Hi Joy,
More than anything, I want to have authentic relationships with my friends—I want us to see us challenge each other to become better men. I’ve watched enough of my friends sit in the same state of not wanting to change. So, how can I speak man-to-man to challenge these guys who seem slightly apathetic?
—Chris
Hi Chris,
Well, since you’re a dude, I thought I’d bring in a dude to help answer your question. That’s right, Papa E is in the hizzz-ouse! (Do people even say that anymore? Did they ever?)
We hear your heart about wanting to have intentional, challenging conversations with your friends, especially if they seem to be struggling. Authenticity is so valuable in relationship, and one of the only ways we can grow together. Truth be told, I was a little harsh in this video because I had the privilege of reading your whole email, and at first you came off as a little pious and judgmental—but as I’ve thought about it, I really admire and respect you for caring enough to want to challenge your friends.
Forgive me?
But to answer your question…
Ask them questions before you challenge them. Seek to understand what they are going through, empathetic to the fact that you may not struggle in those areas yourself.
And the thing is, they might not want to tell you. If you sense they don’t want to be challenged or they’re sitting on issues they aren’t ready to deal with, unfortunately you may need to prayerfully consider changing your friends.
But before you unfriend and delete them from your phone, take a step back and check your ‘tude, dude. Because keep in mind, there’s a difference between challenging your friends and shaming them.
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Thanks Linds! Yeah I think I am so guilty of shaming in my effort to challenge too. I always want people to challenge me so I take it upon myself to challenge everyone else. I also remember my counselor saying, if you start talking to guys on a first date like you are their mother, they might appreciate you for that kind of advice, but it’s gonna be pretty hard for them to have romantic feelings for their mom. hahaha. That’s always been a nice visual. Helps me think of the way I am approaching people and the depth of relationship I have with them to be able to say what/when.
Thanks for sharing! Your comment triggered more thoughts for me, obviously!
Well, having re-read my comment, I meant “Keep it UP L&R team!”… Oh geez…
Anyway, do we have the same counselor? because mine said the same thing to me! 😉 Because I work with all dudes, it’s easy to be all business all the time, but some people (i.e. dates, friends, siblings, parents) don’t like that approach. So, finding balance in the communication area is my biggest challenge! And yeah, the visual of a guy sitting across from me at a table as I’ve very nicely offered how to fix the problem (wow, role reversal) and him just smiling like “isn’t that my job? and did I accept a date with my mom?” has definitely been in my mind! HA!
Linds Davis thinks...
I love these answers. I understand wanting to challenge friends, but when challenging, it can come off like a “Hey, you. Get on MY LEVEL!” type thing. I think communication is one of the key factors that our generation has gotten lazy about. We do everything in a text or email. We don’t call or even try to sit down and talk things out. If we want and desire authentic relationships, it means putting down the phone and actually getting it out of arms length to focus and talk. If you can’t tell, I’m all about the personal connection! Challenging vs. Shaming is what really made me think. What I may think is a challenge, if presented wrong, has potential to hurt and bring shame. So simplistic, yet something that happens probably more than we even know. Love this. Keep it Love and Respect team! 🙂
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