Hi, Joy,
What is your opinion on cross-cultural relationships?
—Derek
Hey, Derek,
Good question. My opinion on cross-cultural relationships is that they will pose unique obstacles that will cause the couple to ask many questions, one being, “Is it worth it?”
You might be able to figure out if it’s worth it by asking the more specific question: “Do we want to understand both cultures to possibly create a home life someday that would embody traditions and characteristics that each of us values?”
But here’s the thing, Derek. Cultural differences are just one way we can be different from someone we choose to date or marry. Differences are a byproduct of dating someone who is a human being. Unless the human being you are dating is your clone. And, sadly, I think that’s what many of us want in a partner.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
At my parents’ Love and Respect conferences, my father often says, “The key to marital bliss is . . .” And then he holds his hands out like a magician and everyone says in unison, “Communication!”
And then my dad pulls a bunny out of a hat and screams, “NO!”
Well, minus the rabbit, hat, and yelling “NO!”
Instead, my father proceeds to tell the audience that he believes communication is not the key.
One illustration he gives is telling the audience to imagine an English-speaking person who is traveling in a foreign country and surrounded by people speaking another language. For example, I recently went to Hong Kong and got a glimpse of what he meant. My friend Leora took me to the crowded “Ladies’ Market,” which is just a bunch of knock-off Gucci purses and iPhone covers. The languages in Hong Kong are Cantonese and Mandarin, so I was surrounded by noise that didn’t make me feel connected in any way. However, every time I heard people speaking English—especially if they had American accents—my eyes would dart to see who it might be. (I probably looked around if I heard an Australian accent, too. I try not to discriminate.)
The point is, everyone can be talking, but we don’t feel at home until we hear our mother tongue.
At Love and Respect, we propose that mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to successful relationships. So if your spouse was made differently from you, the key is to try to “learn a little bit of their language,” or what it is that energizes them, so that you can create an environment where they feel heard or understood.
God made us male and female; outgoing and introverted; black and white; Asian and African; and so on. These are factors that biology, humanity, and geography have contributed to create differences that may at times make us feel like we are metaphorically “speaking different languages.” If we don’t try to understand other people’s “languages”, we usually will come to the conclusion that they are wrong, their culture is wrong, or their personality is wrong.
Not effective when you are trying to have a relationship.
As my parents also say so well, “We’re not wrong; we’re just different.” When you accept that reality, you are less likely to move into a mentality that believes “my culture is better than their culture” because you grow to appreciate the strengths each brings to life as you pursue this relationship.
But let me also say that I think it’s important to have some key foundational similarities and tastes in your relationship. If you are two completely different people in every single area, I would have to wonder what your desire to build a life and family with that person would be.
As my father says, “Opposites attract, but later they start to attack.”
Differences, on the other hand, are beneficial when we seek to understand them and let them grow us—specifically when it comes to cultural differences as part of the dating relationship. I would think that would add an interesting element as you date. It should be an exciting time of broadening your worldview and appreciation of God’s incredible diversity among His people.
If you so choose, enjoy the beautiful work of diving into His mosaic.
From my heart,
Joy
Have you dated or married cross-culturally? What positive and negative aspects would you encourage Derek to consider as he dates?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
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Very intreesting quote of your Dad:
“Opposites attract, but later they start to attack.”
So why do you think opposites attract each other? And how can you understand/prevent/learn to value the ‘opposite’ and not attack it?
Just came across* two helpful phrases/identifiers for communication and co-operation in marriage:
1. unconscious roles
2. unspoken rules
This was in reference to different family “cultures” but I’m sure these are probably more pronounced for family+nation+language (etc) cross-cultural marriages. Mentioned was the need to verbalize these versus just automatically assuming your spouse will understand the hidden law/method/way.
But isn’t each person a universe? If we’re each indelibly stamped withe image of the eternal Creator Lord maybe a meeting of any two people is “cross-cultural” in a way.
*Saving Marriage Before it Starts by Dr. Les Parrott III & Dr. Leslie Parrott (way to parrot each other)
Joy, I appreciate how you responded. And I think you’re right when say, “Cultural differences are just one way we can be different from someone we choose to date or marry. Differences are a byproduct of dating someone who is a human being.” I agree 100%. Now that being said, I am married to a man from a different culture. And to be honest sometimes it feels like our differences are rooted more in gender and personality, than culture and country. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say there are cultural differences and sometimes they are so subtle you don’t realize them for awhile. And those subtle, almost innate things are what reminds you that we grew up and come from very different places. My advise to Derek or anyone who is dating or considering being in a cross-cultural relationships is you have to know yourself really, really well. And you have to know what is really important about your own culture, upbringing, traditions, etc so you know what things you want to hang on to or incorporate into your new relationship and what things you’re willing to let go of or do differently. I guess this may be true to a certain degree in all relationships, but Joy you’re right, that there are more unique obstacles in a cross-cultural relationship. Instead of asking which parents’ house are we going to to celebrate Christmas? You may be asking what country will be going to to celebrate Christmas? Or you may realize that the things that are socially/culturally appropriate to do with a group of friends from one culture may not be appropriate to do with friends from another culture. And that may be one of hardest things in a cross cultural relationship. The couple often learns how to navigate between two cultures because they have to, but sometimes other people (family, friends, co-workers don’t know how to do that as well) and it can make it hard to connect with other people together as a couple. That being said there is something unique and beautiful about getting to see God’s creative hand and expression through cultures and getting to live and figure out what a blending of two cultures, languages and counties looks like.
There are a lot variables here. Cross culturally can mean:
-literally a foreigner (“fresh off the boat”, legal, illegal, green card or naturalized, mail order), -religiously (from a completely different faith) -geographically (Yankees, southerners, beach bums, surfers, mountain lovers, country folk, city slickers, flat landers, islanders, and desert rats etc.) and or peoples (tribes, nations, tongues, deaf, blind, gangs, clubs, political).
The positive aspects of being on home territory and dating cross culturally: it opens up a whole new world of thinking and perspectives with a strong sense of security. Foods/ music/ traditions are good revealers. If you like being exposed to new & different things, cross cultural dating can be a lot of fun. It will take some extra energy but not so exhausting b/c you understand the larger cultural norms and subtleties where you are living.
Living abroad and dating cross culturally opens up a very complex adventure of the heart that can be exhausting on multiple levels. It can create challenges that are very enriching. Dating cross culturally while living abroad will test just about everything you have come to know and understand. Roles/expectations may surprise you. Children will want to feel your hair and touch your skin. They may even ask how you got to be that color.
You will have to be open to learning how to walk, talk, dress, greet and present yourself respectfully in brand new ways. Whistling while you work, sloppy sounding foot steps, not politely greeting people can cause big problems.
Negative aspects: Watch natgeo.tv “Locked Up Abroad” or the movies: “Not Without My Daughter”, “Brokendown Palace” or the “Inn of the sixth Happiness”, “The gods Must Be Crazy”. I think woman tend to be more vulnerable than men when dating cc and living abroad. The risks of dating cross culturally while living abroad can be down right dangerous/ deadly if you lack common sense/godly sense. The Book of Proverbs is a must read if you are going abroad. The delicate complexities in a new culture are better understood after the first year. Thanks to Hollywood there are some nasty sterotypes out there for Americans. As a US Citizen we can be perceived automatically as rich as the folks on “Dallas” and as slutty wenches who will put out for anybody! For the men especially, don’t under estimate local women who will fake love for a US Citizenship. The men were warned in the Peace Corps “watch out for the Peace Corps Belly”. Women who seduce unsuspecting men, get pregnant just to get their citizenship. Abandoment and broken marriage vows usually follow the nightmarish red tape. For the women: sexual slave trade,rape, and STD’s are a reality too! These are all things I have witnessed. Absolutely heart breaking stuff. Views about prenatal care, maintaining health, socialized medicine, raising children, superstitions, discipline, traditions around birth, marriage, death, corruption, political intrigue, continual surveillance, “home inspections” loss of privacy (mail comes opened), and driving can be quite shocking to your sensibilities.
Yes Joy I would agree cross cultural understanding is complicated. Check out Foreign Policy’s May/June Issue 2012 The Sex Issue. It tackles serious cultural issues. I started with the article, “Why do they hate us?” http://www.foreignpolicy.com/The_Sex_Issue
A wise Korean man in a cross-cultural marriage once told me, “EVERY marriage is a cross-cultural marriage…this one just more so than most.” That’s stuck in my head.
I have been married for 4 years. I am from São Paulo, Brazil, my husband is from Tulsa, OK! We were brought up very differently…. I was born and raised in the forth biggest city in the world, my husband is from a small town compare to mine. We have learned over these pasts 4 years to appreciate the differences, we no longer try to understand! But we often catch ourselves forcing our way in with our culture into our marriage. We not only have trouble communicating but also we have a language barrier. We both speak both languages (portuguese and english) but not always I understand the right meaning of sentences if he is speaking in english to me and vice-verse. In my head the word he said means something and it doesn’t.
With all these being said, we are not much different from most couples from the same culture. We just have to work a bit harder to really understand each other, cause we were not only created differently by God (male and female) but we also speak different languages, we are from different countries, different cultures, etc.
It has been very worth it, but not easy!!!
HME thinks...
My experience of dating internationally resulted in the following learning: awareness of expectations and how they differ according to experience. Not neccessarily quantity of dating relationships but international or cross cultural friendships.
E.g. Harold and Henrietta living internationally want to pursue the potential of a dating relationship between Australia and Antarctica. If Australian Harold frequently maintains friendships with people in New Zealand, China and Russia when Antartican Henrietta only maintains friendships in her home city there will be differences in expectations in how to communicate frequently without constantly meeting the other person and how to cope with a distance barrier. Expectations on the feasibility, practicalities and awareness of disadvantages of international dating could not be known to Henrietta when Harold expects that they are.
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