Welcome to 2014!

14 is my favorite number so I’m thinking there’s gonna be a lot of…I don’t know what, but I’m just happy about 14 representing.

To kick things off, I’m going to do a type of post I’ve never done before. Usually in the Ask Joy format I only respond one time, but with this dude the conversation continued on a little longer—and I’m glad it did!  Not only did my opinion go from “This guy is arrogant” to “This guy is really humble and teachable,” but he also gave me some personal insight into why some of the guys I’ve done backflips and cheer routines for have felt like they “couldn’t be enough…” for me and then never called again.

(Picture me turning my head off to the distant mountains as a single tear rolls down my cheek.)

Now, read on…

Photo Credit: Ian Pratt

Hey Joy,

1. Do people in Portland like the show Portlandia? I love it.

2. A lot of girls are interested in me…I haven’t intended any of them to like me, they just do. I’m not the most attractive guy in the world, but I am extremely confident. Even my kindergarten teacher told my parents I had a unique “something” about me that everybody wanted to follow. I am driven, I prefer making thoughtful decisions for people rather than always just asking, “What do you want to do?” I have great eye contact with everyone, I am a people person and I just assume I’m friends with everybody. This was not a problem until I was in my mid-20’s and girls wanted a relationship.

In the past I’ve tried things to make myself less attractive (I gather you had similar problems growing up), but it makes me feel so inauthentic and unable to connect to anyone on any level. I went to my Bible for answers and I was surprised to find that the qualities of what God wants from man would actually make him attractive.

So if a woman keeps pursuing me, how can I turn her down graciously?

I’ll admit, after reading this, it does seem ridiculous and a little arrogant.

Thanks,

M

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Hi M,

1. I’ve only seen a few episodes, but it’s pretty spot on!! If you want to know what I’m like when I’m biking through the city, it’s a lot like this:

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

2. First of all, no, I did not have similar problems growing up. I was a “little” girl who practically owned stock in 7-11’s candy aisle and ate hot dogs like carrot sticks. Boys didn’t notice me until I finally got my scoliosis brace off later in high school.

I’m glad you noticed that your email sounded a little arrogant, but I do respect your honesty in asking and in wanting to know what to do to let the wrap-around-the-block line of women down easily. As I read your message, I got excited because I recently answered the same question from a female. I thought, “Oh we can post my answers back to back and give two different perspectives.” However, as I looked at your question more closely, my gut said that before I drew any comparisons, I needed to address the deeper issue I feel is present here.

I could be wrong, but I wonder if you actually like the fact that lots of women want you, and you would rather have the attention of the line around block—that you have to painfully let down one by one—rather than doing the hard work of getting to know one on a deeper level.

It’s always safer to say no, observe people from a distance, and idealize what you think you could have then giving some of these quality women a chance, even if you don’t initially think you want a romantic relationship with them. Is it possible that under all that confidence and having to turn women down, you are actually…scared?

Something to chew on…

Respectfully and a little sarcastically,

Joy

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Joy,

Thanks for the challenging response; you were definitely onto something. Reflecting on the issue I think there is a part of me that liked the attention, and I really tried to not acknowledge that, thinking it was “bad.”

In reality, it is kind of flattering. I should be aware of that and also keep it in check.

If one girl likes me for a particular characteristic, then it’s a confidence booster and I’m cool. But if multiple girls like me for the same characteristic I feel like, “Yeah alright, I’m good at that but I’m not THAT great,” and insecurity evolves. I had not realized that.

Thanks,

M

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M,

Wow—way to be introspective! Your desire to grow and learn is an indicator that you really will strive to treat the women that you end up dating well. I think it’s great for you to know that God did call you to live a certain way—and because of your obedience, you WILL be attractive to women.

But give yourself grace in knowing that they don’t expect you to be perfect.

When that insecurity evolves and you hear voices saying, “You’re not THAT great,” take that as a cue to be open and humble about your shortcomings—but don’t let it shut you down from dating out of the fear that you’ll fall off the pedestal women may have you on. If you don’t give yourself grace to not be perfect, you won’t give a woman grace in her imperfections either.

In my own desire to hear that my shortcomings are ok, I’ve tended to go overboard with some guys in telling them how great they are. In reading your email, I realize it might have freaked them out in the same way you have when girls compliment you. So there’s a fine balance of building each other up without making the other person feel like we think they are something they are not.

So thank YOU for that insight for me.

My final advice to you is to practice not keeping women at arms length.  Let someone into your world a little bit, and be open to the idea of being known and knowing someone. If you want to marry someday, you’ll have to let people see your shortcomings—it takes the strength of a man to welcome a woman into his open arms instead of letting all women think he’s confident from afar.

You got this*,

Joy

*No, really you do. Don’t freak out.

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Want to hear all Joy’s secrets about letting a guy down? Check it out HERE.