Hi Joy,
I’m writing in response to the Ask Joy video you and Stephanie made about transitioning into new seasons of friendships as a newly married person. Well, I’m having the opposite problem.
I’m single, and I have a ton of married friends. All they ever talk about is being married and having babies—everything I wish I had in my life, but don’t. They talk about this so ceaselessly that I don’t even want to hang out with them anymore. How do I stay friends with these people in my current season of life?
You’re in luck, kids, because I’ve got one of our favorite married ladies here to help me answer this question.
That’s right, Stephanie is BACK!
And as two gals in different seasons, Steph and I both have suggestions for staying friends, even though our lives don’t look the same. For example, you can talk to some of your closer friends about the pain you feel—if you open up to them, they can help you navigate future conversations and maybe tone down the marriage/baby talk.
Or you can take a bike ride and get lost in a field of cows.
That’s what Steph and I do.
Married and wondering if you can keep those single friends? Check out my first post on the topic:
Balancing Marriage and Friendship: Ask Joy
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Preach it lady!
single friends could volunteer to babysit for the married friends with kids. then when the mom comes home, the single friend that was babysitting could tell the mom all the cute things the kids did when she was out for the evening. how’s that for new conversation between the 2 friends.!
Yes – I love all the funny things my friends kids say. And then I try to get them to call me mom. (-: jk.
Great job on answering this, Joy and Stephanie. I really do think it is perspective. When we as singles are longing for marriage and children (or anything else), then marriage and children (or anything else we don’t have that someone else has) stick out like a sore thumb.
Finding contentment where we’re at and with what God has for us in the now helps us to see we are blessed too, just in different ways. And that perspective makes it easier to be happy for others who have what you would like (…and listen to them talk about it 😀 ).
Exactly! Thanks Sarah. (My mom spells her name with an “h” too.)
Okay, I’m a dude…and I’m old…so I’m not necessarily the demographic for these videos and posts, but I enjoy the fun banter and practical advice. (Plus I have daughters in this demo, and my wife and I find ourselves mentoring young couples often, so it’s always helpful to get fresh perspectives.)
I’d add that this is definitely not just a girl thing. Guys getting together can also be super focused (dare I say, obsessed?) on whatever it is they’re going through in their season of life. I rarely give advice unless I’m directly asked for it, but when I do, the reoccurring theme in my answers is: “This is a season.” “This is just a season.” “You’ll discover this is a season…” When we’re young, it feels like the situation we’re in right now is going to last FOREVER. But aging has taught me, life keeps moving and changing…thankfully!!! (See also: mullets and muscle pants.)
I think no matter what season we’re in, learning to be sensitive and inclusive in a community or social situation is always a good idea. Sometimes we just get to busy telling our stories that we forget to pay attention to others and listen to them.
Anyway, thanks for all the work you put in on this. Keep up the good work.
(P.S. the “gal” thing killed me. I was saying to myself, “she sure says ‘gal’ a lot” and then Stephanie called you out. Funny! I love that you laugh at yourself.)
Curt! I love it all. Please feel free to comment and contribute your wisdom anytime. I love that you are mentoring and if you haven’t checked out The Illumination Project yet, you are JUST the type of person that I pray picks up a copy. https://www.loveandrespectnow.com/theilluminationproject
Thank YOU for the work you and your wife are doing.
This is so true. And, the older you get the worse it can get (just a warning). Not all married women will be like this, but it’s a serious problem.
I got married at 38 – for the first time – (yeah, don’t utterly despair), so I went through a lot being single. Now I’m married with no kids, and guess what? Ladies with kids sometimes struggle with knowing what to do with me. I love kids, but, yeah, I like to talk about other things too. They are not my life, frankly. I don’t have any. But, I have found some friends who have kids who are able to converse about both their kids AND other subjects. I’ve learned to gravitate to them and the older women who aren’t so focused on kids any more. I don’t know how to approach the unapproachable ones yet, other than to pray for them.
Just a thought here, though. Take a look at the ladies you know who are struggling with infertility or don’t have kids for some reason. My sister-in-law and I both married “older” and neither of us have kids. Because of our empathy with singles and not having children, I think we tend to take our responsibility to singles more seriously. One of our best friends is single and we’ve both been there for her when she was slogging through the pity parties and just done what we could to encourage her in the Lord. We make a point of trying to include her it things we know she will appreciate. I think that married women without children and single women can understand each other’s hurt a little better than some and we should be reaching out to each other more in the body of Christ. Then we should be reaching out to the mothers to remind them that we’re all in the body of Christ and All have valid roles. In fact, I wrote at some length on that subject last February. It’s a real burden on my heart that these walls exist where they ought not to within the church.
You and I are from pretty different backgrounds/perspectives, but I really enjoy watching most of your videos (honesty here). It gives me food for thought, at least, but also I find myself really agreeing or appreciating your points on some things. I also appreciate that you talk about topics that people around me (as a single) were so ignorant of, and frankly I felt like they didn’t care, they just wanted to “fix it” for me. Thank God, I had a very supportive family!
Keep looking unto Jesus. (Heb. 12)
Let me rephrase that last bit, I felt like *some* of them didn’t care that much. Others I’m guessing didn’t know how to address the issues and/or were too busy to give it much thought. I don’t remember very many who really asked and wanted to know how I thought or felt about my situation. Even those closest to me sometimes stumbled over the subject. I’m sure some of them were afraid of hurting me, but didn’t realize they were hurting me by not asking.
I have an issue that is a little different and I am admittedly a little bitter…:(. All of my friends are long time friends, have had them for years. I was married in 2008 and had no children and moved out of state. I recently was divorced and moved back home and have been back in contact with all of my friends. I did keep in contact with a close few while I was gone. It has been about 3 years I have been back and while social media is nice and sweet and fun, to keep in touch, I feel there is no substance and none of my friends have made any effort to truly comfort me, see me, make plans with me, nothing. It feels like everyone is so absorbed in their own lives that there is no effort to really take care of me as their friend who is really broken and lost in moving back and not knowing how to re-connect. It seems like there is some duty for them to say “hey we need to get together and try to bring Molly out with us”, or we have husbands who have single friends? I don’t know…I may be way off base…I just can’t imagine if I were in their shoes not doing something. Am I wrong?
Andrea (@AndreaAdella) thinks...
It’s so important for single people to feel free to hang out with married friends, learn from them, and not resent them for being in a different life stage. It’s also important for married friends to stay connected with single friends and their lives, learn to identify with them and their different life stage, and work at having fun without their husband and kids. I so cherish my married girl friends who invite me to their homes and let me hang out with their little family. I also understand that when I ask a married friend with kids to do something with me, they’ll probably say no a lot. But I keep asking and have grace for them–because they’re my friend and I care about them!
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