So yeah, there’s this girl I know. She’s amazing, but whenever I think about asking her out, I start to think that she’s too good for me.
So my question for you is, can someone be too good for somebody else?
-Matt
Photo Credit: Kristiane Webb
Hey Matt,
“You’re too good for him/her” is a phrase I hear a lot when someone’s been hurt in a relationship.
And I’ve said it myself. Oops.
It’s true that some of us might say that or even think that, especially when we’ve been hurt by another human being, or want to comfort a friend, but that phrase isn’t really theologically correct. God made and loves us all equally.
I wonder what would happen if we intentionally tried to stop saying this phrase to our friends who have been hurt and instead said something actually constructive?
Ok, I think I’ve gotten off topic from what seems to really be going on here. Back to you.
If you were a womanizer or were holding up banks every weekend for fun, I would probably encourage this girl not to go out with you. Not because she is “too good for you” but…
…because she needs to not be stupid.
But my guess is that you aren’t the type of guy putting unmarked bills in a gym bag while wearing a Ronald Reagan mask. You’re probably feeling like she is “too good for you” because of your insecurities or feelings of shame in certain areas. I would encourage you, especially if she is your friend, to give it a shot and ask her out.
You might be surprised.
However, don’t live in la-la land. If you think she is this “amazing” girl but the only interactions you’ve had with her are when you’ve followed 50 feet behind her in the grocery store (we’ve all been there), then I would recommend downplaying the creepy part first, getting to know her in a casual setting, and then considering asking her out. You might be surprised when you get to know her that you imagined her to be more amazing than she really is!
But here’s the kicker. If she says no, it will be very easy for you to get an attitude and say, “Oh, well that chick just thinks she’s too good for everybody.”
The reality is, she may actually think that.
But if she is an amazing woman like you say, I doubt that’s her mentality. There could be a myriad of other things going on. Maybe she is interested in someone else. Maybe she isn’t dating right now. Or maybe she is just slightly uncomfortable with you ever since she saw you staring at her from behind the Cocoa Krispies on aisle 4 last week.
Final thought: Give it a shot! But don’t let her answer dictate your self-worth. Only God should do that.
From one fellow grocery-store stalker to another,
Joy
What do you think is an example of constructive consoling?
Do you think someone can be ‘too good’ for someone else?
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That’s a tough one and a good question. I think if you disagree with his statement, you just kindly tell him you disagree and tell him why you admire him, what you respect about him and let him know that you hope he lets people speak truth and challenge into his life in areas where he feels inadequate or feels shame. I would encourage him to find an older man in his life to be that, but you can’t force someone to believe you. If he doesn’t have grace for his own inadequacies and hope that God can transform his life, he may not have grace for you in a relationship or the strength to believe either one of you can change. It’s a bummer. )-:
Thanks Joy, for the wise words for me to think over. There is much wisdom in what you have to say.
He needs a Mature Man to sit down with him and disciple him. This sounds like a confidence thing and the best place for men to get encouragement is from other men.
Thank you for the wise words Aron. It does sound like a confidence thing. I hadn’t realized that other men are the best place for encouragement, but now that you mention it, it really makes sense. I will pray that wise men speak into his life.
I would add not only are we all equal, we’re all sinners in need of grace. It is not possible for her to be better than you in worth or moral value.
That said, it’s possible she is not good for you, or you may not be good for her. Do your values and vision for life align? Are you both in a healthy place or trying to be healthy (in a relational/emotional sense)? If the answer to these questions is no, that doesn’t mean she’s better than you or you’re better than her. It’s just not a good fit.
Of course, as Joy said, you can’t find out these things unless you get to know her. It also sounds like you’re putting her on a pedastle, which if true, might hinder the getting to know each other process.
Yes to all of that. My hope was that through the “robbing a bank” scenario we might touch on the fact that some people are just not healthy or good for us at this time. There’s hope for all of us though! But hope for someone doesn’t mean we should settle down and raise a family with them! Good thoughts Bethany.
I would tell him to ask her out. The pain of rejection never hurts as much as the pain of regret. Then get a mature man to start discipling him. I am beating a dead horse here, but discipleship is fundamental. The only thing you can make a man out of is a boy.
The only way someone can be “too good” for someone else is if that someone else is wrapped up in some pet or habitual sin they need to deal with first. Other than that, they should be ready for the dating/marriage portion of life.
Aron-
I am intrigued by what you said about habitual sin. I feel like that is where I am personally stuck right now. I struggle with an eating disorder and more often than not, it gets the best of me. I tell myself that I need to be single until I have overcome it.
On the one hand, I don’t want to yoke myself to someone and drag him down with my struggle. But on the other hand, maybe the very fact that I’m struggling against my disorder says that I am NOT living in habitual sin, but rather am fighting a daily spiritual battle, even if I often feel like I’m losing.
Thoughts?
I just wrote an email this morning that said, “sorry to beat a dead horse, but let the beating begin.”
On another note – I agree with your second paragraph and like I said to Bethany someone may be “not good” right now, but I really desire for us to move away from the labeling of “not good enough.” Might just be semantics…
“But don’t let her answer dictate your self-worth. Only God should do that.” Man, that’s good stuff. And it’s one of the things I forget ALL THE TIME. Thanks for that.
me too! I added that line way after writing the post. i was re-reading it before posting and thought – ahh! This is the whole point!! Praise God.
This is a tricky one, but I think that the real issue here is the misuse of “good” versus “self-respect/self-worth”. I know that when I tell a friend that he/she is too good for someone, I usually really mean to say that I respect what you embody, and I feel like in this relationship you are lowering your standards/values for the sake of being accepted/loved. Besides, I do believe that the Bible states somewhere that you should not cast your pearls to swine (and I mean this respectfully). In that regard, I think that it is not prideful at all to have standards where relationships are involved. From what Matt stated, I sense that he has genuine respect for this girl, and that to me explains his fear with regards to making that next big step. I think that he is dueling between his genuine respect for what she embodies and a fear of compromising her in some way or another.
Great words Jacqui! Like I just said to Aron, what I am getting at may just be semantics, but I hope in addressing it we will think further about our words and how we let those dictate our decisions and self-worth. Your added thoughts are wonderful!
There’s a guy I see every week.
He won’t talk to me. I can tell he likes me.
But he looks terrified when I come near, and he doesn’t talk to me. At all.
If I gesture toward him, he sort of squeaks out something even though normally he’s got a fairly deep voice. And looks nervous.
We don’t have a relationship. We can’t if we can talk. But I’m really hoping for him as a brother that Christ gets into that fear and breaks him into His freedom. That’s what sisters want.
hahaha, wow. Your advice is funny, encouraging and true.
“don’t let her answer dictate your self-worth. Only God should do that.”
I LOVE THAT.
I kind of have the same problem, but instead, we have been best friends for almost three years. I tend to over-play things in my head, and I’ve come to the assumption that she would be much better off without me. Recently, she’s called me her “straight gay friend” which I guess basically means the ultimate friend-zone. I like what we’ve got together right now, and that makes it harder to confess my feelings and potentially end the lack of awkwardness between us. I’ve even developed a habit of having a conversation with myself when I’m alone. We (myself and I) both agreed to pray about it, and I’ve been waiting for God to just tell me what I should do, but I know he speaks through others, and that’s been a problem since until I post this, He’s been the only one who knows how I feel about her.
Ros thinks...
I have often had people tell me I was too good for someone after I was rejected. I would rather have preferred the construcitve criticism. You are so right, we are all made equal.
I think its true that men or women feel like they are not good enough for someone of the opposite gender due to shame issues in their own life.
What does one do if you are the girl in the situation and the man you like has said that he feels like he is not good enough for you? Besides prayer?
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