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I just got finished watching your “The One” series. I am currently in a relationship with an amazing man who loves the Lord and who loves me in good times and in bad. His love is so deep it’s almost crazy. I feel like I love him but not to the depth that he loves me. It makes me very anxious. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love enough, but I also don’t want to lose this love. I’m on board some days but others I feel like I need to move away and start over. Any advice?
Thank you so much for writing and sharing your heart. I am so sorry for the agony you are feeling over this relationship.
As I am sure you know, I can’t tell you if you need to fight for it or move to Timbuktu and open a frozen banana stand, but I would begin by encouraging you to ask yourself a lot of questions:
1. Why do I think he loves me more?
2. Why did I get into this relationship initially?
3. Why do I care about him?
4. What do I fear about being with him?
5. What do I want in a marriage? What is God’s purpose for marriage?
6. Do I have wounds that are affecting how I conduct my relationships in general?
7. What fantasies have I created that might be contributing to dissatisfaction?
8. What do I envision “moving away and starting over” will do for me?
That last statement about moving away and starting over is a bit of a red flag for me. Most people would simply say, “Should we break up?” But your desire to move away and start over leads me to think that you might be drawn to the newness of beginnings and the idealism we can often hold with our imagination, which also relates to question number seven.
I could be completely off-base in my assessment, but it stood out to me, so I thought I should point it out for you to ponder. Based on the answers to your other questions, you might be able to get more in tune with that statement.
Take some time to ponder these questions, Cara, but not necessarily with your boyfriend, as oversharing your doubts may put him in a place of uneasiness.
I’m not saying you should hide your feelings, but, rather, sit on them for a while.
Maybe even go away for a weekend (not to Timbuktu) and be still. Turn off your distractions and really try to get in tune with where you have come from and your expectations for the future. Pray, read Scripture, and, when you get back, discuss any insights you have with people who know you and have wise insight into your relationship. Ask them to pray for you and with you. God will use this situation to help you grow and transform if you let the Spirit take part in your process—which brings peace even in the midst of uncertainty (Romans 5).
Don’t be afraid of the questions or the silence.
At the end of the day, you will make the choice—and that choice will then present itself with another list of questions.
Such is life.
We can either live it by ignoring the questions, or we can live it by asking and looking for answers. We may not always find the most concrete answers, but by asking, we grow.
From my heart,
What are your expectations of how you will feel about the person you are going to marry?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.