About two years ago, I posted some thoughts on the timeless C.S. “Jack” Lewis and his words regarding love and marriage.
I loved the insight and discussion that ensued, and I want to get that going again, so I decided to repost this little gem.
I’m sure many of you have attended weddings or have even gotten married this summer. With that on the brain, pretend you are sitting down for a cup of tea (and possibly a smoke) across from ole’ Jack himself as he pontificates about relationships.
Photo Credit: Nate Grubbs
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With my recent trip to Oxford, I have had C.S. Lewis on the brain. I want to continue the conversation inspired by his writings in Mere Christianity, and would love to hear your take on “the thrill.”
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one.
In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last.
The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means.
In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest.
What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go — let it die away — go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow — and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time.
But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life.
It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.
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Lewis, in my opinion, nails it again with his assessment of human nature. I often say we are a culture that is increasingly dissatisfied due to all our technological mediums showing us the perfect lives of everyone else.
But maybe it isn’t just our generation.
As Christians we know we aren’t promised a perfect life—we are called to persevere, give thanks, and have hope in the midst of trials. Why then, with love, do many of us long for or expect perfection?
Sometimes I wonder if what Lewis saw in married people is similar to the characteristics I see among myself and many of my single peers.
If “thrill” or a “feeling” is a gauge of quality and if independence is prized, choosing a life-long commitment can seem daunting and something out of our control. I wonder if that can cause some of us to subconsciously cling to the safety of our independence…even many of us who say we desire to be be in relationship.
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Do you agree with C.S. Lewis’ idea of “the thrill”? Why or why not?
What can we do to move away from our cultural reputation as an unsatisfied society?
Can you alter your appetite to have a taste for the “non-thrills?” Should you?
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Giving up our independence is hard. I have been a single mother for most of my adult life. I was with my first husband for about 6 years, my second husband for about 1 year. My second marriage was doomed when it started because I was not ready to give up my control. Now that I see that I am not sure if I have it in me to be a Godly wife. I guess that is something I need to pray and work on.
I love this! Getting married at 33, I definitely struggled to let go of the safety of my independence, (it was all I knew after all!) and found myself almost overly concerned as the thrill lessened, not realizing that it always does. But it has been great to see that as the thrill has changed, our intimacy has been growing, because we are continuing to learn about each other, and ourselves…growing, becoming. It’s such a fascinating process, and one that would certainly be hindered if I held onto the thought only the thrill you feel at the start was the mark of a right relationship!
I do agree with Lewis. So often, and in every area, we find ourselves discontented with our lives and I think it’s because we don’t embrace the everyday blessings. We take so much for granted, like our health, family, even independence, that we don’t wonder at anything anymore. We’re so zoned in to our electronics (because that’s what continues to give us the thrill we’re always wanting) that we miss the real and personal things happening right beside us.
What can we do to move away from our cultural reputation as an unsatisfied society? For one, seek first the Kingdom of God. Christ is the only true fulfillment. We need to learn to give thanks in all things – including trials – and find joy in the simple things. Our generation has been raised with the idea that more is better and to be someone in this world you have to do and have and do more and have more. But there’s no fulfillment in 9 to 5 jobs and keeping up with the Jones’ and buying the latest car, phone, etc. A simple life, with God, is a happy life and it’s beautiful.
Can you alter your appetite to have a taste for the “non-thrills?” Should you?
If you can you should! 🙂 I think it’s a hard road and one less traveled, but the rewards would be abundant if we can get our taste back for the little things. People used to eating junk food are definitely able to develop a taste for healthy food, so I think it would be a very similar concept. You have to be aware of it first, give it a try, educate yourself, and keep trying it. If you know it’s good for you, you’ll eventually learn to like it.
Thanks for sharing this, Joy. Definitely something I need to work on.
I love his thought from (I think) The Four Loves where he says that if we stayed in that “in love” high forever no one would ever get anything done because they would be too distracted and excited all the time!
That’s actually from ‘Mere Christianity’ as well, but it’s a good point!
I think many people would agree that our culture is a culture of thrills, we go from thrill to thrill and it is the thrills are what we live for. Society says if we don’t have the latest car, clothes, or a significant other then we are missing out on life and can’t possibly be happy. I think what C.S. Lewis is alluding to is that the ultimate “thrill” is our relationship with Christ, and He is the only “thrill” that will last forever. So, to move away from our culture of an unsatisfied society, we need to remember that Christ is our ultimate need and everything else is second place. If we are not content with singleness then we won’t be content with marriage either. For example, for part of my deployment to Afghanistan, I complained about where God had me. When I returned home and went on vacation, I realized I had the same complaining attitude! By God’s grace I realize I can be content no matter what the circumstances if I seek Him first.
I don’t think it’s so much altering our diet to have a taste for the “non-thrills”. It’s not so much that we can’t handle the non-thrills, like they are indigestible, but that we don’t prefer them over the thrills. But I don’t think that’s necessarily a sin. Emotions serve a purpose. They tell us how we feel about something. We can’t always let them be our guide, but neither can we let strict reason. I think the reaction when faced with ideas like this is to swing the pendulum as far the other way in over-correction. It’s very easy to look down on emotion, especially emotional highs, and see them as inferior concepts, but they are just as much a part of us as logic and reason. Lewis said that the mistake is take any one impulse and set it up as the end-all of judgment. This is as true for feelings as intellect. We are meant to be whole, balanced individuals. That means that we can’t pursue “highs” at all costs, but it also means we get to enjoy them when they do come along. Bliss serves as much purpose as reason; though their purposes are different. It’s not about preferring the normal over the extraordinary, but recognizing their individual functions. Eat your broccoli but savor your dessert.
Also, C.S. Lewis, FTW!
Yes – so good. The pendulum swing is what causes us to be reactionary and not wise. Appreciate you adding this to the discussion, Douglas!
Do you agree with C.S. Lewis’ idea of “the thrill”? Why or why not?
I agree with C.S. Lewis’ idea of the thrill. As a society we crave the new and exciting to keep our feeling good emotions higher than our feeling bad emotions. We are a society of me, me, me, pleasure and comfort.
What can we do to move away from our cultural reputation as an unsatisfied society?
We can trust that God will provide all we need and learn to be satisfied with what He provides. We can take joy in the simple things as it is amazing to see what exactly God has done in our lives if we just open our eyes.
Can you alter your appetite to have a taste for the “non-thrills?” Should you?
I can alter my appetite for non-thrills by seeing and having patience to see what God is doing with my life.
Sarah L thinks...
I absolutely agree. I had no idea going into a relationship that your statement that we ‘subconsciously cling to the safety of our independence…even many of us who say we desire to be be in relationship’ would be so true. I believed I really wanted a relationship, and I do still want it, but giving up the life of independence (and no small measure of selfishness, if I’m being completely honest) I have known for my first 25 years of life is much harder, especially as I feel the thrill of the relationship changing. I found myself wondering if the relationship was right if I no longer felt that thrill, but rather think it’s just changing, as am I, and giving up my independence to the Lord and to another person is really quite necessary for me.
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