How do you decide if you like someone ENOUGH to start dating them? My struggle is not so much with picking a quality guy, but more with overcoming my internal indecisiveness when it comes to dating people.
I ask this as sort of a follow-up to your post from awhile back about “Anxious Andy” and people whose personalities lend them to being ambivalent about decision-making. When I sense that a guy likes me, I have a really hard time deciding whether I like him enough to date him. I worry that my lack of experience, combined with too many romantic comedies, is leading me to have an unrealistic idea of what I should feel when I’m around a guy (i.e., intense admiration/attraction/fireworks all the time).
I also have this huge fear of leading guys on, to the point where I don’t want to ever go out with them more than once unless I’m SURE that I like them, because otherwise I’d be leading them on, right? I want to feel like I have no reservations about the guy I’m with. Is that even possible when you’re an “Anxious Andy” type?
What I’ve heard from a lot of people is that, in the early stages of dating, you should be basically head-over-heels for the person, full of butterflies all the time, etc. and that, if you don’t feel that way, then don’t bother. Recently, a guy who is a good friend of mine told me that he’s liked me for a long time. I definitely felt some attraction to him, but in the end I waffled back and forth for a few weeks and ended up telling him “no,” not because I had no feelings for him at all but because I didn’t feel like I had as strong of an attraction to him as I thought I should.
Now he is all I can think about, and I’m worried I ended something that could have been really great. I am VERY physically attracted to him, and he has an incredible heart and loves Jesus. And we have a lot of fun together, although his sense of humor tends more toward the “corny” while I tend to be more attracted to guys who are somewhat wittier. Still, he’s one of my favorite people in the world.
So…how do you decide if you like someone ENOUGH to start dating them?
—Jessica
Photo Credit: Lauren Dubinsky
Hi Jessica,
Let’s dive in by reading one of your lines three times. Yes, I want you to read it out loud three times and ask yourself, “Does this thinking line up with the overall theme of the Bible…or Hollywood?”
“What I’ve heard from a lot of people is that, in the early stages of dating, you should be basically head-over-heels for the person, full of butterflies all the time, etc. and that, if you don’t feel that way, then don’t bother.”
You seem smart, so I’m guessing you got the right answer.
People often like to project their stories onto your story or how it should be for you because it’s what they know – and people feel more confident speaking from a place of comfort. My friend Bianca wrote about this recently in a great post where she describes meeting her husband. I thought your question was a great follow up to that post ‘cause here’s the thing…
Usually, people have good motivation. They share their experience because they don’t want you to make their mistakes or they don’t want you to settle.
But if their “back-flip-butterfly-bull-donkey” theory is preventing you from giving a quality man more than one date because you don’t “feel” something yet, then you need to reevaluate your dating committee.
As far as leading someone on, the opposite of that is not dating at all. And if you don’t date, then how would you ever develop Olympic-somersault-tummy-tipping feelings? (Side-note: If you are having those feelings pre-getting to know someone, then my guess is that it’s probably more feelings than actual substance.)
If you know your motivation to try dating is pure, then your motivation is – PURE. You may eventually conclude that it’s not a match, but the person you were dating won’t say you led them on; instead they’ll know that you were giving things a chance, just like they were. Both of you will eventually come to a conclusion based on your experience.
And though your conclusions may be different, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. You may simply come to different conclusions and one of those might be that you don’t want to continue dating.
If you date a mature person, they will understand this announcement, even if it hurts.
Someone who guilts you with, “You led me on,” (when you know your motivation was pure) is labeling you in an effort to make sense of their feelings. As crummy as that might make you feel, let it be all the more confirmation for you to move on.
As for your corny and not-so-witty friend…Forgive me as I do my own back flip, but can I get his number?!?
LOOK AT HOW YOU DESCRIBED HIM. Really? You ended the possibility of wading into the waters of a relationship with your (AND I QUOTE), “favorite person in the world” over his humor style?
Did you know my mom wasn’t attracted to my dad NOR did she think he was funny at all when she met him? She gave him a “chance” because of his heart, passion, and desire to be a father. Not gonna lie, my dad is now one of the funniest people I know and thankfully he grew out of his awkward-70’s-afro-fringe-leather-bell-bottom-everything look pretty quickly.
My mom’s story isn’t your story, but my gut says that unless there are issues that go beyond humor preferences, you might want to evaluate the deeper reason you put on the back-flip-breaks so soon. Corny could be right around the corner.
From my heart,
Joy
p.s. “LEADING YOU ON” #ASKJOY VIDEO COMING IN JAN 2013!
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Have you labeled a good-willed person as “leading you on” to minimize your feelings of rejection?
What could be some deeper or sub-conscious reasons you might not give your “favorite person in the world” a chance?
What could be some reasons to give “Corny” a shot?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
My dad was something special alright! Your Rhett takes humor to a whole new level. I love that you have to pay attention and boy when you do…one of the funniest guys ever. Miss you guys!
I love you. That is all.
This comment was in spam. I’m going to have a really hard and honest conversation with my computer about blocking you. This is not ok at all.
Also, happy thanksgiving. Thankful for meeting you and thankful you are ALIVE!!!
I was in this same situation and my issue was that I thought committing to a date meant marriage. The best advice I was given in the situation was “Going on a date is not committing to marriage. If it things don’t work out, it might be hard, but you’ll learn from it and move on. But if things work out, then how great could that be?” That was definitely a “lightbulb” moment for me. I feel you Jessica, but I also want to second everything Joy said. 🙂
Great words. Thanks for sharing your lightbulb moment Michaeleen! (-:
Why give “corny” a shot?
1)Corny is clean! No filthy talk here. The jesting is not coarse either.(Ephesians 5:1-4). This is more evidence of a God-honoring Christian person!
2) By the grace of God, “corny” can produce a happy harvest . Corn on the cobs will abound, popcorn will fly and there will be enough left over for a cornball to share.
3) Corny is better than sarcastic wit. Sarcasm usually have roots in bitterness and resentment and that will spill over into the relationship. Corny is just happy .
4) Corny is easier to work with than issues like: ungodly, angry, violent, jealous, unfaithful. lazy, unemployable.
5)Based on Jessica’s experience, corny people have the patience of Job. Corny people have the courage to endure nit-picky friends. Corny people have the fortitude to deal perfectionism-.a disease that is never satisfied or content.
I’d say, don’t be cornfused by “corny”. Give “corny” a serious shot! 😉
haha to #2.
If Jessica were my sister or friend, we’d sit on my cushy couch with coffee and biscotti and I’d tell her:
Don’t cling too tightly to your preconceived notions about who you’re normally attracted to and who you think would be most compatible with you (in regard to personality, preferences, demographics, etc.). Just because someone doesn’t fit your usual type is not a good reason to reject the idea of dating him. If you think you have everything figured out about your love life, consider this: Dating only your self-determined “type” hasn’t worked out yet, especially since you are still single, so why not be open to other possibilities?
Beautifully said!! Love the advice.
I get where Jessica is coming from. Been there when I was in my early twenties. Now, that I’m in my early thirties (oy, that hurts some days haha), I definitely see things differently. I agree with Joy’s opinion very much so. I do want to say that you should have a “loose” idea of the type of character you want in a future boyfriend/husband. Kind, generous, loves Jesus, desires to have children (or not, if you do not desire to have children), has integrity, makes you laugh, etc. Galatians 5:22 is a good place to start as well. 🙂 Communication is a great thing to have, too. The only way you’ll be able to find out if a guy has the qualities you are looking for and can communicate well with you is by spending time with him. If it doesn’t work out, well, like Joy and someone else said, you at least tried.
I recently turned 30 too and had to write it out last night. Oy! is right.
“As for your corny and not-so-witty friend…Forgive me as I do my own back flip, but can I get his number?!?”
For real 🙂
Amen amen.
I am barely growing out of my “Jessica mindset”. Her words were so similar to me AND at the time I knew that some of it wasn’t rational. I heard the stories of “I married someone so different than who I expected” and thought thats nice for YOU. I knew romantic comedies weren’t real life BUT I still thought, “but I know best AND I’ve seen pictures of people on pinterest who have hollywood endings”. (Clearly I was completly level headed).
After spending time with a wise friend (Joy) and a my counselor urging me to relax about dating, I gave a great guy a chance. He was kind and honest and attractive but a huge dork. We dated for a few months and a had a lot of fun but it didn’t work. It wasn’t a tragedy or dramatic and of course there was loss from investing in someone but we both knew we were just dating.
A few months later there was another man that was pursuing me and I was like well I already tried “giving things a chance” and it didn’t work so surely I should go back to plan A and wait for my perfect checklist. So I decided that this guy wasn’t going to get a chance. Fast forward 8 months and a lot of freedom from the Lord and freedom from my picture of what I want, and I am very in love with this same guy. Plan B felt uncomfrotable and awkward and I carried fear into it but with time it proved itself.
I tell this because I had about 40 reasons not to date him. about 38 were really silly and the 2 things that made me hesitant came up with time and are being talked through and prayed about. And because of them we have grown closer. It is not to say that settling is the way to go, but that God truely knows what we need more than we know. That closeness and real relationship is hard, but honesty and grace will go a LONG WAY.
Oh, wow. I have high-jacked your blog and rambled. You said it best already:)
What could be some reasons to give “Corny” a shot?
Jonathan made me pee my pants on our first “date” because he was acting so corny. I left that NCTO saying, “He’s such a GREAT friend and nothing more than a friend.” And then, as legend goes, I married him. IT took an entire year to become attracted to him. I am living proof that corny guys make the best husbands especially when they love Jesus and adore their lady.
I really like what you said in this piece. (That’s why I shared it at http://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.) I was just thinking this morning though, that instead of “Do I like him enough?” maybe the question should be, “Do I respect him enough?” I know that seems like an obvious nod to the whole “love and respect” thing, but honestly many many ladies marry men they “liked enough” only to wind up stuck with men they don’t respect much. However, if you determine to date men you have grown to respect immensely you may be surprised to find what feelings well up inside you. Much easier to enjoy the company of someone you’ve grown to respect than someone who you discover you only liked. Just my thoughts
I make some of my worst decisions doing the things I think I’m ‘supposed’ to do. Jessica, don’t listen to your dating comittee…like joy said they sound more hollywood than biblical. Take this as an experint, let go of what you think it should be like. You’re already friends with this guy and like him enough to hang out..here’s the opportunity to spend more time with him and get to know him better. MJ, love what you wrote. Attraction is more readily born from respect than respect from attraction.
Very much enjoyed this one and all the comments. I thought I’d paste a really good resource section from DesiringGod on dating & singleness. Hope it helps 🙂 http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/topic-index/dating-singleness
This! – “(Side-note: If you are having those feelings pre-getting to know someone, then my guess is that it’s probably more feelings than actual substance.)”
I totally was not into my husband when we first met. His interest in getting to know me more only irritated me. The joke is now that I used to hate him. I didn’t HATE him. But, I sure didn’t going pitter patter over him. Once we got to know each other, I FELL totally in love with him.
He had the guts to pursue friendship with me for many months, while I was rather cold as ice. I’m glad he took the risk! So, so glad!
I have this same problem. He’s mature and I do love his humor, I am physically attracted to him (probably 8/10) but I don’t get the butterflies. This was a great encouragement to me, because a week ago, he surprised me by asking if I wanted to be “more than friends” after we’d texted for about a month. I didn’t know what to do, and this article has made me think better of the idea of dating him.
Val thinks...
Loved hearing your mom’s initial impressions of your Dad. Pom poms for corny guy!
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