Hey Joy,
I’m 22 and have my first girlfriend. She’s pretty amazing—except once a month, she has severe PMS that causes her to go a little cuckoo. I didn’t grow up with sisters or any close girlfriends, so I don’t have any experience handling these swings—it’s the core of our conflicts, and I don’t know what to do anymore. My girlfriend recognizes this issue, and doesn’t want to be this way, but she just has these severe symptoms.
This is going to keep happening every single month. What can I do? Is there hope?
Hope you’re all sitting down, because today we’re talking about…PMS! I love this question because, as a female who has experienced PMS, I know what it’s like to feel crazy—and I know how it can make a guy think I’m crazy.
And two crazies don’t make a right, my friends.
But as I talk about in the video, what’s most important is to recognize that this is a hormonal issue. So many couples—married and dating—get into these huge feuds and hold grudges for a long time without ever realizing that their conflict may have had more to do with biology.
It’s all about hormones, people, and at the end of the day, hormones make us who we are as males and females!
So hang in there, watch the video, and let’s talk about “that time of the month.”
P.S. A Message from Mama E: When Joy was smaller, she saw the letters “PMS” on a magazine and asked me about it. I told her it was when mommies had a bad day. And she said, “Why don’t they just say it’s “MBD” instead of “PMS”? Kids, they say the darnedest things.
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Yes Megan! Thank you for your comments from experience. I thought the same thing – this couple is way ahead of the curve to get in tune with these things!
Hey…there’s an app for that…..My dear husband downloaded and app that reminds him when “the crazy time” is about to turn the corner. That way he’s emotionally, mentally and physically prepared for it…sometimes even before I realize!!
ahaha! I have that app. It’s currently for my own sanity and understanding where the crazy stems from…
What a great video. Although I cannot relate at all to a woman’s side of this and I am speaking out of ignorance I am sure and I am also sure I will get straightened out by the women on here, but….
Let me start off with a question:
Are there different levels of PMS?
I have seen some women who have said “it is terrible” and others say “not so much.” With my ex-wife it was terrible and she avoided me when she was having a hard time with it which was 99.235% of the time. Any women I have dated since have never taken it out on me when they were having troubles with their cycle.
Joy brings up a really good point here in asking questions. “Do you really think I am that kind of person?” “Is there anything I can do to make this easier on you?” Asking open ended questions and listening — Yes Men, I said the “L” word — will usually help everyone in the situation calm down, explore what and how they are really feeling and what is actually being communicated. You want to connect with each other and work through all situations which bring tension.
Everyone Communicates few Connect!
There are definitely different levels both among women and within one woman’s life. It’s funny, I am a woman, but my PMS las always been so mild, that I have a hard time relating to other women on this also. I’m pregnant right now though, so I’ve actually experienced some mood swings, and it was really enlightening. The biggest thing I learned is that the mood swings are more like exaggerated reactions to legitimate emotional causes. So take a situation where normally, a woman might be mildly annoyed and brush it off, but with PMS, she would get really angry. I think a good-willed woman, once she sees that her reaction is disproportionate to the cause, will take the time to process and let the feeling come down, or at least try to direct it away from other people. The trick is getting her to recognize that without triggering another swing. I think something else that helps is affirming that hormonal mood swings are normal and don’t mean there is something fundamentally wrong with the woman’s character or being. As Joy points out, the mood swings are very much part of what makes a woman a woman, so you’ve got to take her as a whole.
So so so well said. You answered Aaron perfectly. And I think what you said about them being exaggerations of (usually) legitimate emotional causes is so true. I think thats why when someone discounts those feelings and says, “Oh you’re just on your period…” it can feel so dismissive. A man who can highlight the irrational response while still empathetically validating the feelings and what’s going on is a champion and will melt the heart of any good woman.
YES to both of your responses. These emotional responses are often intensified by the hormones, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a valid reason behind them! Blaming it all on PMS will only increase the rage or sadness your lady is feeling 🙂
Good stuff Aaron! Bethany wrote some fantastic insights for you below.
“And she might punch you in the face…” Best part.
haha thank you RJ. I’m not speaking from personal experience. Or am I??!?!
I am guilty, guilty, guilty for asking about the period. Joy, you are HILARIOUS with that PMS skit at the end (“Do you want a treat?!?). I hope you see this as complimentary and not offensive, but I very much get your sense of humor; it’s actually refreshing to see because I have an unorthodox-style in that area. Some people think I’m flat out crazy because I’ll think of the craziest stuff, but if you get me, we can have a great time. Thank you for just being who you are and providing moments that can lighten the “anxiety that is now a part of the fabric of our everyday existence” (paraphrase quote from Bishop Noel Jones…I know “paraphrase quote” sounds like an oxymoron, but please give the grace you want us to have for those in the clutches of PMS). Bye
Megan thinks...
This is great advice! I just turned 33, and definitely didn’t have a handle on PMS at 22. I have just in the last 5 years or so even figured out what some red flags are – if I am being impatient in traffic…PMS warning! If I am telling my kids to be quiet…PMS warning! Once I see the warnings and realize that it’s PMS and not everyone in the world being horrible. 😉 My husband is also starting to be able to tell when it’s PMS – and we’ve been together for 15 years!
So, my advice for this couple (and whoever else) would be to chart your cycles so you know when it’s coming. And then try to figure out what some of your red flags are. If you (the female) are aware that it’s PMS and not everyone else on the planet sucking, then you can sometimes manage it better. Or, if there’s a conflict, you can say, “You know what, could we talk about this in a few days? I’m a little grumpy right now.”
For the guys – I agree with you that a 22-year old guy even being aware and willing to talk about this is a huge first step. If he was aware of when PMS was coming, he could be ready to be a little extra gracious for a few days. He could also try not to bring up issues that could lead to conflict at that time.
Hang in there! I think it will probably get better at some point as they both just get a little older and more aware of themselves and each other. I’m glad you’re talking about it!
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