Recently I spoke at Belmont University and later that afternoon did an “Ask Joy” session with students.
This is probably my favorite aspect of my job.
I love hearing from you all through the site, but there’s something about seeing your face, hearing your questions, and then getting to respond to you with an answer that results in you lying on the floor in the fetal position. It’s the BEST!
I heart my job and inflicting psychological damage on you all!
But, seriously, there were some fantastic questions from the Belmont students, and it was such a great environment that my other “relationship guru” friends like Sharideth (yes, that’s her name), Guy (yes, that’s his name), and Michael Johnson (no, not the Olympic sprinter) felt the freedom to pipe in whenever they felt my answers were lame.
One guy (no, not that Guy) asked the question, “So, how do you break up with someone?”
Apparently my suggestion to send an “It’s me, not you” note via carrier pigeon after the person is electronically notified via Facebook that he or she is now NOT in a relationship with you, as well as a possible move to a different state, wasn’t an adequate answer. Michael decided to offer his stellar advice…
“Throw God under the bus,” he said. You know, the age-old “God told me we shouldn’t date anymore.”
(Brief moment of silence while students assessed his level of seriousness.)
So that led us into less of an actual answer but to a very important point that I would like to make, which is:
how NOT to break up with someone.
Nine times out of ten, if you say God told you to break up with this person, I don’t doubt you actually believe it. But I also think that a little deeper down it might be because you think he or she is ugly.
OK, harsh, I know.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt; maybe you saw some serious red flags. Or maybe you just know he or she is not someone you want to have kids with someday. Or maybe the person smells, I don’t know. But if you have a personal relationship with God, then I don’t discount that He can lead you to the conclusion that you should break up with a particular boyfriend or girlfriend; however, that doesn’t mean you should necessarily TELL him or her that God led you to that conclusion.
I would call this untactful and possibly damaging.
Put yourself in his or her shoes. Someone says, “I think you are ug… I mean, I was praying last night and really sense the Lord telling me that we are not right for each other.”
Now what is your perception of God if you didn’t hear the same thing from Him?
“Ahh! God thinks I am a bad person!”
“Am I not good enough for him?”
“Why didn’t God speak to me?”
“Is this person playing the God card?”
“I think I might smell.”
Before we get into how to break up with someone, I just want you God-card-playing folks out there to think a little more before pulling that one out of your deck.
Thanks, Michael, for helping me expand on what NOT to do. Moving is always a way smarter option.
From my heart,
Joy
What would you add to the list of how NOT to break up with someone?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I got dumped via “the God card” in high school, and you hit the nail on the head when you said it could be damaging. It was hard not to hear, “I have a closer, holier connection with God. He loves me more than you. We’re bros and you’re on the outside loop. You’re a heathen for thinking this was going to work.”
Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, but a simpler explanation would have been so much better. In the end, I think the God card was a rather chickenshit way of getting out of something when, “I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship” would have worked fine.
Then again, he is married and in seminary now, and I’m not either of those things, so maybe there’s something to all that… 🙂
@Allison, I’m sorry. )-: Can we chalk it up to him being a nervous high schooler? Still, that’s a little ugh…
Don’t let a human represent what you know to be true about God and his love for you. You are loved! God just told me you are his bro too. word. (-:
Hand them a note that says, “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.” Then, run away, find the person you actually want to be with, ask her out, and kiss her in front of break-up-ee… all in the same day.
@Jennifer C, That is harsher than the ‘Ugly” comment above…
@Jennifer C, hahaha…I really hope that hasn’t happen to you!
@JOY, I wish. Well, that’s a lie sort of. I learned a lot in that blip of a relationship. I wish he had more grace and tact than that, but what can we really expect from high schoolers?
Don’t break up over text message EVER, but especially when you are breaking an engagement. It’s cowardly, for one, and disrespectful, for two, and rude, for three, and I could go on and on. Be courageous and respectful enough to have a real conversation.
@Lori, Got that beat! Divorce over text! “I want a divorce and am leaving. I have what I want. please sign the papers on the counter and turn into the court house”
So glad I was on the train heading home and not driving when I got that one! Also so glad God was involved in my life and He provided so many friends to comfort me in my time of need!
Our God is so Awesome!
Don’t do the silent treatment; where you just no longer talk to them, text them, call them. Be mature about not wanting to date them for whatever reason — not the God card– but at least let them know you are no longer pursuing a relationship with them so they aren’t wondering “what’s going on, where are we, etc…” That can be just as harsh.
Do it in person too, text, FB (as above) or email is just wrong.
Good Luck!
Ditto what Jennifer said. Or a variation for breaking up with a serious bf/gf by saying “i’m not ready to get married” and then get engaged shortly there after. What they really meant was “i’m not ready to get married to YOU”
My question for the group: how much should you share about the “reason” you want to break up? It could be helpful or it could be just plain rude. I mean is it really edifying to find out the person wasn’t really all that attracted to you? Or that they find you annoying? How is that helpful? I know I’ve had an experience where the guy really wanted to know WHY I wanted to break up with him and said he deserved a reason.
@Suzanne, My thought is this: Pray for tactfullness. And think through as we communicate: Is it true, is it necessary, is it loving? I think I got those little phrases from my parents to help me not get my foot in my mouth so much…(-: We can be honest, but we always need to think through what type of honesty will be beneficial and what type of honesty could be damaging.
@JOY, This may sound horribly shallow, but what if you honestly don’t know the reason? But you sense things aren’t right or aren’t meant to be?
@K,
I’m not @JOY but I’ll reply to you anyway.
As someone that has been on the other end of “we can’t date but I don’t know why” I can say that it is a very difficult thing to hear. It left me searching for a reason in my own heart, my life, or in our relationship that I deemed worthy of the decision.
Personally, I’d take a good hard look and make sure the reason I felt that way wasn’t rooted in fear or lack of trust. “Meant to be” is an especially difficult term for me because we’re all fallen, sinners.
That said, if you’re certain of your choice, be honest. Pray for an understanding heart and be courageous. I would discourage a blanket “I don’t know” statement though.
🙂
@borr,
thanks, immensely. undergoing more prayerful thought thanks to your comment. you were pretty much square on, as though you knew way more about my situation. Trust issues can be contagious, and I hope that people like me haven’t made it more difficult for people like you to trust again.
You know when you read something and it’s like someone has gone into your mind and pulled out your thoughts? just happened. I was broken up with by someone using “the God card” and the thoughts “Why did God speak to me?” or “Why did God and him hava a chat and leave me out” definitely crossed my mind. Definitely not a good feeling.
To answer Suzanne, I feel like (depending on the reason) you should share WHY. Because if you don’t, it just makes the other person feel like you’re hiding something or being dishonest.
should’ve just told me to shutup. wouldn’t have worked, but at least you could say you tried.
@sharideth, I don’t dare disrespect you in public. I’d like to keep my face looking just the way it does, thank you.
1. Tell them anything that isn’t the truth. (The truth being that…You aren’t right for them. You have issues. And you don’t want to make babies with them.)
2. Text message.
3. The cold shoulder.
2.
Why didn’t I seek this out sooner?! I’ve got to confess, I think I may have pulled the God-card when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend recently. I did not say that I thought it was God’s will (to break up), but I may have (over) emphasized that we no longer seemed to share the same values or priorities. Reading the above entry and comments also made me cringe to realize I said something along the lines of “God’s been working on my life, and I’ve been distracted too long.” Thanks for the post, Joy.
Amen.
I got named dropped by Joy Eggerichs! I’m SOMEBODY! Sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity, so they know too.
Ros thinks...
I think that these days there are far too many break ups that should not happen. People break up for shallow reasons, instead of really seeking God’s will for the relationship.
| at |