Hi Joy,
My husband and I have been married for three years and love each other very much, but it really bothers me when people talk up the honeymoon stage. I feel like our marriage has been difficult ever since day one and not only is the honeymoon stage over, it never really began. We feel like we got gypped.
Is this normal?
—Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I’ve brought in some (animal) friends to tell you something very important— you are not alone in feeling this way.
I’ve heard on both ends where some couples say the first few years of marriage are incredibly difficult, and others say it has been bliss!
The thing to remember is that every relationship is unique.
And though you may experience difficult seasons, that doesn’t mean you have made a wrong choice in your marriage.
You’ve made a lifelong commitment to each other— you’ll be able to look back after this time passes and see the highs and lows you went through…together. Obviously from this email I don’t get the sense that either one of you have violated your commitment or are in harms way. With that, I would challenge you to commit to six months or a year of shifting your perspective of not talking about a separation or divorce, and instead replace that thinking with “We will be together forever.”
Together forever…just like me and my kitchen table friends.
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Yes Michaeleen! And your observation of this will probably lead you to ASK newlyweds about their marriage as oppose to telling them what it should/shouldn’t be like. Thanks for sharing!
preach! I had a mail delivery man at my old job who would ask my how being married was. I would him I loved it and he would respond with, oh just wait! It only gets worse. So much love.
My (2nd) husband and I just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. My first marriage was difficult because I chose to ignore the HUGE red flags God placed in my life and marry a young man I thought I couldn’t live without. Um, yeah. But, when the marriage ended, I put my “big girl panties on” and owned up to my part in this dysfunctional relationship and took some quality time to fall deeply in love with Jesus. When I met The REAL Mr. Right, we sought diligently to make sure it was God’s will for us to marry. This time, I fell madly in love with a man that loves Jesus more than he does me. He’s a wonderful man and God has blessed us with a wonderful life – for which I couldn’t be more grateful. HOWEVER, even though our marriage was God-ordained and we love each other dearly, it has been anything but easy! We lovingly refer to our actual honeymoon as The Honeymoon From Hell – which we can laugh about now! Our first year of marriage was difficult, and we’ve hit rough patches all along the way. In all of that, though, we have never felt as though our marriage was a mistake, or that we should call it quits. We just kept focused on the fact that God had brought us together, and we needed to honor that commitment, even when we didn’t “feel” like it. The United States is notorious for telling people that marriage is all about being madly in love with someone, and when that love wanes – as it does in all relationships – then you need to go get your no-fault divorce, or person who can make you happy and feel that “in love” feeling again. Marriage is about so much more than just L-O-V-E. I encourage you to take Joy’s advice and read her dad’s book. I also encourage any couple struggling in their relationship to see Christian counsel before any major decisions are made. Above all, don’t give up on your marriage, unless God releases you from the relationship. Trust Him to do great things in your life, and in the life of your spouse! 🙂
Thanks for affirming this listener with your story Doris – I admire that you took ownership for your “ish” as it’s always so much easier to blame someone else than to look at ourselves.
My husband and I were virgins when we first married. The night of our wedding we were thrilled and eager to have sex for the first time. When we attempted, it didn’t work. We figured we were exhausted and tried again the next day. It didn’t work then either. We had no idea how this would set the stage for the future of our marriage. I found out I had a condition called Vaginismus – which essentially kept us from being able to have sex. This devastated us both and caused extreme tension between us – on a daily basis. I tried to fix my condition through counseling. It didn’t help. Each day the sexual frustration mounted between us – I felt like I wasn’t giving to my husband and he felt majorly gypped. This frustration then spilled into other areas of our lives and I found myself crying many nights in the bathroom, alone. I finally sought a physical therapist to train me how to physically trust my husband. After 1 1/2 years of not be able to consummate our marriage, we finally did! But although we could, it was still a major struggle each time. This, along with other hardship events in the first 4 years of our marriage caused a great strain on our relationship. We have now been married 7 1/2 years and I feel like we are just beginning to experience joy – both in our relationship and in our sex life. A very large part of this is because we are changing our language – how we communicate to each other and how we communicate to OTHERS about our relationship. We no longer speak of it with negativity. We instead speak of the good things that are happening in our marriage, in our sex life and in our lives in general. I once heard that the things we focus on grow larger in our lives. I have experienced this firsthand. Joy, thank you for your thoughts on this. It is helpful for me to hear that others have struggled in their first few years of marriage. My husband and I often felt like we were the only ones. It is encouraging to hear that we are not alone.
Alana – What a journey! I think often times there ARE so many real physical obstacles that people don’t understand and somehow feel like they are being punished or they are broken in some way. I wish there had been people there to help you through what was going on sooner, but I’m grateful that you seem to be brining these realities to the attention of others who may not be aware. You and your husbands responses are impressive and you will make many others feel less alone!
Michaeleen thinks...
I love this post! I’ve been married almost a year and a half and I would get so frustrated with people telling me about the “honeymoon” phase. Our first year of marriage was fun and very natural, but when I would mention that to others they would tell me we were in our honeymoon phase, which just made me feel like our happiness was invalid. I tell people we’re still not sick of each other and their reaction is always, “oh just wait.”
I agree with your statement that every relationship is UNIQUE. And I think that’s an important thing to remember. Just because couples that we know struggled doesn’t mean we would struggle in the same ways, and vice versa I think it’s important to set your own expectations in your marriage based on each other and not on what other people influence you to believe.
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