So I have this friend Billy who does not believe in dating. He says there are no examples in the bible to give us grounds for modern dating, therefore what’s the point?
-Nate
Oh Billy, there are also no examples of eating ice cream in the bible, so what’s the point of going to Dairy Queen?
But seriously…
The purpose of dating is to get married — which is in fact something that we see clearly in Scripture; this is God’s design and heart for relationships.
What we call the pre-marriage state is not the issue, but the question to challenge ourselves with is…
…are we living obediently to what we do see in Scripture?
Proverbs 18:22 says, “A man who finds a wife finds a good thing.”
Call it what you want: dating, courting or Facebook stalking, but sitting at home on your couch will not help you find a wife.
We have choices when it comes to romantic relationships, but choice takes risk.
Let me challenge you Nate, as a friend, to ask Billy if there is a deeper fear of risk-taking.
From one ice cream lover to another,
Joy
What ways do think dating helps prepare for marriage?
How do you balance being wise with taking a risk?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
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Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Yes, I agree. Although the original email was much longer and Billy’s attitude towards dating was far more extensive, at least according to his friend. It opened up the doors for my snarkiness. Hopefully done in a loving and respectful challenge. (-:
Oh, Joy. I love you. And your glasses. And your twinkies/dog shows/sound advice.
Although I have to say…that tree doesn’t look very comfortable.
I am not thinking the white shirt and shorts do well with trees either.
It was a “risk” I was willing to take.
It twas NOT.
I have heard this many times with both genders; I also find it very immature. Both get married and date, or don’t. The whole “I am waiting on God to drop my spouse in my lap” is equally immature but I find more women than men comment with this answer. Is this because there are so very few “Men” who are actively pursuing women?
I do love the account of Issac and Rebekah in Gen 24:62-67*. Here is where a man and a woman have never met before are married and have no unrealistic expectations. It had to be encouraging for her to find her future husband “In the field meditating;” I am totally assuming he was meditating on God’s word, but my hermeneutics is a bit rusty. Then Isaac who had never seen her and Rebekah had never seen him were married. How encouraging would that be to have a spouse dedicated to a marriage in such a way.
What ways do think dating helps prepare for marriage?
Personally I am not sure how dating helps you prepare for marriage; as I have dated, married divorced and now dating again. The issues we experienced in marriage were not covered in pre-marital counseling, they were more maturity issues we both had to work through and did not know how to properly go through or process them. I now purchase the Love $ Respect DVDs and Financial Peace University for every couple of friends when they get married; these awesome tools don’t cover everything you will come across in marriage, but WOW the foundations in communications you get from them are priceless!
How do you balance being wise with taking a risk?
Balancing wisdom and risk is hard to evaluate which is why it is very important you build a friendship before you build a relationship. Take it slow, or make a decision and get out of the boat. I have more friends who were married within a month of meeting and are doing just fine, but I have friends who have dated for years and are doing just as fine; have a few that crashed and burned in both camps too. Boils down to a decision folks; how committed to Christ are you, are you focused on loving Christ through your spouse or are you committed to your own “Happiness?”
*Gen 24:62-67; 62 Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. 63 He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. 64 Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel 65 and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”
“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.
66 Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. 67 Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
Yea to Financial Peace University! Hope you caught this by Dave’s daughter Rachel last week.
And your example in Genesis is a great “love at first site” situation – the important thing to note is they both seemed to have a mutual interest, not to mention a third party involved. We probably don’t have all the details, but it is a cool story!
“Is that a scroll or an e-mail you’re sending?” Nice response!
I bet you or Rhett could come up with a few more. Go!
“Do you drive a car? I’m pretty sure Jesus walked.”
False; he drove on occasion, he just didn’t like to talk about it much. From the NIV, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”—Jesus
Well done, good and faithful. Best comment.
Unicorns are in the Bible! (as long as you read the KJV anyway) Look it up peeps–Job 39:9
oh yes, that I know. However there was no mention of them on the ark. As far as I know…
I woke up this morning with the thought on my mind “What’s the balance between Casual and Serious Dating?” – I think that dating is definitely for marriage but to enter every first date with marriage on the mind seems toxic to me. How does one find the balance of going on dates to just enjoying the time spent getting to know each other with out freaking out over leading someone on/if you could see yourself married to them? I’m figuring that Communication is a HUGE part in this, but would love to hear more insight. 🙂
Here is what I think your two real questions are:
1) “How does one find the balance of going on dates (“serious”) to just enjoying the time spent getting to know each other (“casual”) with out freaking out over leading someone on/if you could see yourself married to them?”
And
2) “to enter every first date with marriage on the mind seems toxic to me.” I will rephrase this as “How do you get to know someone deeply and authentically without assuming you will marry them?” And, “Are you open and willing for them to know you deeply and authentically without assuming they will marry you”?
Here are my thoughts:
I think the question of “casual” vs “serious” dating assumes that one is alone in the process, making all informed decisions without input from others. The idea of a meeting someone new through “casual” or “serious” dating shouldn’t be as much the focus as seeking wisdom and community, and allowing one’s authentic self to be known. A big part of communication is making sure words and actions match, and that one doesn’t manipulate others or allow others to manipulate them. If this is done with respect, then the measure of “casual” vs “serious” should be more clear and less of a worry. Part of the process is verbally communicating each person’s current level of commitment, which should help remove any confusion and aims to honor the other person in the relationship by helping to keep words and actions matched, and both people on the same page. When each person understands clearly to which degree the other is committed to the relationship, they each are less worried about “leading someone on,” because they are already showing the other person they are honest in both words and actions.
So, seek wisdom from others, be authentic with whomever you date, communicate your level of commitment often (or periodically), don’t expect more from your date (or the relationship) than you are willing to give, and remember that men often take more time to process their feelings or level of commitment, so give them as much space/time as they need. Don’t try to run the whole relationship on your own schedule (a common mistake some women make, and a big source of miscommunication.) It is his relationship as well, so give him any space/time he needs to decide his level of commitment to you.
I’m not sure how well this answers your questions, but I hope it helps!
I’d like to hear other thoughts as well.
Thanks so much for responding! I feel like you really did capture a big part of what I was trying to get across with my question and help bring light to some thoughts floating in the back of my head.
A) Perhaps the term “dating” is the hang up. That term has achieved a negative connotation in legalistic circles. If it’s the buzz word you reject, beware. Sharks there be- in them waters.
B) Call it what you want, there must be time(s) to be vulnerable in order to establish trust verify common worldviews, discuss unicorns, etc…
“I don’t want to lead someone on’. THEN DON’T. People that say this is are using it as a cop out. A I am such a relationship martyr here. If you think someone might think this, chances are your leading them on. You are trying to defend yourself and protect yourself. Self self self self self. Instead of adding legitimate communication to the relationship-be it friendship, marriage, whatever. Sometimes I watch these videos and think, its way more beautiful than this. Its a heart thing. Its not a formula. People love to use old testament examples of relationships. WHY? can you not see how relationships have changed since Jesus? How vulnerable and deeply intimate and awesome they are. I can’t think of one in the Bible specifically that was a great, loving, desirable, marriage. NONE. And thats the awesome part!
Courtney thinks...
I think “our friend Bill” might not believe in dating, but the term courtship (i.e. Johsua Harris, Eric and Lesile Ludy, Elizabeth Elliot, etc) the idea that a man would get to know a young women and then go to her father and ask for his permission to get to know her more, and if he says yes, and She says yes then they begin a courtship. But I think you said it best it is not what you call it, but how you do it.
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