Joy,
Many of my divorced friends had wives that cheated on them. From a woman’s perspective, what warning signs should I be looking for during the dating process that would be indicative of a woman that might do that?
Joel
_______
Joel,
Even though I am a lady (thanks for noticing) my answer in the video below is based on some things I think both men AND women can be aware of as we navigate the search to find someone who will be faithful to us in marriage.
One thing that I always, always, always advise people to do is live their relationships in the light. In fact, that’s how The Illumination Project got its name! Whether we are single, married or dating, we need trusted people in our lives who can see what is going on – people with whom we are open and honest about what’s really going on.
Even if those trusted people are annoying with their questions and involvement in your relationship, I say, let them. It’s a lot less annoying than going to see a divorce lawyer.
It might be hard, but try not to let your fears of unfaithfulness or the stories you’ve heard paralyze you as you move toward getting to know someone. More on that, along with some additional things you can do as a husband or wife, in the video (and my attempt at the analogy about seeing the forest for the trees, but I always screw up phrases like that.)
So take your black kettle and call the pot before your chickens come home to roost and you count them.
Right?
_______
From my heart,
Joy and the little piggies
P.S. Your day just got a whole lot better, didn’t it?
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Wow – I’m so sorry to hear you went through that Tammy. It does often happen that people become paranoid or obsessive about areas they themselves struggle. He projected onto you the very thing he does and that’s not fair and again, I’m sorry. There’s hope for all of us to change, but from the sound of it, you were wise to not continue on.
I think it also helps to realize that anyone can cheat, including yourself, and choosing to invest and make decisions to guard against that all the while choosing trust (love always trusts) rather than fear. Use wisdom and patience to find a person who knows how to commit, and be willing to forgive.
Good words Bethany — thank you!
You really hit the nail on the head when you talked about the woman becoming vulnerable because of the guy’s actions or inaction. Based on my observations and (unfortunately) experience, us guys have to learn how to be more open with our feelings. (Boys don’t have feelings. They have muscles. – Homer Simpson). My last relationship went bad because I tend to keep things to myself. She felt emotionally isolated and ended up going to another guy to fulfill her emotional needs. That led to other things.
The Love and Respect book talks about it in chapter 10 and 20 (I know I bring this book up a lot but it’s such a great reference). Guys tend to shut down emotionally. We are taught at a young age that men don’t cry; we deal with it. That doesn’t work in relationships. We have to open up and talk about things; be a little vulnerable. I have also found myself on the other end of this emotional infidelity. I had a female friend whose husband got too comfortable and busy to talk every day. He slowly detached himself emotionally from the relationship (again, talked about in chapter 10. Guys open up during dating and stop opening up once married). She was coming to me for that emotional fulfillment that she craved. Once I realized what was happening, I started pushing her back toward her husband, and I had a conversation with her husband about him opening up to her. Having had that happen to me before, I didn’t want to see it happen to them, and I didn’t want to be a participant.
Obviously there are other reasons for infidelity; some people are just scumbags, but more often than not it starts with emotional needs going unfulfilled.
Nathan – thanks for a solid male perspective. My father should hire you! I think you highlighted perfectly what can often happen. I think going back to, “How did I treat this person when we dated” is always a good reminder of what will most likely meet the other person’s deepest needs. And that usually begins with remembering that this person was our friend who we trusted and opened up to, not our enemy that we shut out.
Keep spreading the L&R word!
I get weary of hearing about how ladies stray because their needs aren’t met as if it’s all the guy’s fault. Men are not mind readers. If need is never expressed, we don’t know. If I cheated on my wife because my desire for her physically wasn’t being met, blame would rightly be placed on me because of my choice. The same approach should apply to ladies and emotional affairs. Men aren’t immune to emotional affairs, either.
Helpful, insightful, witty as usual..thank you, Joy! You always brighten my day!
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Tammy thinks...
Wise words Joy. I dated a guy who treated me like I was going to cheat on him because he had been cheated on. It didn’t help that I found out after a few months that he had cheated on both of his wives. Had I been living “in the light” with that relationship, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I’m am grateful that the relationship ended early but I wonder how many people go through with marriage because they think being with someone is better than being single. While I may still care for this guy and want what’s best for him, it doesn’t mean I would want to “be” with him. Just my 2 cents. 🙂
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