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by Stephanie Dost
As a young woman, I find that love is something that comes naturally to me. Check. Respect, on the other hand, is something I have to work on. Lucky for me, I work with mostly middle-aged men and have a close relationship with my dad, so I get to practice all the time.
Recently, I decided to read a book by Shaunti Feldhahn called “The Male Factor: The Unwritten Rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace.” It was recommended to me by Diane Paddison, a successful businesswoman and personal mentor.
When I read the title, I thought, secrets? Who doesn’t like to know secrets? My interest was piqued.
I think both men and women should read this book. And here’s why:
Ladies, before you think, “I’m in college,” or “I’m not in a career and don’t work,” or “I work with mostly women,” and, therefore, this isn’t applicable to you, let me reassure you, it is. If not today, someday you’ll either be working with men or you’ll have some sort of relationship with a man, and that man (if he’s responsible) will try to work.
Wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on inside his head?
Guys, you might enjoy reading it too, simply because it’s analyzing you. It’s almost like hearing a friend describe you to a stranger at a party—and let’s be honest, who doesn’t indulge in a little eavesdropping when given the chance? And if you don’t agree with Feldhahn (and the thousands of men whom she interviewed for her book), it’s even more fodder for discussion.
Guess what the main theme of what most men desire in the workplace is? Respect!
Feldhahn explains: “In my book, “For Women Only,” three out of four men on the survey I conducted about their personal relationships said that if they had to make a choice they would give up feeling loved if it was what it took to feel respected and adequate.” Pretty telling, isn’t it? Throughout the book, Feldhahn zeros in on what respect looks like to men as well as a host of other male rules for the workplace.
To be honest, it wasn’t all new to me because of the many years I’ve spent with mostly guys in the classroom in college (I’m an engineer) and my years in corporate America, working with men every day. I still learned invaluable information I’d never heard before and now take into consideration when interacting with my male coworkers. I’ve seen great examples of respect in the workplace and significant disrespect. The latter is always awkward and uncomfortable to witness. Always.
There are two versions of this book: one for a secular audience and the other, with extra tips and advice for Christian women on how to navigate relationships with men. The extended edition also has an extra chapter on advice from women who’ve been in the workplace for years and offer important insight. (Recently re-titled: For Women Only in the Workplace)
Is life a bed of roses once you read the book? No. Feldhahn doesn’t promise that knowing men’s expectations fixes things or that their “rules” are right, but she does stress that it’s good to know what perceptions exist and how they could be affecting you. Some of these “rules” are hard to hear, but I figure it’s better to know and possibly help change them than to be ignorant and operate under false pretenses.
I highly recommend the book.
Men: As a male, what is something that you would want your female coworkers to know about you?
Women: As a female, what is something that you would want your male coworkers to know about you?
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Stephanie lives in Portland, Oregon, but likes to get crazy and cross the border on her bike. To see how Stephanie and I met and ended up outside of Oregon in the basement of a Pizza place in spandex…click HERE.
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
I’m so glad you shared this practical example Erin! I know my father, Shaunti and myself would ALL agree that women want respect too. I was actually just thinking about this a half hour ago so when I got back to my computer, I was thrilled to see your story. We live in a generation of women whose cry is, “Show us respect!!!” And that is valid and needed. So it seems wise and logical for me that we should show it in return even if respect or disrespect looks different to each individual. Being mature means you aren’t afraid to figure out the deeper need of someone else. And I believe using this type of “language” makes sense to a man – just like your story. ANYONE can say exactly what they need, it’s just far more effective when it’s done in a respectful way. And when that is done, I believe we as women have the reputation of a strong honorable woman who men will take seriously. Keep the stories coming!
Thank you so much for specifically encouraging men to check this book out, Stephanie. Men should read it! As you said, it’s about us. And believe it or not, it might just teach us something about ourselves, or at least help us articulate what it is that we are looking for in our work environments. [Full disclosure: I haven’t read the book…yet. But, I have read “For Women Only” – I know, sometimes I struggle to follow directions – and found it to be an honest assessment of men in general, and me specifically.] I’m sure that some men may disagree with Feldhahn’s conclusions. However, if most men are honest with themselves, they will likely concur with what the research reveals.
In answer to your question, I want the women I work with (I’m the only man on my staff) to know that one of the most significant things they can do is to solicit my contribution, listen to my suggestions, or consider my perspective. I don’t need to be right, nor do I need to get my way. What I want is to feel heard. Because it is when I feel heard that I feel their respect. Fortunately for me, the women in my office seem to understand this truth. Perhaps they already read this book.
Robby – I love hearing your story. Thank you for sharing your insight from a male perspective and showing what power women have when they take the time to notice your needs. I’m sure the working environment you work in shows mutual respect and to me that is a company that is going to make progress!
I’m looking forward to reading the book. God has had me on this topic for about a year and I’ve read some interesting stuff.
I work with all women and have always worked with all women and I would want them to understand that I’m not a woman and I don’t want to be treated like I’m a woman. I have found is the case a lot of times in both work and social settings when I’m the only guy present.
I work in a secular setting and it seems that relationships with differences are viewed as adversarial at their core. I’m learning that God created differences for complimentary relationships regardless of the type of relationship. We make a better body when we compliment each other.
A similar conversation is happening on a similar topic on the Facebook page: Join in! http://www.facebook.com/loveandrespectnow/posts/160763407356350
Erin thinks...
Men like respect, but we do too. I taught high school English for four years, and I had a situation where a male teacher was consistently sending his students late to their next class (mine). Through e-mails and the students themselves, I gave him the message that the students needed to be on time for my class. It didn’t stop. Finally, I went directly to the source even though I was intimidated. This teacher was known for being “traditional” and seemed not to hold women teachers in the same light was men teachers, especially a young, woman teacher like me. I told him that, frankly, I was sure that this was not his intention, but that the late arrivals to my class did not feel respectful to myself and my subject. As soon as I mentioned the word ‘respectful’ he was extremely apolgotetic. I think I was using a language he could understand. It worked!
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