Hi Joy,
I’ve recently gotten engaged to a man I met online. My fiancé lives and runs his own start-up in San Diego, and when we get married I’ll be moving from my home in Los Angeles to be with him.
I knew that online dating would come with the potential for relocation, but now that it’s a reality, I feel very sad to leave my community. I’ve spent the past 5 years investing in deep relationships here, and I am nervous that when I move I won’t make good friends again.
How do I express to my future husband the pain of losing this incredible community? And how do I ward off feelings of resentment toward him for this loss?
—Mariana
Hi Mariana,
Wow, what a tribute to the depth of your friendships! I bet that very characteristic is one of the many reasons your husband-to-be loves you so much.
As my good ole’ dad and I encourage in the video, sit down and talk with your guy.
Ask questions. Be honest. Communicate. If you can get an idea of how he’s going to process your transition and honor him in the process, you’ll both feel more at ease as you enter this new season.
Your friendships are deep, and deep friendships move with you, even when you make new friends in your new home. You know, that reminds me of a song I used to sing…
…a song I would be more than happy to sing for you.
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Thanks for sharing Virginia! Care to share how you guys worked through it once you got in tune with your feelings towards the transition?
It’s so wise to realize that this move will be tough! So many people think that if you have your new spouse, that’s all you will need, but friendships are SO important! My husband and I moved just after we got married, and it was hard to see so many great friends much less often. But I have made an effort to talk with my husband about all of it, and he has gone out of his way to help me stay as connected as I can with those I care about. Good communication makes a big difference in navigating something like this!
Ooohhh can you share for the new husbands on what yours did to help you with the adjustment??
He did a couple of things…
One thing he has done a lot of is creating space for me to maintain friendships. If we are traveling anywhere near our old hometown, he will ask if there is a friend I want to connect with, and offers to entertain himself while I snag a coffee date or something. He does the same while we are at home, offering me the chance to spend time with a new friend, or have a Skype date with an old one. He never makes me feel guilty if I take some time away from him in order to invest in friendships. I actually have two far-away groups of friends now – the ones we just moved away from last year, and ones in San Diego that I grew up and went to college with – and he has made sure that we are saving money so I can visit San Diego when I am able in order to invest in those friendships too.
He has also asked a lot of good questions about how I think I can continue to grow the friendships. He helps me to think about it logically, and see what’s possible instead of assuming that the friendships are over now that I’ve moved. Sometimes I’m dramatic 😉
And lastly, he has prayed for me and with me, that I will be able to keep the people close that I treasure and that I will meet some amazing new friends in the city where we are now.
This is a reply to Julie — best comment ever! What awesome, life-giving suggestions.
Great post, Joy! I am not married but most of my friends are, and I’ve got best friends splattered across the country from my moves and theirs — and another close friend on her way to move. This is “normal” in adulthood, I’m sure, but when you spend your single years building and investing in deep relationships and then guys enter the picture, it’s so refreshing when they honor those friendships and I love to see that in friends’ husbands..makes me know what I am looking for someday in a man who cares about what his wife values! Thanks for making me think and for singing to us, Joy! Ha!
Virginia thinks...
a million times yes. I would say that prepping the hubs for this would have been very helpful in our transition to the Gorge.
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