“Do I even have time to date?”
– Joy (In my head)
Joy, Crazy, Darling,
“Do you think married people have all the time in the world?”
I was falling asleep when that simple truth hit me.
I did a perimeter search with my arms until they found my phone to type that illumination moment, so I wouldn’t forget to write this article. (Most of the things I type in the middle of the night do NOT end up being post-worthy…)
Photo Credit: Sydney Macnaughton
I don’t exactly remember, but I think my phone was found either on the nightstand with my left arm, or with my right arm under the pillow…where I want a husband’s head to sleep. Until then, his area is occupied by sleeping masks and about ten different books and magazines that make me feel guilty as they lay unread. (I’m sorry, but if a QuizUp challenge pops up on my phone, reading materials get a “not tonight” look).
Awhile ago, The Illumination Project was consuming my life and I had just begun writing my book (which by the way is on hold for a second—but stay tuned).
I was hanging out with my friend Stephanie and venting about all that I was taking on and “I’m so busy and important blah, blah, blah.” I ended the rant with, “I just don’t have time to date.”
“There will never be a good time to date,” she said.
Steph was right. I realized, from an unromantic business-type perspective, that if I had an end goal of a family and a husband, the least strategic move I could make would be to bury my head in work and not create a margin for men.
So, naturally, I decided I would go out with ANYONE…
…and their brother, and that brother’s roommate, and his co-worker’s cousin, and that cousin’s neighbor, who was a chemistry professor that had just blown his hand off in an after-school lab experiment.*
The above paragraph didn’t actually happen, but I did try to remain with an open posture to what the Lord might present me with. Who do my parents and friends know? Can I say “yes” to that one thing that might have human beings attending, instead of crawling into bed and playing QuizUp with my online friends?
Scripture says, “make your requests known,” but it doesn’t follow that up with, “and I will honor you for remaining fearful, close-minded and at the office until midnight.”
I know, for many people, career is the thing we dive into because it has a measurable standard for success.
On the other hand, humans are less predictable and can hurt us, leave us and make us feel out of control. Yet, I believe they have the potential to hold us to a higher standard and help us live with a purpose that we might remember more than a paycheck.
I wonder if married people in our generation are divorcing sooner because of this very reason. Career has become supreme. Not only do single people not have time for a relationship, but married people aren’t making much time for their relationships either.
“Researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten-thousand hours.” —Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers: The Story of Success
My gut says if all of us were surveyed, we would say that relationships are more important than work—but would our billable hours reflect that?
I’m not saying we should quit our craft, calling or the monotonous 9-5 job that supports our family and keeps us out of debt. But if long hours at the office are because it’s the area we feel in control of, and relationships make us feel out of control, that’s something to notice.
Married or single, you and I both CAN reallocate some of our 10,000 hours and work towards a true partnership.
Clocking-out to become an expert,
Joy
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I ask people to set me up, I’ve tried online dating, and as I said in the post: “Who do my parents and friends know? Can I say “yes” to that one thing that might have human beings attending…”
It can be exhausting and discouraging at times, but staying in my apartment every night won’t really be that beneficial either…
Oh, and craigslist.
I can relate to this, to a point. I was a truck driver for many years. When I first started in the industry, I would be gone from home between five weeks to three months at a time. It’s not a job that is good for a social life. For me, it wasn’t a big deal because I didn’t have or want a social life due to other circumstances (which are in the process of being resolved).
It always dumbfounded me that truck drivers could be in successful relationships. I would talk to guys that had been married for 30+ years. They said it was all about communication. Before cell phones, they would find a pay phone every day and talk with their wives. Now they are on the phone with them consistently. They would try to find loads that would enable them to swing by the house once or twice a week so they could eat lunch or dinner with their families. They made it work. The wife also had to make it work. I had a landlord whose husband was a trucker. She stayed home and raised the kids while he would work five weeks at a time. She told me it was about communication, understanding, and discipline. The difficulty was for the children who viewed their dads more as a visitor than a parent.
It is a challenge to balance both a career and a relationship. Many of us guys still view ourselves as the providers. When we get married and have children, it is easy to work a lot of overtime or weekends to make sure our families have what they want. However, I have observed that many of those families would rather have their dad at home and have less material items than having him work so much.
Another challenge is for introverts like me. When I get done with a week at work, the last thing I want to do is go out. I would rather lose myself in books or work in the yard than go out and talk to strangers.
Nathan – you are very insightful and self aware. I think this is the kind of thing that benefits marriages so much. When someone can discuss these kinds of things openly with a spouse, that’s where solutions and compromises can be made and a strong team between husband and wife, father and mother is built! Yea!
Oh my goodness yes. To all of this. I relate to the idea of working a ton as a single person, because I did exactly that. It’s almost too easy to fall into that! I definitely thought that it would all be easier when I was married and got to come home to someone who wants to see me every night. We would of course have all the time in the world! I was wrong! I have been married for over a year and have just recently started my dream job. My husband is a full-time student and works part-time on top of that, and while we have been able to create space in our schedules to see each other, just seeing someone or having a “how was your day” conversation is not the same thing as investing in a relationship, growing it, and caring for it. Dating well takes a good chunk of what I call “intentional” time, but so does marriage, and that is always hard to come by. We have to make choices all along the way, to make space for all the right people.
Your last line is powerful. Thank you for sharing!
Wait– what’s this about the book being on hold? (Glad you’re actively looking for more work/life balance!)
Haha…. I can tell you over the phone. It’s all good, I’m just not with my publisher anymore.
Thanks for sharing .I loved reading this . It brought up some great questions to reflect on !
Thanks Shannon! Let me know if you have any insights you stumble upon.
Absolutely love this post. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share it.
I must tell you I see this all the time. Young adults who want to be married, but who are already married to their career, their plans, their passions. All the time. But they can’t seem to see the trap like you have. Will be sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
Thanks for the kind words and sharing Michael!
*Dad joke…
SOMETIMES I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF.
Love it, Joy. Thank you for another great post. I just love the way you write. I can just HEAR you saying these exact words, along with the funny sarcastic humor of course. lol I just love it. Thank you for making reading “a Joy”….get it? get it? HUH?! lol
Haha! Yes. Got it and love it. Dad humor to the max.
My picture didn’t show up in the last comment….will it show up in THIS comment? I do not know, let’s see…THIS time I entered my twitter url…*anxiously heading toward the submit button*
hmmmmmm, my picture didn’t come up on THIS comment either. Waaaaaaaaaaa, how do I get this thing to work?! I hate being a white head. Eewwwwwwww. lol
Love this. Thank you, Joy.
You’re welcome! And thank you.
“On the other hand, humans are less predictable and can hurt us, leave us and make us feel out of control. Yet, I believe they have the potential to hold us to a higher standard and help us live with a purpose that we might remember more than a paycheck.” This is good, hard stuff, Joy. Your words continue to be refreshing right where I’m at. Thank you…
Thank you Julie! I need them too.
I think that a career is something to easily throw myself into. When I am dating someone, I would certainly rather be with him than focusing all my attention on my career, but in the periods when I’m not dating someone, my job does end up receiving the majority of my attention. For me its not an either/or, it’s a “well in the meantime…I’ll focus on my career”. I’m sure there are people who prioritize career over a relationship, but I’m certainly not one.
In the meantime, I am certainly not going to sit around and put my life on hold by NOT pursuing a career while waiting for a guy to come rescue me. I see a lot of ladies who chose to go that route, and I think it’s just as sad as the people who are all career, no relationships.
You will love this post Sarah! https://loveandrespectnow.com/2014/03/your-life-begins-today-not-at-the-altar-katelyn-beaty-illumination-guest/
This post is very entertaining. I think that most of us are successful in just either a relationship or career, Well at least the people that I know are including myself. I’ve never been in a situation where I’m both happy with my career and relationship at the same time, Whenever I’m thriving in my career my current relationship goes rocky and vice versa . I’m starting to believe that having a happy relationship and a successful career is a myth but maybe I’m just doing something wrong, anyway I’m gonna keep trying until I get it.
Nicole thinks...
This post is so true. But my question is…WHERE do you find these men to start dating??
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