Alece was the first person I became friends with on Twitter who I then actually met in person. So far it’s the closest thing I have experienced to online dating, and I was so nervous that I brought my friend Lindsay with me. Just to make sure that Alece wasn’t a serial killer.
Turns out, she wasn’t.
Our friendship has blossomed from 140-character tweets to something of depth, love, and a mutual understanding of questions and pain. But I’ll let her tell the rest of the story and hope it brings illumination to some of your questions.
My husband was having an affair. I knew it, but I couldn’t prove it.
Initially, I just felt uneasy about his friendship with her, and the ways he’d gravitate toward her rather than me in group settings. But when I brought it up, he responded with such brash defensiveness, that I became even more convinced that something was amiss.
When I found emails and notes between them saying things like “I love you” and “I miss you”, he denied their inappropriateness—”If you have a best friend, I can have a best friend”—and dismissed me as being jealous and paranoid. He told me I was being disrespectful for accusing him of impropriety and not taking him at his word.
I remember sitting in bed one night when he came home.
“I got you something,” he said as he threw the book Love and Respect at me.
“Maybe this will teach you how to respect me like you should instead of accusing me of having an affair.” He turned and stormed out of the room.
Photo Credit: Branden Harvey
My already fragile heart fragmented even further. I sunk deeper into depression, feeling completely alone and powerless to bring about change in my marriage.
Eventually the truth came out.
When confronted with enough undeniable proof, he confessed to an eighteen month affair with my friend. And he ultimately chose to leave me and our ministry for her.
I was a wreck for a long time (that’s putting it mildly), left to pick up the tiny pieces that remained of my life. Somewhere during that time, I stumbled upon Joy online. While her last name should’ve been a clear giveaway, it wasn’t until we met at a Tweetup that I put two and two together.
“Ohhhhh, you’re that Eggerichs.”
For months, I couldn’t shake the thought that I should tell her about my experience with her Dad’s book. But I hesitated. I didn’t want to make her feel badly or for it to seem like I harbored ill feelings about their ministry.
My hope that Joy could shed some light on it all eventually won out, and I told her. What followed was a series of honest, open conversations that started in her blog comments, moved to texts, and eventually carried over into a face to face dialogue.
She let me ask hard questions, like what it means to show respect to your husband while he’s having an affair.
And she patiently brought me back to the truth of Scripture. She gently helped me see the ways respect was manipulated and even used against me as a defensive cover-up for sinful behavior. She lovingly taught me that respect is never earned or deserved, but yet we are each called upon to extend it.
A lightbulb went on when she told me that respect doesn’t mean condoning evil behavior, but it’s an attitude and a response in the midst of doing what you know to be right.
Because ultimately respect is about me and God, not about the other person.
Joy’s extension of friendship and her willingness to engage with me on such a tender and emotional subject spoke volumes to my heart. At a time when trust and vulnerability felt like a tremendous risk, she proved herself to be a trustworthy friend.
And she illuminated my heart to a growing understanding of Godly respect and strengthened my desire to be respectful in all things and to all people, even when calling out sin or standing up for myself or telling my story.
I still don’t fully get it. But I strive to continue to grasp it.
And I hope Joy’s prepared for a lifetime of heart-level conversations with me. Because I’ve got lots more questions just waiting to be asked.
Why do you think we associate showing unconditional respect with respecting or condoning evil behavior?
Have you ever challenged someone or stood up for yourself and still honored or respected the person but not the behavior? What happened?
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I am so grateful I connected with Joy, too. She really helped open my heart to a message I’d shut down to because of how it had been presented to me previously. I’m still learning what it means to respect someone even when I disagree with their actions, and how to show that well. Grateful for those who come alongside to help me on my journey.
And I’m so looking forward to finally getting to meet you! Bring it on, STORY!
alece, my jaw DROPPED when he threw that book at you! and then i thought of some choice words. how ironic someone to attempt to wield respect like a weapon against someone they were actively wounding and disrespecting.
i think we do need to treat everyone with respect but actually having respect for someone is another matter. i respect people whose character i admire. there are people whom i do not respect, but that doesn’t permit me to demonstrate rudeness. i believe that we called to enemy-love and that respect is earned.
I can see now how he was using manipulative sleight-of-hand in his own scrambling to keep his affair hidden. we can become so wrapped up in deception that we deceive even ourselves. i know he was in that place. i know he still is. and it breaks my heart.
I’m still trying to grasp showing respect versus having respect for someone. and if the two can be mutually exclusive or not. I’m wondering if Joy could pipe in on this one a bit more…
Heeeeeyyyy Jooooooyyyyy! Come play with us in the comments!
Heyyyyy you guuyyysss, I’m heeeere.
This is a really important question. Showing vs. Having and something I have struggled with as I have endured my own fair share of figuring out what to do with people who have wounded and even abused me (I don’t use that word lightly) and do not DESERVE respect at all.
Earning someone’s respect is something that as human beings we inherently desire if we are decent human beings, but what I will just touch on is the intimate male and female relationship of husband and wife. I explain it more in this post but L&R research (and secular research) shows that men and women, husbands and wives can have the same conflict, but 83% of men left the conflict feeling disrespected and 72% of women left the conflict feeling unloved. I believe Scripture gives us instructions on the deepest need of our spouse to help empower us. So, if anything will motivate someone to change, it will be by giving them a gift of meeting their deepest need which, if anything will bring them under conviction. Does it work? No, but that’s the tool God gives us to do the radical thing. Where we have gotten things messed up is in thinking that by showing respect it means we go passive. Nope.
Here’s the thing, none of us have to do this. It’s our choice. But we have to discern between which people are simply evil, and which people are good willed, but are living in disobedience and need to be challenged with unconditional love or respect because we are the ones who have the strength to do so. Here’s an example I gave a long time ago to a woman who had an alcoholic husband.
1 Peter says that wives have the power to win their “disobedient” husbands by their respectful behavior. For whatever reason we have twisted this to think that Peter is saying that wives condone their disobedient husbands behavior, but what from I have learned it seems the opposite to be true. Scripture is saying these men are DISOBEDIENT, i.e. they don’t deserve any hand outs. And yet, Peter is saying, if anyone has the power to bring him back to truth, it may just be the wife. Have you ever had someone who you know could call you out on something not shame you, but rather they leave you alone, they don’t even have an attitude towards you and you are left with your convictions? It’s not fun.
And the reality is, sometimes it’s a lose lose. If someone is going to continue making choices that break the covenant bond of marriage, they will try to twist and manipulate and throw things back in your face whether you are going quiet or stay in their face. So then we are left with a decision. Regardless of how this person behaves, how am I going to behave?
Scripture tells wives they can have power through giving a gift by speaking (or not speaking) in a respectful manner because that has power over a man. And God told Hosea to “go love an adulterous woman…” when his wife broke their covenant over and over. I’m not condoning affairs by any means, rather I think it’s important for us to pay attention to the words in which God says will give us power. That way, when someone twists them, we can know the difference.
I had a man tell me that I was being disrespectful to manipulate me. I fell for it for awhile, but finally took it to my parents and said, “Is this really being disrespectful?” They showed me how he too was twisting Scripture. It’s after situations like this that we then have to remember passages like the one my mother often tells me, “If our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God.” 1 John
And then, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says…
You have so much wisdom, my friend. Thank you for this.
woah, I just wrote another blog I think… Below Alece’s comment is some expanded thoughts that goes along with what you said.
I cannot express enough how much I *LOVE* this post. I have recently been right where you were. I, too, know the pain you have experienced. The *knowing* that something not right was going on, but getting constant denials or “it doesn’t mean anything” then to find out that it did. Trying to continue to show respect and godly submission to a husband who constantly disrespected me by continuing in online emotional affairs for months after telling me nothing was going on. Then being confronted with concrete proof that it was more than online affairs after he abandoned his family, moved out, and progressed to actual affairs. I’ve learned that you can’t submit to a person who isn’t submitted to God. And you don’t have to allow disrespect to continue. And you’re right, extending godly respect to a person who has shown incredible callousness and disrespect to you is HARD. It takes much, much, much prayer. After praying and seeking counsel from godly people I trusted, I confronted my husband about his initial emotional infidelity and disrespect in a letter, and told him I would still support him if he chose to repent and truly give his life to God and commit to our marriage. He chose to walk away and commit adultery instead. But I know that I did everything that I possibly could to try to salvage what he had destroyed.
“respect doesn’t mean condoning evil behavior, but it’s an attitude and a response in the midst of doing what you know to be right.” I love this quote, and I think it is key to answering your question about equating unconditional respect with respecting or condoning evil behavior. I’ve seen this first hand in the response of his family to what he has done. I don’t think it has so much to do with giving him unconditional respect as it does with just wanting to not confront the issues and pretend there isn’t a problem. Confronting someone is messy and difficult and can lead to irreparably broken relationships if the other person isn’t repentant. I know. So a lot of times people will ignore or enable the evil behavior because THEY don’t want to be uncomfortable.
That’s been my experience, anyway.
Thank you for sharing some of your own journey and experiences with this, Nancy. I so appreciate your openness…
I’m really sorry this has been your experience. This stuff is always messy but it sounds like you did what you could. I wrote Alece some more of my thoughts in the comment that looks like a novel. (-: It might give you more to chew on…
Thanks for writing!
Loved this post! Thank you for sharing it! I can relate all to well. My ex-husband left me and our ministry we had. He used scripture against me to as a way to justify what he was doing to me. Thank you for sharing this and showing someone like me that I am not alone.
You are definitely not alone, Tiffany.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s hard to give out love or respect with faced with this kind of abuse of it. I think a lot of the misunderstanding with unconditional respect is the same as we get with unconditional love. The unconditional part is on the that of the giver not the receiver. The giver gives unconditionally no matter what the object is. God gives his love unconditionally even though the thing receiving it, us, does not warrant that. But God, at the same time, does not ignore sin. In fact, He recognizes sin because he loves us. So the unconditional part of love does not ignore sin nor does it condone but seeks its remedy because of its love.
C.S. Lewis, I think, puts it best: “Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal.”
Perhaps it functions the same way with respect, I’m sure Joy can chime in here: Perfect respect can forgive and offer respect in spite of all sin or failings, but it cannot cease to will their removal.
We love, and respect, because He first loved us. And our love and respect is best when it most imitates His.
Thank you again, Alece, for sharing. I can’t imagine going through that, and reading stories like this makes me very angry at people who choose to abuse the love and respect offered freely to them. The hardest part is learning to continue to offer that love and respect after being hurt with it. God bless.
So appreciated hearing your thoughts here, Douglas. You unpacked that really well. Thank you.
It makes me angry when people abuse this message too! They will have to answer to God.
I did chime in ont he comment that is the length of a book. It will give you more of my thoughts. Thanks Douglas.
That was an awesome read!!!! Sorry for what you went through Alece, but so grateful for the lesson you had learned & the friend (Joy) that you gained! Through your trials in this, you are teaching me how to grow! Thank you…in my prayers for more growth & I pray it doesn’t hurt so much…
Thank you, Donald!
I can’t imagine the reaction I would’ve had if the book had been thrown at me… I definitely think we misunderstand what respect looks like. I think part of respecting someone is being willing to confront and challenge sin. I also think it’s imperative to remember that disagreement (with the right attitude) does not equal disrespect.
Agreed! I think we’ve really misunderstood what showing unconditional anything looks like. We equate it with being weak. I just wrote a long response with added thoughts in the comments if you want to check them out for more of my thougths.
YES! “disagreement (with the right attitude) does not equal disrespect.” — so so good, Steph.
Alece! I remember seeing several of your posts on Joy’s blog more than a year ago. I remember reading the hurt, the struggle, the humor and the pain in your posts. And then your comments were no more. I wondered, what happened? Wow !! I’m so sorry! What an incredible painful process! Thank you for your courage. Bravo for connecting with Joy. Kudos to you for sharing your story with us. I have to say “Wow” again! Have you seen the pearl emerging from your suffering? It looks beautiful from here! And what is that smell? Is that the scent of roses left on the heels of your crusher? You smell amazing from here! I’m applauding your resilience, tenacity and willingness to press into the unfamiliar world of respect literally thrown at you. I’m still learning how to walk in it all and through it all. Though it wasn’t thrown at me, I do seek out a wiser understanding of respect with the Eggerichs’ pages often. I appreciate the timing of your illumination too. Your story guides me in an uncomfortable confrontation I need to address with a sister in Christ. A discussion around sensitive stuff like identifying the lies that have been believed, the shame that has festered, bad decisions and sin that have followed. By the grace of God, I’m hoping to stir up a desire. A God honored desire of respect for herself and for the people in her influence. I don’t know how it will turn out. But I care for her enough to take the risk. Blessings to Joy, Alece and all the goodness y’all bring here!
Thank you for this huge heart hug, Lisa!
Just so you know, Alece, I felt a little *tiny* piece of that moment. And my whole soul gasped. :'( I’m so sorry that happened to you.
ugh. i’m so sorry, friend. i hate that you get it… {love you.}
Hi Alece! I’ve been so busy the last two years with job changes and moving into our new home…blah, blah! I haven’t been on the grid as much lately, but I continue to be drawn to many stories being lived out and yours is one of them. The grace and humility in your words is refreshing!
Lynnette and I see this often in the parent child relationship. Our boys make a poor choice or get stuck in behavior pattern that’s not fruitful, and our response to it could be “why the hell did you do that?” or “well, that was a stupid choice!” That type of response seems to be consistent with our culture of shaming and bludgeoning someone when they fail. That also very much sounds like the space your husband was in, when he was in the wrong, but chose to shame you for your lack of respect towards him – simply, I think our response to the failings of people is indicative of our hearts position. A clean heart says to my son, “I’m sorry you chose that path, I love you very much, but this is the consequence.” To me, that’s showing respect. A muddy heart is going to shame my son for making a poor choice because deep down inside me, I’m still carrying the regrets of my poor choices. Ultimately, I free my son from my wrath and allow him to feel the consequences of his choices with the clean heart response. The result usually means a quicker path to humility in my son. And surprisingly, it gives us confidence because we didn’t sacrifice our integrity by condoning the poor choice or behavior.
wow, justin. this was so so good.
“I think our response to the failings of people is indicative of our hearts position.” YES. and the way you explained that playing out in your parent/child relationships was incredible. really makes it feel more practical and tangible. thank you!
{congrats on your new home! sorry it’s been so long since we’ve connected. hope we end up in the same place sometime soon. would be great to catch up with you and lynette!}
Thank you, Alece! Praying and believing with you! 🙂
I don’t think I knew I was your first, Joy. But I guess the fact that you brought your very-preggers-about-to-pop friend should’ve been my clue. I’m so glad you came that night. And I’m so very grateful for the friendship that’s grown since then. You are good for my heart in so many ways.
Thank you for the opportunity to share in this space. I don’t take that lightly at all…
Alece, thank you SO much for sharing your experience. I have no doubt God is using you to bless others who have been through similar experiences, such as myself!
Even though we weren’t married yet, my boyfriend at the time kept denying that anything was going on with my “friend”. I trusted both of them and I was so close to marry him and throw everything away for him. It all came out to light eventually. I confronted both of them about it since they were in denial until the very end, pretending to still care about me…Now they are a happy couple and hate me for confronting them with their sin (I tried to do in in the most loving and gentle way but I guess at times it might have been harsh). I keep praying daily to God to help me truly forgive both of them. It hurts so much though. In a way I blame myself for it all and I can’t understand why they are so blind. How can they do something like that and still call themselves Christians?!
How did you deal with the forgiveness, healing, and restoration process?
My heart aches for what you’ve been through, Jahaziel. I’m so sorry.
Forgiveness isn’t easy. For me it’s never been as simple as a once-off decision, but it’s one I must choose to make constantly. Right in the wake of it all, it was often a moment-by-moment choice. Over time, it’s been a decision I have to make again each time something happens that reopens the wound. When I find myself feeling hurt or sad or frustrated or angry over it, I know it’s time for me to forgive again. I so don’t want my heart to become bitter, and I know that forgiveness is the only thing that can dig up that root of bitterness.
For me, the greatest reminder (and challenge) to forgive comes when I am honest about my own need for forgiveness. That I am daily in as much need of divine grace and forgiveness as my ex and his new wife. When I start thinking of myself as better than him, or as less in need of grace, then I’m entering into a scary place of arrogance and judgment. Repentance and brokenness over my own failures and shortcomings helps my heart stay humble and more open to forgive and let go of the hurts others have caused me.
This is a hard one for me.. and a work in progress in my heart as well. Thank you, Alece and Joy for this post. I’m gonna be chewing on this for a while. 🙂
“work in progress” will be my lifelong mantra, girl. we’re in this thing together!
I have been marinating on the words respect and respectful. I think we can all be respectful and curteous to one another, but there is something deep about respect. Respect takes trust and character. I have a lot of respect for someone who I trust. It is easier to believe in those i trust as well. It is a no brainer to be able to respect someone when their actions/words back it up. I hate that so much trust was shattered for you in your marriage. I hate that respect is what became the issue, when trust was nonexistent. I hate that the demand for respect was forced on you when character was absent. Part of me risks to say that not respecting him was the right choice – honest choice. Lack of respect is a good indicator that something is off in deeper places. Not sure if any of this makes sense.
I love you and your heart so much.
i think that’s where i’ve been so challenged… because i’m called to respect him as a man even when i don’t respect his behaviors. NOT an easy separation of the two… and i’m still trying to grasp how to live it out.
{i love YOU, Tre. grateful for your friendship through this whole crazy journey.}
First of all, Alece, I love you and you’re amazing.
Secondly, it seems that the kind of people who use respect as a means to manipulate operate under the impression that to respect is to obey or comply. However, respect is the truest, deepest way to honor someone’s character. Respect says, “I see and acknowledge who you are and I honor that.” It’s not about coercing agreement, compliance or obedience. Conversely, when you honor someone’s integrity, these things are byproducts of that respect.
In it’s truest form (and without the abuse of it that Alece experienced), Respect is an empowering, liberating exchange in any relationship.
And a PS to that!
Ps: I think it’s entirely viable to ‘disrespect’ someone’s choices or actions but to find qualities in that person that are worth honoring. Even if it’s just one. Maybe the respect can start there.
yes mam! Well said on both comments. I have challenged people to the point of yelling at them, and yet they still felt respected because I would honor them for who I knew they were created to be or desired to be and spoke those words of truth along with my “calling them out.”
So much wisdom here, Cristi. Thank you thank you thank you! {Love you too, girl!!}
This was a great post. I recently went through a horrible trust/respect situation with a boyfriend I met on a Christian dating site no less! He manipulated me and was dating 8 other women at the same time as me and deep down I knew it. He completely denied it. Once I had proof and told him, he tried turning it around on me too! He still never admitted to his behavior and I broke things off. It’s sad that people just can’t be honest and open about their feelings….even if they may hurt someone. I think it’s better to be honest and hurt someone then to lie and lie and lie until you are in a web you can’t get out of. Thanks for your story and stay strong.
i’m so sorry for how he treated you, heather.
and i agree with you. i think when people start actively deceiving, they end up being deceived themselves. they get caught up in the web of lies and become held so tightly by their own deception that they don’t even know how to get out. and really all it takes is opening up their heart to allow grace to break them free…
1) Why do you think we associate showing unconditional respect with respecting or condoning evil behavior?
Not sure – I need help in that area.
2) Have you ever challenged someone or stood up for yourself and still honored or respected the person but not the behavior? What happened?
Yes. I was amazed at the surge of self worth, godly strength, and satisfaction I felt. I was not met with an angry explosion – instead it deflated the emotional reaction (almost like a whooosh of wind going out of sails). Honestly, even if there had been an emotional explosion, it would not have changed my stance or reaction.
PS. I also felt justified, empowered, and accomplished.
“Justified, empowered, and accomplished.” that’s so powerful. thank you for sharing your experience, jana.
Alece. Great insight.
I think that I found it easier to respect the gifts of the person who was sinning against me, than it was to say that I respected him as a person–even as a child of God. I could easily say to anyone, “He is brilliant at what he does. I am always amazed at how he thinks and by what he creates with his hands.” Ask me if I respected him as a man, there weren’t kind words floating to the top of my mind.
This is a great conversation to ponder awhile longer.
I appreciate that distinction, Lola. That helped me understand my own responses in a clearer light… Thank you.
Tony J. Alicea (@tonyjalicea) thinks...
Love this Alece. I’ve followed your story for the past couple of years and it always inspires me to see what God has taught you along the way.
Yes, respect is HUGE for men but it can also be used as a crutch to condone unreasonable behavior. I’m glad you were able to connect with Joy to get that perspective.
I’m super stoked to meet you next month at STORY! 🙂
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