Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
people are love and respecting (now).
Join the movement.
Recently, I was hanging out with a group of friends and having a great time when a guy we didn’t know came up to us and joined the conversation. I talked with him for a while and then drifted into other conversation. A good friend of mine who was there introduced herself but didn’t speak another word to him.
The next day he asked her out.
I don’t tell this story in an effort to throw myself a pity party, but I do wonder how this came to be. Not that my friend isn’t worthy—she’s pretty, smart, talented, fun to be around, etc., but they hardly even spoke, and yet something about her made him want to ask her, not me, out.
Not me, who had talked to him for a much longer period of time. Confusion ensued…
I have lived life thus far in a state of pondering all the reasons why guys don’t seem to like me or be attracted to me. I should rephrase. They like me, evidenced in the amount of guy friends that I have. I am really easygoing around guys and don’t really get intimidated or shy at all. Friends and family would say I have a lot of confidence and am a really hard-working go-getter. I also take pride in being independent and individualistic. I promise I’m not as conceited as I sound right now.
But there has come a point in my self-discovery at which I want to understand how guys view me and why that has never translated into a romantic relationship. I think I possess a lot of good qualities that, so far, have made me a good friend and would make me a good girlfriend.
I have always been the girl whose friends can get guys with a blink, even if they don’t want the attention. The same friend I mentioned earlier has had (let me count) six guys ask her out or notify her of their feelings toward her in the past three weeks. And she says she doesn’t even like it and wishes her life weren’t so complicated.
And I think, oh, to have the attention from just one of those guys…
I guess my questions are these: Why are there some girls who always seem to have guys after them and other girls can never understand why? And why is that girl that they’re going after never me?
As a firm believer in Jesus Christ, I really do trust that He has a perfect plan for my life, but I’ve just found it hard in the past few months to have patience and not let my frustrations rule my thoughts. I also want to gain insight into the dynamics of relationships and how I can trust God more in this area of my life. I would appreciate any advice you have to give.
The answer is simple: Pheromones. Duh.
Honestly, I can’t tell you “why” guys seem to like your friends more than you, but I hope I can help you expand your thinking.
As you mentioned, your friend who gets asked out all the time doesn’t even like the attention. This is a commentary you will notice throughout your life in many different scenarios.
“The grass is always greener,” and what we don’t have will always seem better.
Practically speaking, while I can’t tell you why certain guys like your friends and not you, let’s flip the table. Put yourself in the guy’s shoes. Do you have a crush on every guy you talk to? There are probably certain guys that make you want to cut off your hand rather than interlock with theirs.
Attraction, personality, chemistry, etc., do play a role in who we want to date, and while it seems unfair not to be “picked” when you had the long conversation and your friend JUST shook his hand (and probably batted her L’Oreal-double-thick-length-boosting-love-potion-waterproof-blackeyblack-mascara-laden eyelashes), the reality is, he still took interest in her. And that hurts. So I’m sorry. Maybe you should study exactly what she does and says, wear her clothes, mascara (obviously), talk like her, figure out her Social Security number, change your name to…
Wait. That’s what I do—please learn from my mistakes.
Truly, try to put yourself in his shoes and have grace for this guy. He saw your friend and, even though it was a brief interaction, she may have simply been his initial “type,” and he wants to get to know her. After he does, he might think, “Yeah she was intriguing at first but couldn’t hold her own in a conversation like that other friend of hers. Hmmm, I wonder what she’s up to tonight?”
Or he might not.
But the reality is that he has just as much of a choice to ask you or your friend out as you have a choice to say yes or no. But what I love about you is that you want to learn and grow.
That’s all you or I can do.
I would encourage you to read some of the archived posts I have on men and women so you can ask yourself if those things might be true about the men in your life. My father’s book Love and Respect is also really helpful in understanding male and female differences. Knowing this stuff now will give you a heads-up on how to interact with men and may open your eyes to some fascinating things about how God has designed you as a woman so you know how to articulate that when you do start dating.
What I really want to challenge you with (more than telling you what pheromone pills you can start taking) is to come to grips with where God has you. Since we aren’t God (shocking revelation, I know), we can’t always understand why He has us in our current season. I am almost 30 and, like you, I am a go-getter and enjoy my independence, yet I’ve always been excited for the season when I would do life with someone who wanted to do life with me. I wouldn’t necessarily say I have been dreaming about having pooping, crying babies my whole life, but the realist in me is now starting to wonder whether my eggs will even be awake enough to have little Joy-spawns by the time I get hitched.
Anyway, my point in the overshare is because I get it. I get your questions and uncertainty that can come in different forms depending on what stage of life you are living. But I’ve also come to a place where I trust that God is a good God and that He is ultimately in control.
God isn’t trying to trick you or hurt you, but a broken world with humans who can make their own choices will often result in many of us feeling pain and rejection. Right now you are experiencing the pain that comes from feeling unnoticed and unvalued.
I encourage you to take your “un” feelings to God.
Read Scripture and see what it says about the truth of who you are. Then figure out if you believe what it says about God’s delight in you as His child. Guess what? He made you and called you good. And Carrie, I believe it.
From my heart,
Do you trust that God is good?
Do you trust that He has you in your current season of life, but is not punishing you or out to get you?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.