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I wanted to tell you something.
If you have been part of the Love and Respect Now community for a while, you might remember a little over a year ago when I announced I was getting married. Then I said I was kidding, and told you I was having a baby. After making you adequately annoyed by my endless string of lies, I told you I had just signed a book contract, and then proceeded to dance around my cemetery to Disney tunes like a fool.
Oh you don’t remember? Watch HERE at your own risk.
About six months later, after I had written most of the book, NY Times best-selling author (of one of my favorite books, Bonhoeffer), Eric Metaxas, stopped by my office. My friend, Stephanie, interviewed us about being a first time vs. veteran author. Originally that video was only for our newsletter peeps, but rules schmoolz, I made it public.
About a month after that on Valentine’s Day (the due date for my manuscript), I announced the title and book cover. You can read about that and see an amazingly awkward childhood photo of yours truly HERE.
There has been a lot of plotting and planning for this book, and I have poured so much of myself into writing and praying about it over the last couple of years.
But as the due date got closer, I started feeling unrest and a lack of resolve about the whole project. “Resolve” is how I describe the feeling I get as I am preparing for a talk–when I get to the moment that I know it’s finished and ready to go. Nerves about getting on stage still remain, but there is a peace and freedom I feel before the Lord to move forward and speak.
Except this was the exact opposite.Photo Credit: Ian Pratt
Through the process of seeking wise counsel from my parents and others who sensed the unrest I was experiencing, I made the choice to not move forward on publishing. It wasn’t easy saying “no” and walking away from the book I had poured so much of my myself into. But the moment I did, I felt free.
I wasn’t going to say anything to y’all, because frankly I didn’t think anyone would notice. But some of you have (and that means a lot) and some of my friends have challenged me to be “vulnerable” about how I’m feeling.
Ohhhhh, Brené Brown.
Sometimes I feel like people are going to think I’m a failure, or that I couldn’t hack meeting a deadline or producing something worth publishing. Then I pause and remember the wise words others have told me (probably more than once),
“Joy, people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.”
“Owwwwwwww….owww, owww, owwwwwww.”
Permanent Vertigo was supposed to be released on August 1, 2014. It was bizarre seeing that date slowly creep up on the calendar and then pass by with no book. But I do feel a sense of peace and am excited because I think there will come a day when I can share my bizarre childhood-and-beyond stories and reflections with the world.
When that is, I don’t know.
I am so grateful for everything that has been typed, edited, re-worked and re-thought for my own personal growth and reflection. I continue to pray about how it will all unfold, and how I can hold loosely and wisely steward all that I write or speak out loud. Vulnerability is good, but I also believe there is wisdom in restraint. As I sort through what to share and what not to share about my life, I would love if you would pray for me, too.
I trust the “when” of this project will find its resolve, but it will most likely be as I wait.
From my heart,
P.S. If you pre-ordered Permanent Vertigo on Amazon, first, THANK YOU for your pre-support. Means the world to me. Second, since you don’t pay for pre-orders until the product is shipped, you should not see any Amazon charges to your account. If you do though, get in touch with them and they’ll know what to do.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.