Hey Joy,
I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a while, even both saying, “I love you”—until one day he came to me and said, “I don’t love you anymore.” I haven’t heard from him since.
My breakup seems so out of the blue, and I’m feeling very hurt and confused. Did my boyfriend lie about loving me while we were together? How do I handle this complete shut down?
This is a question I’ve actually received numerous times, so I feel like maybe it’s something I should talk about. Just trying to please, people.
And as a bonus, I’ve brought in my padre to help respond to both the women and the men in this situation.
Now I know that not all men jump ship like this, but there are guys who literally shut down in relationships and give no information as to why—and the fact of the matter is that their actions can create deep wounds in the hearts of women.
As we talk about in the video, men and women often have different ways of processing emotion. Whereas women tend to have more integrated personalities, men tend to compartmentalize, leading them to maybe not even think twice about completely severing ties after they’ve decided not to continue in a relationship.
But as my dad cautions, men, you should think twice. Not only to honor your ex, but to honor the One you fashion your life after.
So sit back and watch me and my dad hash out this popular question! And if you stay to the end, I promise there will be a reward that may or may include rock-n-roll.
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Kirbie – I love your humility! As I challenge I always hope that people aren’t watching or reading going, “Oh yeah… so and so should hear this…” The fact that you thought about ways you could improve too is super duper encouraging to me. A good reminder for me as well! Thanks.
When my Ex-Wife left, she cut and run. I received a text and she said she was leaving and was gone before I got home. Three correspondence followed via Email and the divorce was finalized. How do women process these types of actions? I have not talked to her in four plus years, but she won’t even look at me when I see her in a public place — which happens very rarely, but often enough to wonder what she is going through after all this time and still has bitterness. OK, enough Soap Box!
I we saw in the Love & Respect videos, the male (boy or man) is shamed to an extent by the pain he knows he is causing. I think as we (men) compartmentalize a break up, as we process how to end it (which we do think through it), we want to do it in a loving and gentle manner, but we don’t want to see her go through the pain and it is easier to let her go, than it is see the pain she is going to go through.
Then when the horrible word “why” comes up, it is hard for us (men) to not list the reasons; which may be exhaustive, or short. As for me, the why may be painful for them as in the past there was a woman I had dated a couple times whom there is no way I would let her raise my kids because of her personality and lack of discipline. How would I talk her through that in a loving manner? I did some how, but I fell back on the crappy, generic, “I am just not feeling it” excuse rather than going through the whole process and causing the pain I know it would have caused.
All that being said, I can totally see how a transition time may be good to help comfort the other person it they be Male or Female. It would be very important to set up some very strict and good Boundaries though as to not ‘drag it out’ longer than it should. For the women, finding other women to console and lean on would be good, for the men, try not to compartmentalize it and go through the process for examining what you are “Feeling.” Yes men that doesn’t make sense, nor does it sound enjoyable, I have found it to be very helpful and healing to “reflect” and connect with the whole ‘YOU.’
Thank you Joy and Padre!
Thanks Aron – Good reminder that even though they sometimes don’t vocalize it, silence doesn’t mean they weren’t trying to do the right thing. I do hope men can hear the challenge and stay in it to give us information even when they sense it’s a need for the woman.
More guitar in every post. Please.
Done.
I had to do the breaking up of a very serious relationship with one guy. I didn’t do the disappear thing but he sure did. I don’t blame him. I know I didn’t do it all right. 🙁 We were friends before. Our families are still friends (that’s really hard.) But I may as well be invisible. Idk how it’s supposed to work but it’s been the hardest 2 years of my life. I wish even if we weren’t good friends that we could be on friendly terms. Especially since our families are friends. I don’t feel like it’s my place to try though since I broke it off and he cut off all communication. I appreciate this video. Wish I could do it different. But hope there is never a next time.
Hey. I feel like I wrote the above comment out of frustration and am being rather pathetic too. Mistakes have consequences and it’s so important to accept them as well as the hurt to find peace. So thankful I can trust God’s heart. No need to reply. In fact if you would be so kind as to delete it that would be awesome. Thanks!
I will delete your comment Anna but I didn’t see anything wrong with it at all. In fact I saw you as humbly taking responsibility and feeling remorse for how you handled things. You seem like you are a woman who wants to grow. God will honor that posture of the heart.
Definitely going through this right now. However, he claims he still loves me. That’s the hardest part. Thank you for this. I am learning a lot about myself during this season.
Kirbie thinks...
Ohhh this is my life… I want to scream PREACH! But I still feel like as much as this is directed toward the men (or at least the silent runners) I’m sure there are ways I can do breakups better.
P.S. I couldn’t wait to watch this and was forced to use closed captioning in a shared office environment. Have you ever checked those out… evidently this conversation involved Obama and muslims!
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