Hi, Joy!
Recently I was talking to this guy and everything was going well. We had planned a date and everything. Out of nowhere, he just disappeared and blocked me on Facebook. Can you give guys advice on that? They cannot just disappear. They have to tell the girl they are not into them. I don’t think this is even a godly reaction. He is not putting the other person’s feelings before his. Please post on Facebook because he is on the Love and Respect Now page.
—Annie
Photo Credit: Shirley Sheung
Hey, Annie,
You’re getting your wish for me to post this to the LRN Facebook page but probably not how you had envisioned.
I understand you’re hurt and frustrated, but I’m more concerned that you openly asked ME to publicly scold him because he did something that, in your opinion, is “ungodly.” Let’s take a step back and think about this…
You liked someone a lot. You were hopeful about the possibility of a relationship. You were disappointed and let down. You got your feelings hurt.
These are all true statements.
This being ungodly? Maybe, but there are other possibilities.
He might be very immature. He might be mean. He might have gotten nervous. He might have met someone else. He may have decided he didn’t like you. He might have heard that you drink Pepsi, and he’s the great-grandson of Mr. Coca-Cola and couldn’t see how you would raise your kids.
All of those options are hurtful, but not all are wrong. His silence, however, was less than ideal, and I would agree that it’s not what I would prefer either. Makes you feel slightly crazy and insecure, huh?! I feel you.
However, a little insight into many of the guys I’ve spoken with: Some say that if a relationship is fairly new or not even developed and a girl decides she isn’t into it, he would rather she just “go dark” than tell him to his face why she’s over it. I think it helps these men save face from having to deal with rejection.
Interesting, huh?
But he went so far as to actively block you! The nerve.
What do you do?
If you still want to know why and his actions seem disconnected with who you think he might really be, you could say, “Hey—I noticed you blocked me. Was that intentional, or did Mark Zuckerberg twist your arm? Did I do something to offend you? That felt kind of drastic, especially since we had plans. So I just want to clear the air if I did something.”
This puts you in a humble but mature position to confront the behavior that you found hurtful and yet opens the door to see if he has a “why” behind his actions. If you know you haven’t done anything wrong, you can live in freedom knowing that, at best, it may just be something fixed by clearing the air, and, if you did offend him, that you are humble enough to hear and sort through what he says.
Be prepared, though; he may not respond.
Response or not, this is an opportunity to talk with God about people who do hurtful things that make no sense. I have BEGGED God to give me answers about certain people’s behaviors, and I’ve suggested He cut off their man-parts (Galatians 5:12). But that doesn’t usually benefit me or my desire to be mature. But we can still cry out to God about our questions. Read Psalms and Job!
As I look back on different scenarios, I realize that sometimes I’ve learned the most when God doesn’t give me a direct answer. In the midst of your questions, I hope you don’t allow bitterness toward him, God, or all men to grow. I see that far too often from people who have been hurt and disappointed, and it’s not fair to their future relationships. In the midst of feeling hurt,
…I hope you can guard against an embittered heart.
If you’re not careful, you might do something immature in return—like asking me to publicly scold him. (-:
From my “scolding blockage” loving heart,
Joy
p.s. I know forgiveness is hard, but HERE is a post I wrote on the topic as well as a SERMON my pastor recently gave on the topic that was really encouraging to me.
Have you experienced miscommunication online before?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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As a man, I find this less than hilarious, and that is being polite! Perhaps a small revision might be more encouraging to men. Still, I like the whole of your article, as It correctly brings our focus to honor, maturity, and respect.
I would argue that “going dark,” is not the best choice unless all other options had been tried already. I think it is too disrespectful to the other person. Why should one say they like another, then treat them badly? It just seems less honest! People deserve to know the truth, even if for no other reason than understanding how they must grow. This gives them the opportunity to fix any mistakes, so that their next relationship might be more successful. Difficult or not, such face-to-face conversations (not phone calls, emails, or text messages) should be done with as much love and respect as possible. “Going dark” is just convenient for those wishing to end the relationship. It doesn’t really help anyone mature!
Glad you were honestwith Joy, but knowing her, she wouldn’t do this with any poor intent. She is being honest with a place of anger or frustration she was in, and honest with prayers she has prayed or feelings she has felt! She is shedding light on the fact that we often ask God for things that are not in line with how he would want us to care for others or what He would want for them! I know I have prayed for justice for people knowing I want it in a way that God wouldn’t! I am not a male so I am not claiming that I have the same perspective or that all females would feel this way, but just a thought, considering her heart for both men and women of our generation. She speaks honestly and dandidly, as it seems you appreciate as well:)
candidly*
I’m with you, Julie. I almost laughed out loud sitting at my desk at work.
Although I find it disturbing, it is scriptural…. Slightly funny.
Oh Joy!
I love that you see the forest through the trees and respond to the big picture and not the knot hole in the fence size view we tend to have when we are neck deep in crisis. Excellent advice.
Annie to add to what Joy has so eloquently offered to you, never forget that there is only one thing in this life you will ever have control over. You. That’s it. When you allow the actions of another to steer the course of your choices, you effectively give up that control. You may never know why you were cut off by this guy, but more than likely, it has to do with him and his issues (whatever they are) and not you or yours. I’m speaking from the experience of a self-conscious and fearful man-child.
I was clearly reminded just this morning that God loves you (me) infinitely and wants you (me) to strive to love yourself (and others)as much as He does. If you can strive to do that, the abundance of love He wants to pour into you will spill out into the lives of others and your heart will be overflowing with joy and peace. Within that possibility, the action or inaction of others, as well as, the blessings and trials of life will all generate a gratitude for whatever remains in your daily life. This doesn’t remove the purpose and benefit of being upset or sad, it simply gives you the hope and knowledge that eternity is permanent while circumstance is in flux and emotions are fleeting.
AND, in defense of the Galatians passage… In the context of the time it was written, Paul was expressing his frustration with a small faction of agitators who were causing, or trying to cause, dissension within the believers of the time over following the law ( to cut or not to cut? that is the question). They were trying to justify themselves by their own actions in following the law which Christ has already fulfilled. Paul’s emasculation sentiment was basically his commentary that these specific people would better serve the cause by removing their man parts than foolishly arguing salvation or status based on a foreskin. Kinda vilifies Christ by comparing His sacrifice to a disposable piece of flesh. So their self emasculation would not relieve them of their salvation and, thus, their argument would quite literally have no substance.
Have an awesome and blessed day all,
~M
This has both happened to me in the past and I am also guilty of it:
When it was done to me; it wasn’t nearly as painful as I had expected. Although she apparently “wasn’t that into me” I still like having closure. The wondering can be painful; do I stink, am I ugly, did she get into a car wreck and is in the hospital and unable to contact me back, does she have amnesia and has forgotten about me? WHAT HAPPENED ???????
I had done this to a wonderful godly woman who I had dated quite a few times, but she wanted nothing to do with children; natural, adopted or babysitting. Sorry, that one is not going to work for me, I am all about raising the next generation of godly men and women. When I realized I hadn’t communicated with her in a long time, we texted and had coffee so we could both have closure. She was awesome, but children are the future.
One lovely lady went out once with me and decided she “wasn’t that into me” and she was very straight forward about “It not going to work out between us.” It was easy over text, although I am still not sure that is the best way.
In this situation although immature I think on his part and on her reaction, I see the situation in the L&R conference DVDs where he is trying to do the “Honorable” thing by backing down and not lashing out, and she feeling hurt and “Reaching out” for him to comfort her. Outside of marriage and or a very long committed relationship, this is an area we need to be careful with as to protect ourselves as well as those who may be involved.
$0.02 This also protects us at times so we don’t try to change ourselves into someone we are not to get the one we want. I don’t like your , then the next thing you see they (him or her) has changed to be like they think that person would like. Be yourself folks, God has an awesome plan for us all; have peace and joy in that.
Great job Joy!
Joy, you have rightly challenged our thinking on whether it wise to combine dating with online culture. Taking it too seriously or personal can lead us down the road of wrong assumptions. Where respect and social media intersects, it seems not-jumping to conclusions is a learned skill. Blocking may feel like a “slap” but it doesn’t always mean rejection. It could be that timeline transition messing with your access. Or goofy friends hijacking the account for a shock factor!! For Annie, it sounds like the mixed signals was problematic. She’s one of those girls that prefers feedback. I hope Annie gets the opportunity to clear the air with this person and then finds the providential blessing in this mystery. “Going dark” what an interesting term! I wonder if “going dark” has some advantages we need to know about? I suspect it minimized the drama and confrontation for the person checking out. Does it guard us from saying words we might regret ? Is it the lesser of two evils? Going dark is hard to understand, but giving the benefit of the doubt might be the neutralizing solution in all this online chemistry! 😉
“I have BEGGED God to give me answers about certain people’s behaviors, and I’ve suggested He cut off their man-parts (Galatians 5:12).”
HAHAHA! So hilarious. Because it’s true! 🙂 I just want to give Annie (and all women who feel this way) some encouragement… if you genuinely ask God with a contrite heart to show you why people have treated you a certain way… I believe He will show you. Eventually. I’ve experienced His revelation most recently one whole year after I initially was hurt/confused. In the past, it’s been five years or more. If you really want revelation, keep asking and believing, and He will show you in His time. He’s so good like that.
And btw, every time I’ve received that revelation, my very fast response has been, “Thank you for saving me from myself. You knew best! That would have never worked!” 🙂
Julie (@julespreever) thinks...
I find it hilarious how you have a Scripture reference to cutting off their man parts.
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