Could you share your thoughts on the increasing percentages of women involved in pornography? And by “involved,” I mean watching it.
I am not an expert on this topic, but, as always, I have many personal theories based on what I have researched and studied from those who are experts. I can point you toward some healing discussions and resources based on my assumption that you believe pornography has a negative effect on our culture—for both men and women. If you don’t believe this, you may not want to keep reading.
The growing percentage of women starting to look at pornography is higher than the same statistic for men.
The reason is because the porn industry isn’t stupid. “Old school” porn was basic and had the visual components to do the trick. It was geared toward men, and because most men are more visually stimulated, it worked. Women tend to be more integrated in mind, body, and spirit. It takes women a bit more to be aroused.
Thus begins “erotica.”
Erotica is a newer genre of pornography that is more than just a sex act on screen. It generally has a storyline, character names, plot line, and music.
And this is just the “gateway drug.” I’m sure many are similar to a pretty hard-core romantic film, so they can seem harmless at first—probably what most men thought the first time they looked at a “soft” porn. But our brains are very complex and intricate. The chemicals and neurological patterns that are born eventually say, “I want more of that.”
Many may not think this is heroin, but I believe it’s why many people eventually choose the fantasy on screen to the reality in 3-D. They can control the when, where, and how of the drug. Not to mention this drug can’t emotionally wound them or deny them.
Or so they think…
If you are struggling with this, know that you are not alone. If you know someone who is struggling and you aren’t, don’t shame them.
Believe that you and others have the power to change. That’s how change happens.
It is no surprise to me that Satan is at work to destroy the beautiful bonding act that in its most perfect form is shared between two people within the safe bond of marriage. He would love for single people to believe they don’t need to share it with someone else, and he would love for married people to believe they don’t need one another.
Don’t let him win. And don’t let your brain become addicted to an insatiable cycle of shame and perversion of what can be healthy and whole.
Here are a few resources that can help you make a step today. I believe you can!
For women: Dirty Girls Ministries
For men and women: Pure Desire Ministries (This organization has a deep understanding of the neurological cycles that create addiction and how to break free.)
For men and women: XXX Church
For parents: XXX Church: Parents Blog
Wired for Intimacy: A fantastic look at the brain.
Pornified: Heavy and graphic content, but well done
For women: My friend Lauren just started a series and discussion on this topic that I believe will allow many women to talk through their experiences (without feeling shame) of finding out that their boyfriends are looking at pornography.
For men: Lauren’s husband, Max Dubinsky, has penned several thoughts on the topic.
Ways to confront without shaming.
From my heart,
Joy
What prevents women from discussing this trend and getting help? How can we address those barriers?
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@Meg, I think there can always be pitfalls when we become controlled by something (pornography, masturbation) that is a version of something less than what it could be. i.e. sex with a human being in a safe and covenant relationship.
I’m glad someone is talking about this. Most people think women are free of addictions like this. But women have fallen into the same addiction as many men fall into and it needs to be talked about I believe. Women are not just affected by the “emotional porn,” but by the entire works as well. Thanks for bringing this out in the light, Joy!
@Erin, You are welcome. Thanks for being open and free to discuss it!
“What prevents women from discussing this trend and getting help? How can we address those barriers?”
The same thing that prevents men from discussing these issues and getting help; shame, fear of how other people will react if they find out you struggle with stuff like that, etc.
In the Christian church we are really good at categorizing our sins and setting them at various levels of evil. Sexual sins always seem to be near the top; murder/violence at the very summit, then homosexuality, pornography addiction, adultery and/or general sex outside of marriage followed by all of the “lesser” sins like coveting, jealousy, etc.
Coming from a guy’s perspective, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen otherwise good, God-fearing women harshly condemn men via Twitter or Facebook who struggle with pornography as “slave masters in the sex trade” or “no better than a pimp” or even a “John”.
With that kind of vitriol coming from inside the church, is it any wonder that pornography especially is primarily fought alone without even attempting to seek the assistance of someone from in the church in fear of the condemnation that you’re sure (based on what you’ve seen thus far) is bound to follow?
I’d imagine it has to be even more difficult for women within the bonds of that addiction as the numbers that suffer from it are so much lower percentage-wise then the men and the opportunities for help are so much more scarce.
As far as addressing those barriers…I wish I could say. Overall, I think we’ve failed the men in the church in this regard in whom these kinds of sins are much more prevalent; I have no idea how you would even BEGIN to offer healing to women struggling through the same thing although trying to get the discussion going is at least a start.
Sorry I can’t be more helpful. 🙁
@G Fresh, As I told you via twitter….well said. Thank you!
The biggest barrier may be what others have mentioned: fear, shame, condemnation. We have done a poor job in the church of loving people where they are at and granting grace that allows people to feel free to be real. The solution is getting people, organizations and churches to be willing and vulnerable enough to be real; having someone be willing enough to start this sensitive dialogue. So, thanks for having a willing heart! This topic needs to be discussed!
@Alecia, I agree. And I also think that since more and more churches are moving towards creating safe places to be open about these issues, it’s now also up to people to feel confident enough to honestly and openly discuss them and the effect it may be having on us as individuals and a culture and how to move forward.
saying something is erotica is like calling a victorian house a building. its so vague, i don’t understand what your even talkling about. sorry, but i don’t. a married couple can dance in a fashion that is similar to erotica without sex even taking place. Erotica can also mean a violent unhealthy act… the level of extremities that word has goes from black to white… i wish you would be more detailed with what you’re referring to. Also, if you keep saying the word SHAME over and over that’s not going to exactly help the situation, no offense.. Half the time when i see people who feel Shame I also see people standing next to them who raise their bar to an unnecessary level. They teach them over and over again that certain things are demonic without actually doing research on the things they’re talking about. then, they preach to them their whole life & say if you do or think in an x,y,z manner thats the devil… Obviously if they feel anything even close to that & don’t learn anything different they’ll feel shame.. then you come around and tell them they shouldn’t feel shame.. i see it all the time and am sure glad i wasn’t raised that way. Thank God. I have my own mind and i know what the right limits are for me, whats healthy, and whats not. thats why i don’t feel shame, because i think for myself and i don’t care what others think. its called “not being possessed in a cult like fashion” im sorry but the terminology you use is actually vulgar to me & reminds me of that cult like mentallity.. that’s not what God thinks.. God loves all and doesn’t judge. anyway, I like what you write and i know its rooted in LOVE but im just being honest here..
Also, a way that you can identify whether you are addicted to anything unhealthy is by realizing that: Asking yourself Questions is sometimes alot more therapeutic than asking other people Questions… What i mean is.. If you take a particular action, or activity that you do, ask yourself. Am i doing this because i truly enjoy it, feel comfortable with it, etc… Orrr am i doing it because somewhere along the line, during my life, someone or something coerced me into doing it & or thinking this way… you can find out alot about what you should or shouldn’t be doing by investigating your own mind & your own thoughts and how they originated, how they came to life… you have the power to determine what behavior you want to cease & what you want to continue.. Also, talking about these things in an open forum like this would be helpful because then the folks who are reading may say, “oh, thats nothing to be ashamed of, i do it too or so many other people do it too” etc…. Okay, i’ll start first. Sometimes my fantasies involve a woman seducing me in a manner that results in myself dropping to my knees because i can’t resist the seductive sound of her voice & teasing leg movements. she then orders me to kiss her feet, massage them while referring to her as “yes princess.” meanwhile i was supposed to watch a basketball game but i missed it because of her powerful and seductive methods … So okay, i told my piece….. Now you know im a freak so hopefully that made you feel more comfortable about your freakiness… so now, someone else GO!
@Aldo Notarandrea, While I don’t claim to be an expert, I have done a fair amount of research on the topic and even given a lecture with Dr. Ken Canfield at Pepperdine University on the topic. So while you are always entitled to your take on the topic, I thought it best to make clear that I’m not working solely from an opinion base in my answer.
A couple resources that might be of interest are “Wired for Intimacy” and “Pornified.”
Lastly, Erotica is a genre of adult films that is newer to the scene.
@JOY, I’m not doubting your research, im just saying that. anyone can put a bunch of processed nuggets in a box, label it CHICKEN, & it sure isn’t the same as Chick Fil A, but people will still say that chicken i ate yesterday from the place with the big yellow M was nasty so all chicken must be nasty. or, hey i can’t stand church because i went to this place called Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka & those folks are crazy so all churches must be like that…. Madonna thinks her style of dance or performances is Erotica, and theres poetry, books, and art that goes waaay back that’s considered Erotica. erotica has been around for ages, its just now becoming mainstream… Like country music, in the 70’s and 80’s it was Reba, right… now its mainstream like Taylor Swift… & those two artists sound very different but they still label it as country… now that i realize you’re referring to the newly defined, very distorted, mainstream, definition of Erotica i completely see where you’re coming from. .. It’s just pornography, slightly refined with a story….. and they label it Erotica so now i see where your coming from.. thanks for the clarification. ; )
It is worse than you think. Porn for women isn’t “erotica”…it is Desperate Housewives, Pretty Little Liars, Gossip Girl, GCB, Twilight, Gray’s Anatomy, and all of their spin offs.
Women today spend HOURS watching this stuff and get their titular emotional needs met. When their husbands come to them while they are watching their version of porn, they reject their men. How can a real husband compare to Hollywood’s ideal fling? He can’t.
So the man is left there standing, rejected. With a woman who is emotionally masturbating in front of him – refusing to be a wife to him and take care of their mutual needs together. What does the husband do? Usually he turns to substitutes for the love he seeks – beer and hard core porn. He does not turn to these because he is an uncontrollable animal. He turns to these because he wife has rejected him – repeatedly, and he has no other outlet short of divorce or an affair.
If the wife would stop watching her version of porn, and stop rejecting her husband…he would stop watching his version of porn, and probably stop drinking too.
@Sidd, I appreciate you taking the time to write. However I would encourage you to take a step back and see how your personal experience or opinion may be causing you to make some pretty bold blanket statements. I hope we can all encourage one another to address issues and struggles with grace, not shame.
Wives and husbands may have their own individual struggles, but not all women struggle with the same things and not all men struggle with the same thing. Some can watch Twilight (as I do) with analytical eyes, while others watch and it’s a huge fantasy land setting up unrealistic expectations.
I do agree that pornography in whatever form it comes can at a certain point become a neurological addiction that needs serious medical attention. Again, shaming won’t help the problem.
I think both men and women’s struggles are preyed upon by the world today. It’s always an individuals choice, but your statement of the wife’s actions as the reason a man is choosing to drink and look at hard core porn is a statement I fully disagree with and am saddened by because if this is your personal situation, then you are blaming your wife for your own choices. I believe you are stronger and smarter than that.
We all have to take responsibility for ourselves and the standards that God desires for us to live healthy lives. Matthew 7:5
@JOY, I appreciate your response. What advice can you give to a man who has spent seven years being rejected by his wife? A man who has tried everything to save his marriage, but the wife won’t budge. A man who has supported his wife in every way possible to help her reach her dreams, even when it meant putting his own dreams on hold. A man who is universally considered a great provider, a fantastic husband, and a loving husband…but is still sexually rejected by his wife time and again.
When even my own wife says I am everything she could want and more…what can I do when faced with a loveless, passionless, sexless marriage? I want a wife, not a roommate. But since I feel divorce is wrong…all I have left is the liquor…
I feel trapped.
Meg thinks...
I know that I might be opening up a can of worms here, but I have to ask!
Do you also think that this topic has a connection with the rising percentage of women who are also trapped in bondage to masturbation?
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