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Many of you have spoken or written to me about your fears of relationships, which have often been caused by the unhealthy examples you have seen modeled around you. Many of you, like me, have experienced deep relational pain. Many of you, like my parents, come from broken and unstable childhood homes.
Your sincerity in asking, “How can I heal from all these wounds?” or, “How can I not do what my parents did?” always puts a passion in my heart because I desire that you know the Truth.
Wounds:
Healing always takes time. And even when healing comes, there often are scars left behind. My pastor once talked about how physical scars from our physical wounds leave physical marks that may not be pretty, but the skin of the scar is actually stronger than nonscarred skin.
Kanye West also said something similar about the stuff that doesn’t kill us making us stronger…buuuuut he’s not my favorite source.
Cycle:
Parents always have an impact on us, regardless of how much we may try to ignore it. Both the presence and absence of parental influence will make a difference in how we live and see the world. But the important thing to remember is that this impact does not mean control. And we have a choice over what we let control us.
Healer:
The video I want to share today is a story that has given me, and now thousands of others, answers to these questions.
As many of you know, my father started the marriage ministry Love and Respect, and he receives many invitations to speak about relationships. During the past year, however, I have been encouraging him to share more about his childhood and his own journey of how he became so passionate about relationships. He had the perfect opportunity when, the night before this talk given to 12,500 students, he was asked if he could scrap his planned speech and instead talk about his life. So this, my friends, is what he shared just a number of hours later. It’s straight from his heart. It makes me cry because I know my father. I know how honest and truthful he is being, and I don’t think this is the easiest for him to share…
My prayer is that his story will give you not only hope in the midst of your “how” questions but also a Truth you will believe for your future.
You are not alone in your pain and questions.
What do you think it looks like to trust Christ, while honestly processing your pain?
Who are the wounded healers that have impacted you?
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
@Aron,
Amazing story. My brother went through something similar about 2 years ago. He is also a divorced healed man, who has grown stronger in his faith- now about to get married.
God is awesome. Faithful and true. What an awesome story you have (just from that small bit you shared) to be able to help others see outside themselves, and focus on God.
=)
I didn’t think I’d have time to listen to this this morning at work, but my schedule cleared and just had some clerical stuff to work on. I’m so thankful that I took the time to hear what your father had to say. Such a powerful story. Thank you for sharing and encouraging your father to share. I can tell lives have been and will continue to be changed by his message.
Joy, thank you so much for posting this! I shared this with my little cousin. He looks up to me. His dad cheated (twice) and beat up on everybody in his family. I hope he hears the words that I just did that meant so much to me. “You will love people more than me.” May blessings fall on you and your entire family, and thanks from me to Dr. Eggerichs.
Your remark about scars reminded me of something else about them: The scars I have are definitely tougher as your pastor says, but my scarred skin also has far less ability to feel. Scary to think about non-physical scars in light of that. Good thing God is the redemptive healer that He is, eh?
This made me cry so much. I can also see how genuine & honest he is, even though I don’t know him. Thank you for sharing, you are so lucky to have a dad like him. I never grew up with mine, but I’ve been following your posts for months now and it seems that you guys have an amazing love towards each other that would have been so beautiful to experience. I’m glad I have my Abba Father though, He’s more than enough. Anyway, absolutely loved this. Blessings!
At a very young age the Lord impressed upon me that my wounds had a purpose. He has been so faithful in bringing me those people to whom I can say “I understand”. What thoughts or advice would you or your father have for those “wounded healers” when they are poured out and exhausted? When the people they have poured over, loved on and invested in, suddenly turn and reject the very core of you? The Lord is so faithful to use each and every circumstance, I know this too can and will be used, sometimes that soul weariness makes it hard to get proper perspective. Logic and truth are there, but there is hurt too.
thank you for the blessing of this ministry and your father’s wonderful testimony.
@the Mrs, I am not sure if you are saying you are the one that is drained or if you are hurt because the people who have poured into you are now saying they are drained. But on either side I would say that the Sabbath is a good example of why it’s important for us to rest. As we love others, we also need to have time where we spend being loved by the Father and resting because he commanded us to due to how he knows he made our human bodies.
In regards to the pain from feeling rejected by mentors, I would try to put yourself in their shoes. Often times my father talks about evil willed and good willed. Are these people really trying to hurt you, or are they good willed people who are just doing something you don’t necessarily like. As you said, “the logic is there” but that doesn’t necessarily take away the pain. I don’t think it will. This life has pain in it, but logic and grace can help us get perspective as we move through the pain. Don’t deny the pain, but know that you don’t have to stay in it either.
Hope that encourages you.
I saw this video when you originally tweeted it. (I think you did anyway?) And I knew almost as soon as your dad began to talk that I needed to share it with my own father. My dad has been one of those wounded healers that has walked with me. Almost ironically, my mother has been one of those walking wounded who has wounded me greatly out of her pain. And I have determined (as so many do) not to repeat the pattern.
Healing is slow in coming. I never realized until now how much I’d stuffed – how much I’d intentionally forgotten. But the Lord is turning these ashes into beauty… I am learning how to have a HEALTHY relationship with my mother. And it is out of this – the deepest wounds of my life – that I know I will minister most effectively. Only our God can do this. It’s what sets Him apart from every other god out there. Only through the wounds of Jesus Christ can we find healing. What a paradox! What a miracle!
Thank you for sharing this Joy. Praise God for you and your fathers vulnerability.. may many find healing and hope through the sharing of your hearts.
This was powerful Joy. Thank you so much for sending this. I needed to be reminded that God doesn’t require me to know why…He only requires my obedience, faith, and trust in Him. Your dad’s transparency and authenticity shines through in everything he does and I admire that. Thank you for posting! 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I may have cried quite a bit. I have very similiar memories to those your father shares. I used to shake my fists at God for allowing it to happen and even walked away from Him, but He never left me. It’s been years of walking with God, pressing into Him and trusting Him. Now I understand what a wounded healer is and how truly powerful it can be to really identify with someone’s pain. It helps you be God’s agent. I am so grateful that your father shared his story. It is a great reminder to continue to share my story. There is no shame in our pain. With God, there is healing and growth. Again, I thank you for this post!
Thanks for sharing! Love the comment your father makes, ” God is not the author of sin, but can use that sin to create a greater grace…”. This is a reminder that God CAN use past pains, burdens, and sin for a greater good. Listening to this made me realize how many aspects in life I can apply this to, especially working with my High School kids. Every day I work with “troubled” youth that have wounds, and sometimes they just simply need to be told that they are NOT bad children. They ARE lovable. This message was a good reminder to me to invest in making this concept known to them 🙂 This was also a reminder on a personal level to have faith in God using all situations for His greater glory.
Joy thanks for this awesome post and ur passion in wanting to impart into the ministry of relationships 🙂 thanks for posting up da video it was much timely and needed for me. Been going thru a rough season of my life where being wounded by someone i held dearly and whom decided not to fight for me to the end. Its painful, heartbreaking and hurting. Its quite a challenge at times where i figured i am all good and the storm of the past comes flooding in once again.
I am truly grateful that your dad shared on the unanswered question and how we all have our own share of questions with no answer. But to truly let God work outside the box of te unanswered questions just blew me away 🙂
And allow Daddy God’s intervention to our past hurts and changing us into wounded healers.
I reckon its a process an journey 🙂
IMPACTFUL!! Thank you Joy for posting your Father’s speech! Please tell him thank you for sharing his story.
The story reminded me of the power of surrendering and forgiving. In my physical pain that I have suffered the last 3 years, I have had a choice to be bitter and have resentment or to release all of my frustration, anger, bitterness and pain over to God. It is less painful to surrender to God and give it all over to him than to be bitter and to continue being bitter. I just had neck surgery on April 2nd. Recovery was going well and I was not feeling the pain in my scapula, neck, and not feeling tingling going down my right arm. This was encouraging and I had more energy and mental focus at my office. Then…starting April 21st, I started feeling the same pains that I had before the surgery. I couldn’t believe it! What the heck! Oooh this better not be happening again, I thought. The surgeon better have taken care of everything! I DO NOT want to have neck surgery again! It has been a tuff weekend. I am thankful I watched your Dad’s speech today because it allowed me to see the value of surrendering. I am chosing to not have an entitlement view, and am chosing to release my fear and anger over to God…again. And it is soooo helpful to remember that this pain will be used for good! It will not be wasted!
Thank you God for allowing me to come to you with my heart even when I sin out of anger…and you give my heart peace and rest and slow it down. Thank you for loving me and that is enough. Thank you for being my Abba and calling me your son.
Aron thinks...
On Sept 28th 2009 I received a text on the train while I was on my commute home I received a text from my wife. It stated “I have what I want, the rest is yours. Please sign the papers on the counter and return to the court house.” I raced home from the train to see what she was talking about; it was exactly as she said, she took what she wanted and had filed for divorce. This blindsided me and I did not know what to do. As I was curled up in the fetal position in the middle of my bed crying I remembered Joseph and prayed “God I do not understand this and I do not want it, but I know you can make good come from it, please use this as a tool for your glory.” He is so faithful when we are faithful to him. I was very involved in my church that was 35 miles away, but stopped attending that church and joined one way closer to home as I knew I was going to need a lot of support nearby through this time.
Luckily (can Christians really use that term) my new church offered a program called Divorce Care (www.divorcecare.org) in which I was able to interact with others who were currently going through divorce and some who had been divorced for years, but had never really healed. Most everyone there was quite uplifting and encouraging, but there were also those who had hardened their hearts and you could tell. They all understood when someone didn’t want to share; no pressure added, share if you want, we are here for you either way. There were wounded people trying to heal and wounded people who had healed there; exactly what we needed when we needed it.
Through this healing in my life I have been able to help and come along side of some friends to help and encourage them in their marriages and those whom are separated and trying to “figure out what’s next.” In this I have attempted to pursue God and His plan for my life and He has been most faithful in “loving those who pursue Him.”*
To my surprise, this has had a tremendous impact on a couple of folks I ride the train with. One approached me last summer and said “Aron, I don’t understand it. I have seen you go from a happily married man, to a devastated man going through a divorce, to a healed divorced man. Yet your love for the Lord has not changed.” I took this opportunity to share Christ with him and he would have nothing to do with it. A couple weeks ago he asked me to pray over him because of some troubles he was having at work which was so encouraging to me. God is working on him; I selfishly hope I am around to see that fruit bud.
*Rom 8:28; And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
PS: Loved that speech by your dad!
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