Hey, Joy!
So I am a strong and outgoing woman. I am not a shy person at all! When it comes to the relationship area, people are very inquisitive, and they all have opinions as soon as they find out I’m single. I have many friends who bemoan the fact that they are single and will jump at any chance to flirt.
I think something might be wrong with me.
All I do is make jokes about never getting married and say things like, “I have too many plans, and they don’t include a man.” Or, “A man will just complicate my already-complicated life.” And, my personal fave, “I’m too high maintenance.”
All of these things keep me from looking desperate, but they make people think that I’m totally against men and marriage.
I don’t like how that makes me look, but I also don’t want to look like my flirty friends. Of course I would love to be in a relationship with the right guy, but I’m not going to jump at the chance with just any guy. I want the right guy. I’ve been told that because of this, many men are intimidated by me because I know what I want in my personal life and they think I’m too independent. When, actually, I would love nothing more than a man in my life to love and respect and eventually grow old with.
So, the question is, how do I remedy this reputation I have as being the strong, independent, not-wanting-to-marry-anyone girl?
Tracy
Hi, Tracy,
I’m guessing you may have read my response to this question, where I say:
Men will hear your mantra of not wanting to get married, and if at age 25 you all of a sudden decide to change your mind, your past words will probably still ring in the ears of some guys who might be too scared to ask you out.
This is what I would encourage you to do:
Reread what you wrote—especially this line:
When, actually, I would love nothing more than a man in my life to love and respect and eventually grow old with.
This is important for you to recognize as a deep desire of your soul. We make jokes out of our insecurity that it might not happen, or we make disclaimers so people don’t think we are desperate, and all the while we are communicating something about ourselves that is not true or is inauthentic.
Who conditioned us to believe that saying we wanted to be married = being desperate?
When did we decide that independence = strength, and dependence = weak?
My guess is it happened when people were hurt from being dependent on someone who let them down. When we get hurt or see those we love hurt, it’s completely natural for us to conclude, “Nope. Not gonna let that happen to me.” But that causes us to put value on things that I believe are contrary to what God intended for us. God saw Adam alone in the garden and concluded that it was not good. Jesus knew he was physically leaving the earth and commanded the apostle John to take in his mother.
We were designed for relationship.
This does not mean that independence is wrong or solitude isn’t healthy (Jesus was a prime example of carving out some down time). But I think it’s important to recognize some of the reasons why we elevate singleness and independence to a place that is often viewed as “stronger.”
We know from Scripture that God alone is our sustainer, but I also think that God designed things such as food, water, materials, and people as things that are part of His design in sustaining us. And as much as we might like to think, “Oh, I don’t need food this year,” eventually your body is going to tell you something different.
I believe God designed you with the desire to be married, and as much as your fears of looking desperate or your pain from getting hurt causes you to say, “I don’t need a man…”
…eventually your heart will tell you something different.
Does God call some of us to be single? Yes. Does broken humanity cause some of us who desire to be married not to see that fulfilled? Possibly. But the only thing we can do today, in this moment, is to get in touch with our fears and our pain and do the best we can to be honest in how we are portraying ourselves to the world.
As for “remedying” the image you have already created for yourself, I would just decide that today is a new day. When conversations about relationships come up, be honest about where you are at. Maybe even say something like, “Yeah, I know I used to say I didn’t need a man, but I think I was just trying to look tough. I desire a man who loves that I am driven and wants be in a relationship, making a difference in the world together. It was silly of me to act like I couldn’t do that with a husband.”
And in terms of “flirtation station,” don’t try to be something you are not. Don’t force flirting, but don’t stop being kind because you fear you are going to lead some guy on. I used to do this. If I thought a guy liked me, even without him saying that he liked me, I would start being mean to him to get him to stop liking me.
I am so smart.
I remember my mother saying to me, “Joy, what are you doing? You are a Christian woman and you are called to be nice to everyone! Just because you think a guy likes you doesn’t mean he does, and unless he says something to you, you don’t have to marry him!”
So take a bit of advice from my mother. Be nice to everyone. Be consistent. Don’t worry about leading someone on if you know that you are just being YOU. The reality is that some people will like you and you may need to say yes to a date or have an awkward conversation letting a man know you are not interested. But that is far better than scaring off all men because they see how you treat some men.
I am hopeful for you.
Don’t try to downplay your strength or independence, but don’t downplay the desire of your heart either.
From my heart,
Joy
(I really think this issue applies to both men and women.)
How do you balance the fears of looking too lonely or desperate with the extreme of coming off as too cocky or confident?
Why do you think we equate independence with strength?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
@Jordana, yes she does!
Awesome Openness Tracy! Thank you for sharing.
I am not sure how to balance the “looking too lonely or desperate” and/or “too cocky/confident.” As in most singles ministries there is at least a 3 to 1 women to men ratio in my current group of friends and ministry. I don’t want to say the men are intimidated by the women in the group, but very rarely do I ever hear the women talking about wanting to be dating or married. This may be something women need to bring up more often in general conversation at the restaurant table after service when we are all just hanging out eating; I think I will start asking more questions about this as I have had my eyes opened to some of the women in the group that are wanting to be married, but never bring it up. Case in point — I recently attended a concert with a bunch of women and all they talked about was wanting to be in a relationship and married someday. I was totally shocked because I had never heard any one of these seven(7) women ever talk anything about being in a relationship, didn’t even think they were interested. Not to sound like a jerk, but “we(men) are not able to read your minds ladies, if you don’t bring up relationship in conversations, most men are not going to try and pry that information out of you.” This could be a blue/pink issue I am hoping Joy can clarify!
We (singles with careers) also need to talk more about what we want to accomplish in life not just ‘what we did last week at work.’ 99% of the conversations between folks in single-type ministries start with “What do you do for a living?” Really! Yes we are interested, but is that where we want to start? If she is a ‘Director of Marketing’ a ‘CEOs Assistant’ a ‘School Teacher’ or ‘The Janitor’, what is she wanting to be in a marriage, start out by finding out what she likes doing and leave the career for further down the road conversations. What does she want to do is much more important than what she is doing.***
As for why we equate independence with strength; if we are alone we always have to work harder, whereas, if we have a friend/spouse we can hopefully always get help and encouragement from them. I so look forward to having an encouraging and supportive spouse!
Begin my $0.02 — More like $0.68 today, sorry….
In the past I have always looked for the ‘type-A’ woman; she should be able to take care of herself and would be less ‘maintenance’ than one that is needy, or totally dependent. How ‘Stupid and Selfish’ could I be as a young man, or boy should I say? I think I got this idea from my mother who is a single parent with two only children.** We had a farm in central Michigan and she raced horses for a living. Being a “farm girl” she was quite strong and able to take care of herself, although I could tell she wanted a ‘Man’ around. She wouldn’t allow any men to have any influence in my life to make me anything like the men in her life; angry abusive drunk father she had, or love ‘m and leave ’m father I had. Although I didn’t realize it then, the ‘Men’ she always attracted were the already beaten up ones that would never do anything but agree with her because they knew how independent and “able to take care of herself” she was. For some reason I thought that was normal because it was all I had ever seen.
As I have recovered from my divorce with the total ‘type-A’ independent wife I had married who never needed any of my help, that I served whenever I could and even helped to be more and more independent as our marriage went on. I look back and think ‘What was I thinking?’ Truly I wasn’t thinking much at all, she was totally in love with me and had a hard time when either of us had to work while the other one was home; but I continued to encourage her to “entertain herself” and “go do things with all her friends” while I was at work. That eventually led to our separation and divorce; yes we need some personal time not only with God, but with friends also. Too much time apart leads to a MYLS syndrome. (Married Yet Living Single) I am pretty sure that is not what God had in plan for any of us. I do make it a point to always open doors for women when I can, walk them out to their cars and open their doors when I can; I am not the example, but I am trying to encourage the other men in our singles ministry to take charge and take care of the women in the ministry. I also do not let women open their own doors when riding/carpooling with me; I don’t care who is driving, it is my act of service. It is almost comical to see those who do not ride with me often reaching for the door handle and stop and put their hand back on their knee knowing I will give them ‘The Look’ if they open their own door.
** Two only children? My little brother and I are 18 years apart –different fathers of course– and we are not too much alike. When he was born, most people thought he was my son. Now when Ma introduces me as ‘Her first son’ most people can’t believe she has another son. Pure comedy!
***Quitter: Closing the gap between your day job and your dream job. If I was a whole lot smarter I would write ‘Quitter Singles Edition: Don’t make the mistakes I made, learn from the Experiences and Pain of others in your marriage’
Sorry again, $0.02 more
I was recently asked by a woman if I would escort her to her car that was like “in the back 40” and I felt such encouragement from it. Although I would typically just start walking with her/or any woman I saw walking out to their car, it felt so great to be ask for the service. That could even be a nice ice-breaker ladies! 🙂
Gen 2:18; The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
@Aron, In response to you wanting me to clarify about women opening up about their desire to be married…I would say that that as women it’s nice to be asked. We often to offer up information like that to guys because we assume they don’t want to know. We talk more freely with our girlfriends because they ask. So…not saying I know that every woman will open up about her feelings on relationships, but most people – man or woman, most likely have an opinion but would feel weird offering it up unsolicited.
I’m that girl that pulls away from guys who show interest, but that I’m not attracted too. Really, at twenty-four, I’m working on this. It’s a bit ridiculous.
As for your question, I don’t think I do a very good job of being balanced in this area. I put up this front in crowds that I’m good being alone, not that I come off overtly independent, just settled in my life. Even though I am honest about wanting to be married, I’m not honest about how much of a desire it is in my life. On the other hand, those closest to me are probably saying, “Lord, send this girl a man to rescue her from her desperation. She is driving me crazy”.
I think your mom had it right. I just need to be me, and that’s a girl who wants to be married, but is content in singleness (at least 50% of the time). 🙂
I love your mom’s advise. It would serve me well to just be me.
@Jennifer, haha…we sound similar. (-:
Hear, Hear!!! These are wonderful words of advice.
@douglas, Leave it to my momma!
Thank you Joy for this reminder. I can totally relate and appreciated this encouragement. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman!
Sorry that I’m just now approving this. You were in my spam!! No offense….
Coming from a now-married lady who struggled with this when I was single…everything switched for me when I started addressing my fears, admitting my desires and having more fun/less analysis. Every day I would really meditate (and still do b/c it is central to my marriage) on exuding softness and warmth, to men and women. Doesn’t mean I’m not smart, strong or confident; I just openly embrace my feminine spirit. Men, and women, seem to respond much better to me. Tough girl just doesn’t get you very far (and my college nickname was “cold fish,” so I am speaking from painful experience. Ladies, be open. Be soft. Be warm. This works towards the Spirit, too!
@Mindy, Good advice for many! Sorry about the nickname C.F.!
I’m in my 30s and still single. I’m honest about my desire to get married someday. I don’t make jokes about “not needing a man”, because someone may take that as truth…and so I don’t make light of that kind of thing. I make it very clear that I’m happy and complete as I am right now, because my identity is found in Jesus Christ. However, if God chooses to bless me in this way, I would love to be married someday and raise a godly family, when God brings the right person along. However, my ultimate source for happiness will always be HIM first 😉 🙂 Love and hugs from the ocean shores of California, Heather 🙂 🙂 🙂
@Heather 😉 🙂 :), You are so smiley. (-:
Wow, the statement about pushing away guys who you think like you…I have done that in the past only to realize I was pushing away some of my closest and most trust-worthy guy friends. These days I’m learning that it goes both ways… where I should not assume a guy likes me(regardless of whether or not I like him) or doesn’t like me — when he hasn’t said anything. I think these assumptions come from fearing that if he does like me, it’s somehow God’s way of telling me I need to settle for this one(lies)…or the fear that if someone I like doesn’t reciprocate that he’s the last one that will ever come my way(doubt). We forget that we still have freedom to decide and act/wait in each situation. A wise friend told me recently that I really just need to focus on the fact that regardless of people’s feelings for me, or mine for others…God plan for me is still good and I can rest in that. And yes, be who God created you to be. Love it!
@Stacy, You have good friends!
Joy–great advice! I have just recently gotten comfortable saying confidently “I would like to be married soon.” I realize that this is just a desire and that I have to hold it loosely but this is real. We are called to have our inner and outer match.
This tension that Tracy bring up of wanting to be strong and independent yet not unapproachable is something that I think a lot of people can resonate with, myself included. I love the questions you ask. When did they become opposing? Why can’t you be strong and dependent. For me, I think it will take more strength to be dependent on someone and selfless with someone, because I have operated on my own for so long. It will be a lot harder and require more strength to surrender these things.
double negatives are back in by the way
@Hayley, I just wrote a double negative sentence an hour ago and made Stephanie fix it…even though I thought it conveyed my heart perfectly.
Excellent post, Joy!
I needed to read something like this, especially that part when you say you were mean as soon as you imagined a guy was interested in you. I do it sometimes, and, yeah, it’s not fair.
🙂
@Gardenia, Glad you were encouraged. Thanks for commenting!
I’m just cruising facebook and came across this conversation and felt like commenting even though I’m not in your demographic.
I’ve been single for what to me is a long time and have had many experiences with women who have said “I don’t want to get married or be in a relationship right now”. Then of course two weeks later she is on a date with someone else. What she could have said was “I don’t want to marry or be in a relationship with you.” Being honest with someone who is single is what Christ would have us do. Saying to a person we think is interested in us and we don’t reciprocate the interest, that we “don’t want to be in a relationship right now, timing isn’t right”, or some other excuse is dishonest. I can’t tell you how many times women have missed out on getting to know me, a great guy friend, because they made the assumption that I was after something they wouldn’t freely give, and wouldn’t stop trying until I was successful. I’ve done the same to women so this isn’t a diatribe about women. It’s about being single and honest. The most respectful(yet perplexing and somewhat hurtful) comment from a woman I was getting to know said, after our third time together was, “I am not attracted to you and don’t think I ever will be.” Ouch…but it’s ok. The reason I feel respected and honored by her response was the subsequent experiences we had. Every time we saw each other she always had a smile, hug and a warm hello -even though I knew she would never be interested in me “that way”. On the side of the coin, there have been many more experiences with women, interestingly at church, who once they were convinced I was interested, after I asked them on a date or had a conversation, they practically shunned me and some really did. They took the experience so radically serious that from that day on they could not be comfortable around me. I haven’t done quite the same to other women but have been less apt to start a conversation or acknowledge someone who I knew was interested and I wasn’t. I guess what the reader should take from my experience is to lighten up, be open to experiencing the gift God has given us in our brother or sister in Christ no matter what the outcome of our interactions. We miss out on so many opportunities when we take dating so serious that we are forever cut off from knowing another person. That’s all I have to say. I won’t bother this website again. I needed to say this to someone who would listen and benefit. Thank you.
My grandmother was the single most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She was the epitome of class, sass, strength, beauty, kindness, intelligence, selflessness, individuality, wisdom and grace. I was blessed to have had her as a role model in my life. When I pass, my only wish is to see her and speak to her again. Being with her was to feel lucky to have lived. Everyone felt that way about her. I’m so fortunate to have been one of her many grandsons.
Jordana thinks...
your momma gives good advice!!
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