Ask Joy

Hey Joy,

I recently met someone. Bummer is, one of us is moving twenty hours away.  We have had several discussions about giving this a chance or not. 

We are taking that chance! 

We’ve decided that instead of getting in the rut of “What did you have for lunch today?” conversations, we should do something more intentional.  We’ve only been dating for a short time, so doing a really “mushy-lovey couples devotional” seems a little premature.

My question is, what kind of study can we do that isn’t covered in “mushy sauce,” but will give us insight as to whether we would be right for each other and help us grow individually as well as together?

P.S. I was totally throwing out Love and Respect on our first date, and it was well received! L&R just makes sense, and it’s a life-changing perspective when you get it. Thank you for bringing the message to our generation.

Photo Credit: Nate Grubbs

My Response

[Side Note Before I Begin] I know there are lots of married people separated by work and travel, and these ideas are applicable for them, too. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you stop intentionally getting to know each other!

***

Love your question and I agree—too much mushy sauce would make anyone feel like they are drowning in a lake of Alfredo.*

However, I think you are wise to create space for more than:

Bill: “What did you eat?”

Nancy: “I ate cheese.”

Bill: “What show did you watch?”

Nancy: “I watched Parenthood. It made me want to get married. Wait! Sorry! I didn’t mean to say that. Too much too soon. Ahh!! Strike from the vulnerable record! Let’s go back to talking about cheese.”

I think wanting to do devotions together is honorable—you want to learn about their faith—but sometimes when we are so intentional to do a faith-based thing, we can start to compartmentalize our beliefs to that one activity.

It’s important to remember that we can learn about someone’s faith by simply watching their life unfold.

Here are some ideas to try that I think wisely and intentionally keep you away from a boring routine while maintaining balance:

—  Share articles or websites on topics you find interesting. See how they engage you and also take interest.

—  Send your significant other a CD of your favorite tunes and discuss the lyrics or why you love the band’s sound.

— Read non-mushy-sauce books on theology or books of the Bible and discuss/come up with questions for each other. Always grade on a curve.

—  Read non-Bible books and do the same as above.

— Learn to ask questions about their family, childhood, dreams, etc., that are less lame than, “What did you eat?” (Although, if you’re like me, getting amped up about food might actually be a passion in life).

When you’re ready for something more marriage-focused, you’ll know.

And if you aren’t ready to dive into that stuff together, you know I’m a huge advocate of prepping independently.  Like I always say, “A surgeon doesn’t pick up the scalpel without going to med school first!”

(Yes, I just put myself in quotes.)

Anyway, the fact that your new love interest is interested in the topic of Love and Respect gives me the impression that they are a person who is intentional and also really, really good looking.**

But, since it feels like you are both very intentional people who have weighed the pros and cons of diving into this relationship, you are probably also very intense people who desire to “get it right” in all areas of your lives.

If this is true, my caution is to make sure you are getting to know each other organically rather than trying to follow a formula.

If you are believers, you can trust when Scripture says you have the Spirit of Christ within you—therefore, you will have the ability to navigate this with wisdom and discernment.

I have confidence that as you grow to know each other, you will know if you want your lives to grow together. And then you can let the mushy couples devotionals pour their lovely sauce all over you two.

You will never enjoy a plate of Alfredo pasta again. I’m sorry.

From my heart,

Joy

P.S. Oh, and here’s a little devotional for you married folks that my pops wrote. Check it out HERE.

P.S.S. And here is an old post I wrote on long distance dating. It will probably leave you more confused. Check it out HERE.