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10

Ask Joy: Everything I Do, I Do For Women!

Ask Joy

Hi Joy,

I have a question about the delineation between dependence and assistance. For me, I have always done better when I have a romantic relationship to motivate (inspire?) me to do better.

A good example would be from school—if I am by myself without any kind of close relationship, or maybe just with my guy friends, it can be easy to let things slip in school a little, and I won’t do as well as I should. But if I’m dating someone—or even just interested—my motivation tends to increase, and I’ll work much harder than I would otherwise. This has been the case in other areas, such as budgeting and scheduling, but school is the easiest to draw an example from.

Because of this kind of dual behavior, I have avoided relationships to try and “be a better person,” working from the concept that times of singleness should be used to improve oneself for relationships.

But how do we find the line between flaws in our character that we genuinely need to address before we can have a healthy relationship, and holes in our character that are better filled by the strengths of another person?

—Benjamin

Photo Credit: Branden Harvey

My Response

Hi Benjamin,

Great question! And I’m not just saying that because “Great question” is both a cordial response and time filler during a conversation or interview. (Seriously, listen to people next time they are being interviewed and count how many time the person being interviewed says, “That’s a great question…”)

Anywho, I don’t think you are alone in this—I tend to see many men dealing with this question. Many husbands desire the approval of only one woman (and hopefully that person is their wife). They want to know that their spouse believes in them and thinks they can “do” something important.

Research shows that most men thrive and are healthier within marriage; therefore, it would be easy to conclude that their wife is a key motivator to their success.

(Cue the Brian Adam’s song, “Everything I Do…”)

Being a motivator, though, is different than being a savior or the sole reason for inspiration—that could create an unhealthy dependency and lead to being defined instead of refined by your significant other. You don’t want someone to be the only reason for your actions because, well, they are human and they might die, leave you, or let you down. If your actions hinge completely on them, then you will be a mess when something changes. You work hard solely because God calls us to work hard and with a standard of excellence—wife, girlfriend, or not.

But being motivated to work because you have a specific woman in mind isn’t a bad thing either. It doesn’t mean she’s the only reason, but she is one of the reasons you may have a desire to protect, provide, and be worthy of that role—whether that woman tangibly needs it or not. And that’s a very honorable thing.

I realize it’s harder to get motivated when there’s not a specific person in mind, but that doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Just remember what you were created to do, and remember that, even if you don’t see the woman of your dreams, she might be watching you.

(Creepy, I know.)

For me, it’s very attractive when guys are already disciplined personally, professionally, and spiritually before we meet instead of trying to kick into gear after our first date.

But if you don’t feel completely ready, don’t let that keep you from dating. You will most likely not have it as “together” as you ever want to be—if we waited for that to happen, none of us would ever get married!

I know a lot of disappointed women who have guys in their life whom they admire and respect, but feel rejected when the guy says he can’t be in a relationship or “isn’t dating right now” because he doesn’t feel like he has everything figured out.

On behalf of most women, let me say, “We want to do life together, not join a man who has life completely figured out.”

Male or female, my hope is that all of us—with or without someone—will strive to live lives as if we had a spouse or family that counted on us to make wise decisions, and because of a desire to honor God with the life and gifts we’ve been given. At the same time, I pray we are able to give grace to both ourselves and the people we pursue, removing the pressure to have it all figured out before we dive in.

Until then, Benjamin, if you find yourself singing this song as you release flaming arrows in the woods, it’s understandable.

(Can’t see the video? Click HERE.)

From my motivating heart,

Joy

p.s. Last week I shot an Ask Joy video from a guy who tries to play savior in his relationships. Coming soon!

________

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10 Comments

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    • Adam M thinks...

      Well said Joy.
      Being a guy today is rough (I’m pretty sure being a female has always been rough). In the past 60 years or so there has been such a cultural shift from males being the sole breadwinners, with females more or less completely dependent upon them, to now in many cases, the female is the top earner in the household. While 60 years may seem like a long time, in reality, that’s probably only 2, maybe 3 generations of males in a family to observe and teach new behavior. There’s a reason your grandpa (or grandma) always says “back in my day…” – the cold hard truth is that our young worlds are completely different. Completely throw away the cultural differences, and I think from a long historical standpoint, much of what John Eldredge writes about in “Wild at Heart” is true, men really seem to be programmed to long to save the beauty.
      I think you summed it up perfectly with the line “being defined instead of refined by your significant other” Joy. You seem super smart. You should write a book. Or try to engage a wide community. Oh. Wait… Anywho, I’m hear to say this: I’m guessing most every guy struggles with being motivated by a significant other AND the inverse of wanting to be that driving force. I know for me, I definitely didn’t have it figured out until I met the girl that eventually became my wife. She was the first girl that really made me realise that Jerry Maguire had it wrong – don’t look for someone to complete you. Look for someone that will complement you.

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        Just in case people missed this – I want to make sure it’s highlighted:

        “I’m guessing most every guy struggles with being motivated by a significant other AND the inverse of wanting to be that driving force. I know for me, I definitely didn’t have it figured out until I met the girl that eventually became my wife. She was the first girl that really made me realise that Jerry Maguire had it wrong – don’t look for someone to complete you. Look for someone that will complement you.”

        So good. Thank you Adam!

        Reply| at |

    • faith thinks...

      great post! i especially like what you said about us doing life together, instead of waiting around until we have it “together”. life’s a dance, we learn as we go. or something like that. #unicornsforlife

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        Yes! I commend the men who want to have there stuff together, but it does seem like it can be a paralyzing factor for them that keeps them from partnering with a woman. #yestounicorns

        Reply| at |

    • Nicole thinks...

      Just something to add to what Joy had said…
      One of the best ways to figure out if you are being defined by someone else or refined is to pray for serious conviction and revelation from God. He will reveal and convict your heart of those areas where your character might be flawed and how you can fix them. As well as preparing your heart and spirit for your significant other.
      You will never be perfect and your future spouse will never be perfect, ever. But the glue that will bind you and will help you fix those flaws or help you balance out your significant other will be God and keeping your focus on him and constant prayer, individually and as a couple. Put him first in all you do. He may be able to help balance you out in areas he knows your spouse will not be able to do or is not prepared to. Lean on Him and trust.
      And always remember that although you may not know it now, God has a perfect plan for you (and your future spouse) and just be mindful of the stages and seasons of life you are in and try to learn and grow from them.

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        Amen to prayer – and that’s what I liked about this guy is that I think he was in tune enough to know that he wanted his motivation to be right.

        Reply| at |

    • Jeff McMorrough (@trogdor76) thinks...

      As a guy, because I am one, I can say that this is definitely a real issue. There’s the wholly overused but very real idea that you should spend more time making yourself ready for the right relationship rather than looking for it.
      I think it’s tough because no one wants to view themselves as “needing” someone to make them happy. When you juxtapose that thought with the desire to live your life with a partner, it can make you hesitant.

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        Thank you Jeff! I appreciate you giving that affirmation of where you, and many men, feel caught. I can say that it doesn’t seem needy at all for a man to be growing with a woman rather than trying to pretend he has it all figured out. Keep it up!

        Reply| at |

    • Bill thinks...

      Reminds me of the line in “As Good As It Gets” where Jack Nicholson’s character says “You make me want to be a better man”

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        YES! And as humans we should all be the kind of friends who push each other to be better people, but I think it’s a whole new ballgame when it’s a potential life partner. The balance, is as mentioned, not making them the sole motivator – but motivation to be better, I believe, is a good thing!

        Reply| at |

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