Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
I want to build a solid foundation of a relationship, but I don’t want to overwhelm a man with my emotions.
I first want to say that I don’t like that women get a rap for being overly emotional. I think both men and women were designed with strong feelings and sensitivities and emotions. But where we can see general differences is oftentimes in how women process their emotions, and how men process their emotions…
Have you ever experienced your emotions being real but not right?
How can you create space for someone to share emotions without getting overwhelmed?
What are ways we can show grace to someone in how they express – or don’t express – their emotions?
Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Thanks Joy!
a) for using a retail example as a context where feelings may be real but not right (such a helpful phrase!)
This is an aisde, but our church recently read a passage from Nehemiah, and in that passage, the people are literally told not to feel the way they feel, and they listen and they change their feelings (Nehemiah 8:9-12). Sometimes, it’s a little bit appropriate for someone to say, “snap out of it” (the larger context is important, but still), and it is actually possible for us to have some level of control over our emotions.
b) I really appreciate how you connected feelings-sharing with communication theory in light of gender differences. Those differences are real, and legitimate. For the woman to express how important it is that she share her feelings with the man in her life is such a helpful strategy for helping understand why she’s doing it. Thanks!
I can’t think of a time where my emotions were real but not right. I’m a guy, I don’t process my emotions well at times. Yet I will bawl my eyes out in some sad movie, this concerns me at times….
This is a place where men and women have to be careful; it is totally awesome that a man can listen and help a woman process her feelings; this however should only be done in a dating/marriage relationship. Although I am a good listener, I try to point women to other women when they want to talk about some emotional aspects of their life. This type of “sharing” time is totally a quality time and should be approached with great caution because as a ‘Man’ he is going to want to “take care of you and protect you.” This may be putting him into a role you — as a lady — do not want to put him in unless you are being pursued by him in a dating/marriage type way. I have seen this in a couple of places in recent long talks with some of the women who are open to me and I have come to the point where I do point them away to other women because, if it is intentional or not, I keep wanting to comfort them with my love and need to comfort them with Christ’s Love. It is getting harder to be objective with quite a few as I have grown with them and we have many shared memories together. Beware, or at least mindful.
We can be there to help them process emotions from time to time. If I am in a situation where I don’t know how to emotionally process where I am and/or what the current situation is, I tend to shut down everything around me and attempt to separate myself from the situation to properly understand what is being communicated. As a man it is very easy for me to “lash out in anger, wrath and bitterness” — no this is not an excuse and I totally condemn this type of immature behavior — so I will sit down and attempt to process the difference between what is being ‘said’ and what is ‘meant.’ This was an issue with my ex-wife and me; when we were having a communications breakdown, I would retract and try to process, when I would do this, she would get frustrated and “lash out at me for not saying anything” and not give me the time I needed to process what she was communicating. I know a couple of different men that are like this; we don’t really understand what is being communicated, as we “men” can only process one thing at a time, we may need some time to process, but we should be able to communicate that “we are processing.” I am so very thankful I can properly communicate that now, thank you Love and Respect!
PS: Who else loves Joy’s alter ego?
PSS: Still a little concerned about the whole Unicorn thing!
PSSS: This picture helps a lot: http://media.heavy.com/media/2011/11/meme_body.jpg
@Aron, Thanks for sharing – I think a good bawling the eyes out at a movie is healthy for all of us! I’m glad that L&R message is helping you put words to what you need to say when you are needing time to process. This, done gently will be met with lots of grace by a good woman.
I would say I slightly disagree with your first large paragraph, but understand the heart behind it. I think we always need to exercise discernment and be mindful if we are starting to fill a role for someone that is unhealthy – but I think each situation is case by case. If someone is comfortable and free in who they are as a man or woman then I think some of us are given the gift and opportunities to be there for one another – even if they are the opposite sex. Again – each person knows their motives and heart, but I know many men who are free enough in their spirits to pray for me, listen to me and be the body of Christ to me in appropriate times or manners. Sometimes in a mans effort to do the right thing, he can make a woman feel like she has done something wrong by refusing to engage or pray with her. But – youll need to pray through what that might look like for you and in what seasons of life you can do that.
Thank you so much for this post, Joy. As someone who has never dated before, I have lots of questions and insecurities about being inexperienced in romantic relationships and this was one of the things I was unsure of. Also, I think this is especially relevant in friend situations where we can be reactive rather than rational. A lot of times, if something goes wrong with a friend; the immediate reaction is to tell your closest friend right away because we want to feel validated. But really, we should be doing exactly what you said – give it to God first, talk it out with Him, and give ourselves a chance to process everything with His help before we turn to others for advice. Great post and I love the editor’s note!
@ST, thanks for your kind words. Couldn’t agree more that this can apply in friendships. I think we practice interacting with the opposite sex and being introspective now so that when a relationship comes we have more insights and experience even if we’ve never “officially” dated. When you do date – make sure you have a little fun too!
I love your response to the question – well thought out, respectful of personhood and practical. If I may, I’d like to suggest a qualification to the statement “emotions may be real but not right.” I think it’s what you intended but I’ll go ahead and suggest it anyway.
I avoid calling emotions right or wrong because it still sets up the person to feel really feel rotten for having those emotions. I like to frame extreme negative emotions as red flags to potential wrong perceptions or thinking. Emotions are natural responses to our belief systems – not “right” or “wrong,” just natural. So I encourage people to pay attention to them and then ask, “What am I perceiving right now?” or “What am I believing about the situation that precipitated the emotions?” And then check the perceptions by asking the appropriate questions. Like “I may be mistaken, but could you check my receipt for my purchases?”
So, I think we are saying the same thing. I just tend to refrain from using “right” or “wrong” terminology when it comes to emotions. Those words usually translate into “I am bad.”
Love you, Joy!
@Harriet, You may always make a suggestion or qualification – you know I respect your mind!
I do think we are saying similar things – but your approach is a good one. I’d be interested in what you thought about Val’s comment. I think the manifestation of our feelings can actually cause us to do the wrong thing and so when our feelings get us to think something, I do think those thoughts or actions can be wrong — but of course I NEVER want someone to move into shame-based motivation so if I sense that’s whats happening, I hope I can reframe what I am communicating.
Thanks for your comment!
@JOY, I’m not sure I would make the application that Val implies from the Nehemiah passage. If you read 8:12 it actually affirms what I just articulated – the people are able to turn their grief into joy “because they now understood the words that had been made known to them.” Nehemiah addressed their belief system, their understanding that needed correction and precipitated their emotions. I don’t get from this passage any sense that Nehemiah was telling the people to snap out of their grief (depression?) and to choose joy. Joy came from their deepened understanding of God’s words. I personally would not tell a person to snap out of it. But maybe it works for some people.
Terry Brock thinks...
camera man sounds like a keeper.
| at |