Hierarchy.
This word immediately makes me envision a hairy man seated on a throne wearing red fur and a pinky ring. I also hear him saying in the voice of Brian Regan, “Bring me the head of a pig and a goblet of something cool and refreshing!”
So as you can imagine, when I saw that my father had a chapter in his book Love and Respect titled “Hierarchy,” I almost wet my pants.
Whaaaa?!
This is the kind of thing I was convinced would cause my generation to throw this book out the window and chalk my dad up to a male chauvinist, patriarchal, backcountry hick.
But then I read the chapter.
Photo Credit: Ashley Elizabeth Photography
Recently, there were two back-to-back situations that reminded me of what I believe to be God’s design and strength in many men. And while all strengths and gifts can be twisted, abused, and perverted, I want to use these two posts not to focus on the men who don’t take care of the gifts and responsibilities given to them, but rather to affirm and thank the men who strive to live them out honorably.
The good men don’t generally ask to be thanked.
All of you, I assume, heard about the shooting in Aurora, Colorado, at the movie theater. But what some of you may not have heard was that four men died in a split-second reaction to protect and save the lives of their girlfriends.
A number of years ago, I was taking a summer-school class up at Regent College in British Columbia. While there, I met with one of my male professors who had written a book on why he became a feminist. By many definitions I consider myself one, too, but I was surprised by his critical response toward people like my father who say, “If someone tried to murder your family, who would step up to the plate?” My professor (whom I enjoyed greatly) said with a laugh, “I think that is such a ridiculous statement. My wife would die for me just as much as I would die for her.”
I don’t doubt that. As a woman, I would volunteer to die for my family members, too. (Momma Bear will rip your face off!)
I don’t think this is about women’s lack of desire or willingness to lay down our lives for loved ones, but the difference I see is in the level of awareness men have toward their wives or girlfriends. Often, it seems to be more heightened than that of the wife or girlfriend toward the man.
Next time you are out and about, watch couples that are crossing a busy intersection.
A while ago, I was at the second-birthday party of one of my favorite little boys, Bear. The party was held at an elementary school, and I was kicking a soccer ball around with a few of my guy friends. Two of them are married, and, oddly enough, both men travel to Africa often for their lines of work.
I was asking one of them whether he was excited for his next trip, and he said, “Yes, I am. It’s going to be great to have Melissa with me, but it always makes it a whole different kind of trip.”
Based on what I now know about men, I knew what he was implying, and so did the other men, but I pushed for more and said, “How so?”
“Oh, you know, I just become way more on guard and protective when she is with me. It’s just way more stressful to have her there because I want to make sure she is safe.”
My other friend (who, by the way, is vocal about his egalitarian marriage) piped up: “Yeah, I totally know what you mean. Every time my wife comes with me to Africa, I turn into a totally different person.”
Let me insert something here:
I know both of their wives. They are strong, independent women who have traveled alone, can fend for themselves, and are capable of taking on any unsafe situation. I will also add this: their husbands treat them that way. They see their wives as strong, successful, driven women. I can guarantee that these attributes are what drew them to their wives.
I get discouraged when women have a mentality that we have to somehow act less strong than God designed us to be to find a man. At the same time, I think others of us, in our fears of being perceived as weak, overcompensate. We try to act so strong that we disregard what I now believe is a God-given protective gene in good men that will cause them to be in a constant state of alert when they are in what they believe to be a position of responsibility.
P.S. Right after the Aurora shooting, my father made a video on this topic. Check it out HERE.
Men, are you “a totally different person” when you are with women in possibly unsafe situations?
Women, if my assessment of men is true, how does it make you feel?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Yes – definitely a tricky balance! And I’m a strong independent woman too so I know what you mean. Ummm…I feel a song coming on!
The assessment makes me feel good. I think it’s a beautiful thing for a man to feel an innate need to protect and look out for the woman he loves, not because he thinks she is weak or dependent, but because she is a precious thing to him and out of love, he wants nothing more than to keep her as such. I am one of those women who believes she is independent and strong, emotionally and physically, and I can fend for myself in most situations. But it is truly an endearing feeling to know that you are loved in this protective “i have your back” kind of way. I truly hope that at least all Godly men are like this. It gives me something to look forward to.
You, me and Rachel need to start a strong independent woman club!
“All the women who are indepent, throw your hands up at me!” Perhaps Destiny’s Child club theme song…wait, who’s got dibs on Beyonce? 😉
The assessment makes me feel good. I think it’s a beautiful thing for a man to feel an innate need to protect and look out for the woman he loves, not because he thinks she is weak or dependent, but because she is a precious thing to him and out of love, he wants nothing more than to keep her as such. I am one of those women who believes she is independent and strong, emotionally and physically, and I can fend for myself in most situations. But it is truly an endearing feeling to know that you are loved in this protective “i have your back” kind of way. I truly hope that at least all Godly men are like this. It gives me something to look forward to.
My husband always puts me on the inside when walking along the road. I know it’s a protective instinct. I usually don’t give it much thought, but I do appreciate it!
It is interesting when you become aware how many small things they do. And now that I am I notice when it’s absent too! Bear always has me walk on the inside of the road. I guess he’s learning from his dad. Or he just wants to play in traffic. Whateve.
I think one of the most attractive qualities in a man is to be a defender/protector. When a man stands up for me, something within me melts. Haha. At my last job at a cafe, there was a guy who used to come in and was known to be inappropriate with every one of the female workers. My male co-worker was just about to leave for the day when inapprop. dude came in. My co-worker stayed until he left, and when I told him how nervous I was that he was going to leave, he said “Yeah, I wasn’t going to leave you here with him.” My heart was like, “!!!!!!!”
Ahh! I love it. I hope you told him thank you and that you wanted to marry him. Or just thank you, I guess. (-: And I hope creeper man has disappeared.
A protective response in appropriate situations is honestly super attractive to me and leaves me feeling very valued by the guy.
Ditto.
Great write up Joy; I so look forward to the feedback you receive.
Thanks!
Men naturally defend weaker men as well as women. The toughest guy in the room usually knows who he is. He will protect any guy down line from him if there is a perceived order established in the smallest way. I have worked with dignitaries and former secret service personnel in my days working with royal family members from Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. The best of the physically able guys always step up to protect the more lighter framed guys.
That said, you can find in many cultures . . . many examples of of equal instincts to jump into the harshest environments when it comes to protection of others. I think “lay down your life for your brother” applies across the board. There is plenty of culture in this country of both sides of the issue making good arguments for each camp. In sub-cultures it seems to play out to more extremes. I love the arguments, and I think its important to look at this as often as possible.
Regent in Vancouver B.C. . ah yes . . .my favorite college book store. Never go to BC w/o a stop there.
Hey Jim – I agree. I always find myself protecting my small lady friends. I think that’s part of it too. Across the board in each culture, the men of that culture are generally larger than the females of that same culture. Even if I was with a man much smaller than myself though, I just have a sense that most of them would have an awareness of my safety as much if not more than their own.
Yeah for Regent!
I really liked your article. I used to be way to independent and not accepting guys protectiveness. I was always the biggest of my friends and have a protective streak. When guys tried it with me, I would push it away. I have gotten ‘better’ at accepting help or their protection, to the point that I want it. But i still find that balance really hard. How do you accept their protection without becoming that ‘weak’ version of a female?
Great question Stephanie! I am similar to you and would always refuse the walk to my car, ride somewhere or help with basically anything. I don’t know why I feared being seeing as weak, but I finally realized that letting someone help me had no reflection on my weakness, rather it was an area of strength when I could allow someone to serve me when they desired to serve. I think men offering to protect or serve and us rejecting that would be the same way as us offering to paint our friend a picture or fix them dinner and them saying, “No that’s ok. I know how to paint.” or “Oh I made myself dinner last night. I’m good.” Accepting something from someone isn’t about our ability, it’s about receiving a gift. AND if it really is an area we need help in, saying “no” then becomes a pride issue on our part.
As you can tell…this has been something I’ve worked through!!
My wife is strong and can take care of herself, I know this. However, it comes down to this “Not on my watch”.
By that I mean not on my watch will she be harmed, frightened or bullied. I do become different when we are in a place that I think a predator type is lurking and when we cross the street I position myself so that if car flies through the intersection I can push her out of the way. I can’t help it, her survival is paramount to me.
I love this. Thank you for being a good man by desiring to protect but also by appreciating and honoring your wife’s strength and not being intimidated by it!
Seeing men protect me or others adds to my esteem of them. I try to communicate that I notice and appreciate the fact Mr. Protective Dad/Brother/Boyfriend/Friend chose to go out of his way to make me a priority. I don’t expect or wait around for someone to rescue me, though. Normally Mr. Protective and I both know I could manage on my own, but his support makes it easier and adds value to my life as my support does for his life. You see, I’m protective too, but it usually comes out more as nurturing. Sometimes my part is encouraging or diffusing conflicts before they happen or making sure he has soft tissues when he has a cold or listening well or communicating well. I don’t feel like the weaker party in any relationship with a Mr. Protective, I focus more on not taking him for granted and on ways I can “watch his back” too.
Beautifully said!
REALLY good article, Joy! I also listened to the short video on your Dad’s salute to the brave men who died for the women in the Aurora shooting.
Thank you for sharing this!
Cheryl
Great article, Joy. This is something I felt long before I could put it into words. I think it’s in our physiology, though as you say, that can get twisted and perverted. I think because I grew up with a father figure from whom I didn’t get many “protective” vibes, I’m even more sensitive to that trait in men. I look for it in any guy I date, to the point that the lack of protectiveness has been a red flag… and an accurate red flag at that. I once dated a guy whose face wouldn’t even flinch when I would tell him about a scary scenario in my neighborhood… he had no instinct to protect me, and I even got the sense he’d throw me in front of a bus before he’d take the hit himself! Buh-bye, sir. The next guy I dated bought me pepper spray as a gift and wanted to put a deadbolt on my bedroom door. A little overkill maybe, but his intentions were good and helped reassure me that the good guys have that instinct and desire… I wasn’t crazy to look for it!
“The good men don’t generally asked to be thanked.”
It’s a process! It takes time! It’s not always easy! It can be learned! Women can help!
I would caution about assuming men are instantly all “bad,” and throwing them out the moment you don’t like something you witnessed or experienced. The sum of a person’s life and character should not be defined by a single moment. People are rarely so one-dimensional.
As a man who was raised to treat women well, open doors for them, and be alert and aware of their safety, I can tell you I have had so many days when I’ve questioned why I treat women so well when I’ve been treated so poorly in return (not that I would ever treat them badly. I wouldn’t!) But I have wondered if it is really worth the effort and trouble when my kindness and self-sacrifice is returned with indifference or even anger and contempt. Honestly, there are some days I’ve wanted to “take the day off,” but instead found myself serving on autopilot out of habit and repetition. I find it frustrating how much women expect men to sacrifice for them, when many of them might not even give a single thought to serving a man. It’s a thankless, no-win situation. If I don’t do something, then I’m forever labeled a “bad” man in their eyes, but if I do, then my effort is “meaningless” because I’m “expendable”, and it was expected of me anyway. I’ve rarely ever experienced appreciation for any of my effort or sacrifice, and have easily received more than my fair share of undeserved contempt. In the 21st century, many men (even good men) really do ask themselves, “What is the point?” The only answer I can hold onto is because it make Jesus happy.
This makes me wonder about those four men from Aurora, Colorado. People honor them now because they are dead, but I can’t help but imagine how few people may have ever honored them while they were alive.
Many young men assume that women now are “strong” and independent” and don’t want their help or protection. In my experience, this is at least partly true. Such women often do react very badly. Sometimes, these negative past experiences with women lead good men to withhold help or protection from women in their lives now. Yet, if a woman really does value and desire a man’s help and protection, she should let him know (without manipulation). He may not know otherwise. Again, if a man does not act/react according to the expectations in your head, keep your frustrations to yourself, and don’t immediately assume he is “bad.” Certainly, don’t treat him badly in response. Maybe he is just learning!
It’s a process! It takes time! It’s not always easy! It can be learned! Women can help!
“Yet, if a woman really does value and desire a man’s help and protection, she should let him know (without manipulation).”
rgba,
I would love for you to expound on ^this – on what you mean by “without manipulation.”
And in response to your second comment, I tend to agree with you about the use of the words “strong” and “independent” as…. how to say it…. badges of honor, tools of verbal aggression, and so forth. And I think a huge part of it is that anyone born, say, from 1970 onward, has been indoctrinated (some to a greater or lesser degree) in the “You Go Gurl” school of thought. It’s not socially, politically, or otherwise “acceptable” to be who we are – female. It’s not socially, politically, or otherwise “acceptable” to be anything other than you-go-gurl-strong and independent. At the heart of Feminism (not matters of equality e.g. voting, equal pay for doing the same job; but hard core Feminism), is really a disdain for females. It’s actually very anti-female, and that’s the irony of it – because it’s basically saying we’re not good enough, or we’re worthless, unless we’re men.
I can tell you that prior to discovering Dr. Eggerich’s book, ministry, and this awesome blog (thank you Joy), I was not even remotely aware of just how ingrained in me disrespect, disregard for, and taking for granted of men was…. and I was raised in church! But it’s everywhere (including church). Our culture is permeated with it.
Joy,
I have to tell you what an amazing blessing you and your parents have been to me. This ministry has been the most life changing for me. It has made me AWARE. It has improved my interactions – not just with all the men in my life, but even men I interact with at random (like at the grocery store). I appreciate men much more now. Not just because that’s what I’m “supposed” to do to get along, but because this ministry has helped me see much better what is in a man’s heart.
One more thought:
I noticed you and some of your friends mentioned the words “Strong” and “Independent” a few times.
While not directly related to the topic of hierarchy, I wanted to share some thoughts I had on those words.
Please keep in mind that these thoughts are not in any way directed towards you or your friends.
They are just a reaction to the words on the page.
Here they are:
I’m fine with women being “strong” and “independent,” (or rather, “capable”/”self-reliant”/”self-sufficient”), as long as they don’t treat me disrespectfully. I also have been curious/frustrated/annoyed when some women often feel a deep need to tell me/others just how strong and independent they are, as if we need them to narrate their own life.
Sometimes, when this happens, they seem to be speaking with a tremendous amount of disdain and disrespect, as if expressing disrespect towards men removes their own feelings of “weakness” or validates their sense of being capable/self-reliant/self-sufficient. Likewise, repeating the words “strong” and “independent” several times to other people doesn’t somehow make them more true in one’s life.
Why don’t such women just BE strong and independent, without ever stating it?! When they voice how “strong” and “independent” they are, I’m less likely to believe them, because if it were true, they wouldn’t even need to tell me; they would just BE themselves – strong and independent women. No words are necessary.
In truth, those words often seem so overused or misapplied that, when spoken, my ears hear disrespect. Through experience, I now associate those words with disrespect.
I’d rather women either BE capable/self-reliant/self-sufficient or communicate politely and honestly their desire to improve their level of capability/self-reliance/self-sufficiency. Otherwise, they should keep words like “strong” and “independent” to themselves, and never use them against others.
Men are not the enemy. Women should not start power struggles with any/every man they meet, simply because they want to be respected as capable/self-reliant/self-sufficient women. It is unnecessary! Calm, honest, and direct communication would be far more effective.
Women should not disrespect or devalue men (or other women) to minimize their own insecure feelings of “weakness,” or to validate their desire to become “stronger” and learn to be/feel more capable/self-reliant/self-sufficient. They should not put others down to raise themselves up. Women shouldn’t need to compete with others in this regard at all.
Why compare yourselves to others?! God doesn’t!
I was in this situation this past summer. I was overseas in Indonesia when my sister and her friend wanted to go for a walk on the last night of Ramadan. I completely went into secret service mode scanning every bush for attacking snakes and eyeing down every group of guys standing on the street corners. I was also making eye contact with everypassing motorcycle to convey to them that, yes, they were being watched so no funny business. All the while my sister and her friend and walking around without a care in the world. At one point the friend scolded me for not returning a greeting to a group of men sitting on a porch. I told her I waved, smiled and nodded and that was all I was giving. What I was doing was assessing their threat level and trying to convey in my best nonverbals, “Hello and good evening gentlemen, step off that porch and I will kill you.”
While my sister ws arguing with her husband about whether or not it was a good idea to take this walk, she said, “It’s okay, Aaron will be with us.”
I just wonder if any of you ladies, conciously or not, feel more at ease or are more likely to do something because you have a guy present??
Yeah, I definitely feel safer when a guy is present. Just knowing that he’s there makes it easier to relax and enjoy the moment. I guess when we’re on our own we’re often the ones “scanning every bush”, or walking really fast or listening to every sound… But even if the protective side to a guy often is really attractive and something to appreciate and be grateful for, I’ve realized that it can become too much as well. I was with this guy once who even tried to get me away from walking under a roof, as there was water dripping down on me, or this guy who would wait forever at the crosswalk, holding me back. Protection that is not made too obvious is still best 🙂 (unless it is a life-or-death situation, of course!) You guys rock though. You’re fantastic. 🙂
I recently had this discussion with a friend who is more of a feminist herself. I was desperately trying to explain that a man is wired to protect a woman. He does not belittle her, or think less of her, but she is to feel safe. I couldn’t agree with this article more. I myself look forward to being with someone of such character.
Woot woot! Shout out to Regent, on my campus of UBC!!!!
Your friend said of his wife when he travels: “Oh, you know, I just become way more on guard and protective when she is with me. It’s just way more stressful to have her there because I want to make sure she is safe.”
Would I be totally giving away my raging feminiphobia to suggest that if you had asked their strong independent wives how differently they would feel going to Africa with or without their husbands that they would respond, “Oh, when my husband is with me I feel so much more at ease!” – Literally the opposite of the husband’s response?
As (another!) strong, independent woman, I really identified with this post, thank you! But why is this post entitled “Hierarchy”? Could you elaborate on your Dad’s choice of the word too? I have a similar, negative reaction to the word hierarchy, because I think most definitions include ranking people or groups based on authority or standing. I don’t mean to be rude, because I really enjoyed the post, it’s so insightful, and it’s a fantastic reminder, but I don’t think the protective gene automatically puts the man (or protective woman) in a position of authority over the person being protected. What about nurturing or compassion genes more often found in women? Don’t they carry equal value in relationships?
Thanks for your question Sarah, I think if I understand it correctly I would say yes- I think both masculine and feminine characteristics can and should be found in both men and women. My desire is simply to highlight something that I see so often in men as naturally there and I wanted to point that out to the many women who I feel like might be unaware. Doesn’t make us less equal or strong or valuable in my opinion. Differences are good and discounting or ignoring them will be to our disadvantage, in my opinion.
“What about nurturing or compassion genes more often found in women?”
Just my opinion, but I think “compassion genes more often found in women” is also an idea we tend to just accept due to us being indoctrinated with this idea. I think men are every bit as equipped and capable of compassion (or mercy), and at times I think even more so, than women.
Rachel thinks...
As a woman who mostly functions as strong and independent, if a man does this correctly I would feel like I am cherished and loved. A tricky balance to find, I imagine. But such a blessing when done well.
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