel…” “I think….” “I want…” statements keep communication flowing without blockades. For example:
You Statement: “You are always so mean to me when I want to use your computer.”
I Statement: ” I want to enjoy my time on the beach with you. I am concerned about inadvertent damage which would be a big setback for us. I feel very firm about this and need you to support my preference in this area. Are you willing to support me in this?”
How do you humbly confront childish behavior without being patronizing? Using your respect vocabulary/training in the I statements should be priority. 3rd party mediation helps when necessary. I think the challenge is trying not to control the results, reaction or outcome of the confrontation. At times, following the father’s example in the parable prodigal son is advisable. Giving God the space and grace to teach them with the laws of natural consequences will instruct them more thoroughly than the humble exhortation of a servant.
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