Hey Joy,
I’m a Ph.D. student from Oxford and I really desire to be married, but I feel like my academic achievements intimidate men. Does this mean I just have to act like a dumb blonde in order to find a man?
– Lonely in the Library
_________
Lonely in the Library,
I feel you, lady.
Well, I mean, I barely graduated from college and I got kicked out of the National Honor Society in high school, but I understand that whole thing about your accomplishments being intimidating to guys.
In case you forgot, I try to help people in their marriages and relationships.
Guys loooooove that.
I once had a guy say to me, “I have to be honest; because of what you do, the idea of going on a date with you is less than appealing.”
But here’s the thing I do know: there are amazing men out there who understand that having an energetic, intelligent, hard-working, nurturing (and, dare I say, Proverbs 31) woman as a wife will only benefit them. It doesn’t scare them. And there are amazing women out there who have their Ph.D.s and are CEOs of huge companies, but they know how to treat their husband like a man, instead of as an employee or honor society dropout.
Here are a few more of my thoughts to get the discussion going, but I want to hear yours, too.
From my standardized-test-hatin’ heart,
Joy
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Thanks Paul! Super insightful and honest feedback from a dude’s point of view. Thank you. I think you are right on about prioritizing time and I feel like I have been on the receiving from men who are too busy for a relationship. Ironically I’ve been there myself: https://loveandrespectnow.com/2014/04/relationships-or-career-how-to-become-an-expert-at-both/
I think all of us need to prioritize what it is we really want, and if relationship is one of those things, we will need to move some things around on our calendar!
As a preacher’s daughter, I get it. Most guys aren’t racing to see who can get to the preacher’s daughter first. Yikes, who could blame them!
I think it all comes down to how we treat each as male and female, as two individuals with gifts,talents, and purpose. The dynamics are different today, but the truth in Ephesians
5 still hold true. We value each of our roles as male and female when treat each other with respect and love.
If she is showing respect to these men and treating them as unique individuals with value, then she should in no way feel bad about her accomplishments.
Exactly Jennifer! The sad thing is that I think a lot of men miss out on amazing women because they fear that academic or business success will contribute to them being unneeded or not being admired by the woman they love. So I think it paralyzes some guys and that makes me sad!
You’re right! It’s so sad! I think that’s why it’s super important to be sensitive to how we come across to each other, recognizing the insecurities that may be present. If a guy feels he can offer nothing of value to a relationship with a woman-she’s has it all covered- then why would he want to be in the relationship. Yet, a woman should be able to feel proud of her accomplishments without shame. It really is a complicated thing.
As a less-than-stellarly-educated guy married to a very educated woman, I wholeheartedly agree with the points you made. I’m fortunate to have married someone who sees that our identity is not in our accomplishments or talents. We both bring different things to the party and often balance each other out.
I think men and women both have the ability to use their strengths as points of pride that can be off-putting or repellant to the opposite sex. Sometimes I feel like people hide behind things to soften the blow of rejection. They say things like, “Guys can’t handle the fact that I’m smarter than them.” when in truth they act like a pretentious jerk and who wants to be around that? It deflects the blame for why things don’t work out. Guys do the same thing, “She dumped me because I don’t make enough money.” No, actually, YOU’RE the one hung up on how much you make and you let it define who you are. (or maybe she just realized that you’re thirty years old and your mom still makes your bed and does your laundry). Your point to look at yourself and take honest inventory of the vibe you’re putting off is spot on.
Anyway, I didn’t really add anything significant to this conversation, but wanted to say “Here, here!” (or is it, “Pip-pip!”? I have no idea what those things mean (didn’t go to Oxford), but I think it means I enthusiastically agree with what you said).
Right on!!
Pip Pip!
Curt your additions were fantastic! You stated things much clearer than I fear my video might have been (I was getting very cold hence the north pole jacket). I couldn’t agree more about the defense mechanism and that’s why I talk about how us labeling people as “crazy” or “Jerk” is easy because it makes sense of why we were rejected.
Your comment about the not making enough money reminded me of this video I did: https://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/02/ask-joy-material-girls-in-a-material-world/
And I always say, “I think my job turns guys off….but it also may be my personality.” (-:
I think for me the harder part was finding a woman intelligent enough, no offense to all the awesome people I didn’t date haha. I think drive and ambition and smarts are all attractive qualities, and the guys who are intimidated by those things would likely make horrible partners.
Imagine if your relationship were a business, and in some ways it is, why would you hire a crap worker just to make yourself look better. That carries an emotional benefit, but it doesn’t make you any more successful.
I think the idea of dumbing yourself down sort of defeats the purpose of contributing to a relationship in the first place. The hope is to be two successful people bringing out the most in each other through challenging differences. If you have to set the bar lower to be with someone, you’ve got a relationship with backward intentions and likely a shorter lifespan.
Stay smart! Please do it for the other guys like me desperate for someone with a little common sense and some ambitious lofty goals! We need more smart women. Period. Don’t sell yourself short, it’s not doing anyone any good. You wouldn’t settle on a dumb job, don’t settle on a dumb relationship.
Thank you Julian – very encouraging and logical! On behalf of all of us “intimidating” women, could you please speak up to men out there who might not see it the way you do? Many of us long to find a man who is excited about who God created us to be, not fearful of it. (Said while twirling my hair on my finger and making bubbles with my bubble gum.)
My husband is a mechanic and I am an optometrist. We got married a whopping 3 months ago (go us!). Shane has told me that one of the things that INTRIGUED him about me was my drive, passion, and desire to achieve great things. He said that the fact that I set a goal in middle school to become an eye doctor and then ACTUALLY achieved it was one of the biggest initial appeal factors. He said that so many girls he knows “sayyyy” they’re going to do something, but then when push comes to shove, it’s “too hard” or “it didn’t work out (aka they didn’t work for it).” Shane also set a goal- he decided to become a mechanic, went to school for it, and is now a super hardworking provider for our family. Sure, I make three times as much money as he does, but I also have twelve times as much student debt as he does.
When I start popping out babies in a few years, Shane will likely be the sole breadwinner, and I totally trust him to provide because he has that same drive, passion, and desire to achieve great things. We even started our own photography and videography business when we got back from our honeymoon!
It’s not about how much money you make or how many letters are after your name- it’s a heart issue. At our budget meeting (thanks Dave Ramsey!), it is “our money,” not his and hers. I don’t have more of a say in how we spend OUR money just because my paycheck is bigger than Shane’s. God called Shane to be a mechanic for His glory, and He called me to be an optometrist for His glory. We make a great team 🙂
ps- thanks for the awesome videos!
Paul thinks...
This video prompted me to have a look through my Facebook friends list and realise that I know at least six women with doctorates, all around my age (late 20s / early 30s) and also a number of women who have or are pursuing masters, all academically senior to my own bachelors. Of the PhD group, two are married.
While I have met people who can have an attitude about their education, I’ve not seen than in many of the women I know, and it forced me to think – what are some of the other things it might be? Then, having known some of the women while they were in the middle of their study, I realised: post-graduate degrees and doctorates in particular are hard and take a *lot* of work. The women I know are all very intelligent, of course, but no matter how smart you are at a practical level it’s a time-consuming thing. And being driven enough to do a PhD, these women have all been attracted to demanding fields.
So I’d suggest taking a look at how you use your time, making sure that God gets primary attention, and then that you can make sufficient time available for others in general and a particular guy when he shows up. Don’t overdo it of course; I know myself I respect women who are active with their time, and I wouldn’t want to take away from great things God is doing through them.
The flip side is that to win a girl’s heart I don’t want to feel like I have to constantly fight for her time, especially not for extended periods. If our lives aren’t aligned in a way that allows us to easily spend time together, and the potential of a relationship isn’t enough to motivate us to change some priorities and make the time, how can it work? This is a particular focus for me since my primary love language is quality time; if you can’t make any available, it simply isn’t going to work. For other guys it’s not quite as much of a problem but at the end of the day, relationships do take time.
Just as a footnote I’ll add that of the six, I’m only a little intimidated by one of those PhD women, and not because of her intelligence per se. She completed a science-based PhD and then went back to school to complete a medical degree, realising that being a medical doctor was where she was supposed to be. She can leave the majority of men in the dust on a road bike, me included. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to keep up with someone that driven. But lest anyone think less of her character, in so far as I know her, she is genuinely humble, generous and fun to be around. When my house got badly flooded a few years ago as part of a serious city-wide flood, she was one of the people who came to help clean up, mop and bucket in hand, for which I will always be grateful. If and when she does get married, I’m pretty sure she and her husband will make a powerhouse team.
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