I just got finished watching your “The One” series. I am currently in a relationship with an amazing man who loves the Lord and who loves me in good times and in bad. His love is so deep it’s almost crazy. I feel like I love him but not to the depth that he loves me. It makes me very anxious. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love enough, but I also don’t want to lose this love. I’m on board some days but others I feel like I need to move away and start over. Any advice?
Cara
Hi, Cara,
Thank you so much for writing and sharing your heart. I am so sorry for the agony you are feeling over this relationship.
As I am sure you know, I can’t tell you if you need to fight for it or move to Timbuktu and open a frozen banana stand, but I would begin by encouraging you to ask yourself a lot of questions:
1. Why do I think he loves me more?
2. Why did I get into this relationship initially?
3. Why do I care about him?
4. What do I fear about being with him?
5. What do I want in a marriage? What is God’s purpose for marriage?
6. Do I have wounds that are affecting how I conduct my relationships in general?
7. What fantasies have I created that might be contributing to dissatisfaction?
8. What do I envision “moving away and starting over” will do for me?
That last statement about moving away and starting over is a bit of a red flag for me. Most people would simply say, “Should we break up?” But your desire to move away and start over leads me to think that you might be drawn to the newness of beginnings and the idealism we can often hold with our imagination, which also relates to question number seven.
I could be completely off-base in my assessment, but it stood out to me, so I thought I should point it out for you to ponder. Based on the answers to your other questions, you might be able to get more in tune with that statement.
Take some time to ponder these questions, Cara, but not necessarily with your boyfriend, as oversharing your doubts may put him in a place of uneasiness.
I’m not saying you should hide your feelings, but, rather, sit on them for a while.
Maybe even go away for a weekend (not to Timbuktu) and be still. Turn off your distractions and really try to get in tune with where you have come from and your expectations for the future. Pray, read Scripture, and, when you get back, discuss any insights you have with people who know you and have wise insight into your relationship. Ask them to pray for you and with you. God will use this situation to help you grow and transform if you let the Spirit take part in your process—which brings peace even in the midst of uncertainty (Romans 5).
Don’t be afraid of the questions or the silence.
At the end of the day, you will make the choice—and that choice will then present itself with another list of questions.
Such is life.
We can either live it by ignoring the questions, or we can live it by asking and looking for answers. We may not always find the most concrete answers, but by asking, we grow.
From my heart,
Joy
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What a great question! My current expectations are that they be a servant at heart and have the heart of a teacher, however, I have recently had a couple drawbacks either due to my “over watching from the distance” and perhaps my own “lack of action.”
I typically will watch from a distance and see where she serves and how she serves. As I am a servant, I will have to have a fellow servant so we can serve together. I am also a huge proponent of discipleship and the teaching/training of both the current and next generation, because if we don’t teach/train them, who is going to train those whom come after them.
I had my eye on a friend for a couple months who went to many of the same events I went to and many of our friends were all in a common circle. We were on a mission’s trip together and I was able to see God’s light totally shine through her and see her love for teaching the youth. While spending some quality one-on-one time with her I found out she was leaving in about a month to help lead a YWAM DTS and would be gone for quite some time. That was painful to an extent, but luckily I was not emotionally attached, and was able move on.
Did that same thing with another friend and she ended up moving overseas for the next couple years…. All the good ones are moving away…. 🙁
I do have to say there has to be some physical attraction or chemistry; not sure how to separate those two, could be a guy thing? There are some wonderful women in the “Singles Group” I do most of my activities with; I am just not attracted to them. Most of them are great godly women, great at serving, teaching, helping and even cooking (big plus). For some reason I am just not attracted to some of them; it is odd to me, but I am not going to try and force myself to love someone. Tried that is the past and was crushed a couple times, not pursuing that route again.
By no means am I saying these women are not attractive; they just aren’t attractive to me. I am wondering why the other Men in our circle of friends aren’t scooping these godly women up.
I love question #7 as I have seen that in many peoples lives; single, married, women and men. Go figure how many of us have fantasies.
I expect that I will feel every emotion that I know from time to time, and that I won’t always know exactly how to respond, but will always want to get better at responding in a healthy way…oh, and I’ll expect that because she’s blue, and 8 feet tall, and is from another planet, that I’ll love her just the same.
Look at the model for biblical marriage, that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Would it be a bad thing to note that Christ loved the church more deeply than the church loved Christ. Isn’t it true that Christ loved us even when we were apart from him, before we knew him?
A more pertinent question you might ask yourself, rather than if you love him enough, is whether or not you respect him enough.
I stumbled upon this while looking for answers about my own relationship, and I just wanted to say thank you.
Jody Rutherford thinks...
Great questions, Joy! Even though I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I always read your posts and really enjoy them. Thanks for your heart for good relationships!
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