Joy,
I have been friends with a guy for over three years. For the last 8 months, we have been officially dating. He has met some of my family, but he has not told any of his family or friends about me–nor does he think that’s a problem.
We are really good together when it’s just the two of us.
I want to go public with our relationship, but he doesn’t. I feel like he is hiding me.
Is this is a red flag? Should I say, “enough?”
– Maddison
_______
Hey Maddison,
What is your definition of official? What is his definition of official?
And if things are really good between the two of you, why do you think he won’t tell anyone about you guys? I think you know deep down that a “good” relationship wouldn’t be kept in the dark.
Also, Will Smith has some thoughts for you. Or rather, I have some thoughts that I let Will Smith inspire.
Hear that, and more. Trust me, there’s more.
_______
From my sing-songy heart,
Joy
P.S. Love the purse on the table? Check out my friend Liz and Ben’s company, Sseko Designs.
P.P.S. If you’re ever in Portland, you MUST visit Fried Egg I’m In Love. Order “The Joy” — it’s not on the menu, but it will blow your mind.
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Thanks Amanda! Yeah, it’s hard sometimes when you are so comfortable with someone to take steps back from what was to what should be. The boundaries you set sound wise and I assume you communicated your needs maturely – well done!
OUCH. #troof
haha nice hashtag.
I’ve got a word for this guy, but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to type on a public domain…I don’t have much patience for this kind of behavior.
Christ calls you His beloved. You are worth being introduced to family. You are worth so much more than this kind of behavior.
haha, yes. Thanks for your insight and restraint. What do you think of Nathan’s words?
Nathan has some good insight. I hope the second scenario is the case. Unfortunately, my gut reaction can *sometimes get the best of me. But if scenario one is the case, I just want to tell Maddison how beloved she is and encourage her to have the hard discussions and make hard choices based on her worth and not her feelings at the moment.
*most of the time…oops
I’m pretty sure I dated a close replica of that guy a few years ago. It was hard to be brave and break things off, but I am so glad that I did. I found out later that he was not forthright or honest at all. Hindsight and all that, I had friends telling me it was weird pretty early in the relationship (or whatever it was), and I knew the Lord had been prodding me to end things sooner too. Not listening to wise, caring friends was pretty lame; not listening to God was just dumb. I was way dumb!!
Maddison, don’t be scared! God is faithful, no matter the outcome: whether that’s a great DTR or a total breakup! You can do it! (Either, or both!)
*Also, when I finally broke up with that guy, the cold I’d had for six weeks went away and I no longer felt the need to cry at random things in life – it was magical!
Wow – That last line is so interesting. It’s amazing when our body physically responds to turmoil we are feeling! The physical/emotional/spiritual connection is fascinating to me.
I have two perspectives on this guy. First, he may be a “player”. He is using Maddison as an object of possession. She is little more than a physical possession for him to use and discard later. If this is the case, she should get away from him quickly.
My second perspective is that he has a wounded heart. He may have been in a serious relationship before that ended badly. He was deeply wounded by the love of his life and never thought he would love again. Then Maddison entered his life. He might be in an emotional battle with himself. He wants to be in the relationship but is so traumatized by the failure of the last one that he holds off on promoting this one. He wants to see it through first. If this is the case, they need to have a discussion about his wounds, and he needs to seek counseling. I hope, for here sake, it is the second option. It means he is a good man with a soft heart that just needs encouragement.
I hope you are right on #2 as well. Thanks for being that voice–it was well stated. As I’ve written before, it’s so important to assume the best about people and find out where they are coming from, but I think it’s still wise that this girl not engage with him at this point–which I’m sure you do too.
If my second perspective is correct, then disengaging him may cause more harm than good. He may shrink back into an unhealthy comfort zone that he fought so hard to get out of. Then, he will probably never attempt to get out of it again. There is no easy answer for this scenario. He has to be willing to seek help, and she needs to be patient and supportive. However, if he is not willing to admit a problem or seek help, then she needs to push him back into the friend zone.
Wow, she’s a TERRIBLE singer!
Thanks Robert. You speak as though I am not in the room. (-:
Love your stuff Joy, but… uh, not like Miles Davis. Sorry! (c:
And great advice. Sad to say, no. It may be that he’s not ready, or mature enough, or whatever, but it’s best to take that step back and get that perspective.
Exactly!
Maybe it’s just MY version of Miles Davis you don’t like… I think Robert ^^ feels the same.
Aaaaaand now I want to go to Portland.
You should!
Definitely agree with your thoughts, Joy. That sounds like a sad situation!
I know. )-: Some commenters have given some other good perspectives, but sadly I don’t think this lady should be making excuses anymore.
Amanda thinks...
A-to-the-Men! I totally relate to this and just went through something very similar, where I heard “I just don’t like people knowing my business (a.k.a. who I’m dating).” I would say it’s definitely a red flag, and girl, you deserve much better. It’s hard to let go of something, but there *is* a guy out there who will *want* to introduce you to his family and *want* to introduce you to his friends. I’m sure that you want someone who is proud to be with you, and it sounds like you’re not getting that.
In my situation, after we broke up, he still treated me like a girlfriend when our friends weren’t around or when we’d go to concerts together. We have good chemistry but don’t work as a couple. We hadn’t set good breakup boundaries and finally (after 5 months of it) I called and said “This is what I want in a guy and I’m not getting that from you, and I want you to treat me like you do your other girl friends.”
Sorry for the book. I was just glad that I could relate to something. 🙂 Maddison, feel free to email me if you want to talk more!
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