One of the most common phrases I’ve written in response to the Ask Joy emails I’ve received over the years is, “God is not trying to trick you.” I believe this old post–which I’ve updated for today–is an example of what triggers this type of question. But it also gets at the deeper issue we all need to face when we’re left wondering if we’ve misunderstood “God’s leading” in our life.
We may even wonder, “God, did you lie to me? Do you even care?”
Photo Credit: Branden Harvey
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First of all, I’m sorry. Not only do you have confusion with God, but you are probably feeling alone and reeling from the last 18-month investment you just made in another human’s life.
The reality is people can make choices that may be right and may be wrong, but we might not ever know why.
Regarding God’s orchestration, the mystery becomes intertwined with our limited human understanding of the way He works. It’s a deeper theological question of whether God dictates everything we do or whether He works in the midst of human beings and their choices, be they good or bad.
People will always have different theories about this, but my encouragement is for you to ask yourself what YOU believe to be true.
Questions for you to consider:
- They’ve walked away, but does that mean God didn’t orchestrate the meeting for some reason?
- When you feel pain, how does it affect your view of God?
- Can things be true about God even when our circumstances seem to communicate they might not be?
My human understanding of relationships feels the pain of your loss.
My spiritual understanding of God believes He has the power to redeem this situation and your heart–and I say that without trying to sound trite in the midst of your heartache. But His orchestration may simply sound different from the symphony you thought you heard.
So my encouragement for you is to embrace the pain you feel right now. Engage your community and keep your truth-telling friends close. But, most importantly, ask yourself what you believe to be true about God and read Scripture to see what He says to be true about Himself.
Asking these bigger questions in the midst of your pain will help shape the lens through which you see God. Because, trust me, there will be many more things in this life that don’t make sense and sound a bit flat.
The Psalms are filled with questions, doubt, praise and proclamation, and God welcomes your songs of lament. A good chunk to check out would be Lamentations and Psalms 27–34.
Know that you are not alone in your questions and sorrow.
From my heart,
Joy
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Thanks Dustin! It’s something I feel like I will mentally be “hooping” through my whole life!
Thank you for writing this. This is something I really struggled with after my last relationship–there were so many little things that seemed like more than a coincidence. I really felt at peace with God while I was dating him, knowing that God was working in my life through this relationship. But I think what I’ve learned is exactly what this post says–that just because a relationship is over, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to happen. God can work in your life through a relationship, even if it doesn’t turn into a marriage. Now, I can see the ways that the little seeds that were planted during that relationship are now bearing fruit in my life that might not have been there otherwise. It’s still hard sometimes, but I know that I am growing.
It is totally hard Becca! And thanks for sharing about your journey. As I find myself telling people often… the hope is that you are only going to marry one person. If you date and it ends, that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. In fact, by getting out there and dating to find the person you want to marry, most likely means you are doing something right! Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though…
This is a great post. Thank you, Joy!
God is always good, always faithful.
Ashley
Thanks Ashley!
Wow, that question breaks my heart. I’ve had painful circumstances that made me question God. It’s hard. When you have had something or someone “taken” away from you that you clearly thought was from God, your whole foundation can become unstable. I think your questions Joy are the perfect way to focus on the bigger picture. If we are Bible believing, than we have to trust that when God said He is good, He meant it. Faith requires that we don’t trust our human eyes, but trust the Truth.
I think pausing long enough to recognize that you’re hurt and questioning God’s goodness helps. That’s okay. He’s big enough to take it. Then let Him do His work in your heart, while you do what you can to make peace with the circumstances.
Yes Jennifer — like you said, if God is who he says he says is, then he’s big enough to take it. And I believe that if all of our answers were cut and dry, then we would have no need to pause, commune with God and be in relationship with him. So the mystery of it all keeps us in relationship with a God we can not see but choose to believe.
Well said!
Thanks Aromie!
Joy, this was a really great response on a really difficult and common topic. I have wrestled with these thoughts on both ends – being the one who felt God spoke to them and being the one ending what the other person thought God spoke into. It sucks greatly on either end, haha. Your understanding kept it very simple in that yes, there can be a great deal of hurt and damage that cannot be minimized but that we are humans who make decisions and that God can redeem what has been lost or given in that relationship. Well done.
Hey John–Hope you are doing well! Good to hear from you. Agree with what you said and it’s especially really “fun” when the break up talk is because God told them too. (-: https://loveandrespectnow.com/2012/02/ask-joy-holy-break-up/
That’s more than my mind can handle, haha. God telling one side to break up and the other that they’re gonna get married. ….my goodness, the things we attribute to God
This brings up an interesting array of debates. First, is there only one person for us all? If so, good luck trying to pick one out of 7+billion. I say that in a bit of jest. I believe we have multiple choices, and when we find a right choice, our actions determine the success or failure of the relationship. However, I also believe that there are those relationships that just seem perfect. I was in one for 4 years. I spent the first 2.5 years convincing her parents to let me date her. We had a good relationship for one year, seven months, and two days. It all fell apart in those last three months. The difficult part now is that it all seems like it happened just a couple of years ago when the reality is it ended waaaayyy back in 1998, 16 years and one day ago to be exact (I can even tell you the time it ended and the conversation we had verbatim).
It can be a challenge to see God’s grace or will in the ending of a “perfect” relationship. Which draws me toward another debatable issue: Was the failure part of God’s plan or was it due to our human choices? Some people believe in predestination to the point that they would suggest God’s will is being played out in the failure of a relationship. In some cases I might agree. However, I believe in free will and choice. The failure of our “perfect” relationship was the result of our imperfections. I made choices that I realize now pushed her away. Since I’ve read the Love & Respect book, I have recollected many situations that could have been handled differently between “the one” and me. That relationship could have easily transitioned into a lifelong marriage, but obviously it didn’t.
That does not, however, remove or detract away from the sovereignty of God. When we make choices that cause us failure, it may not be God’s perfect will being played out in our lives. Instead it is our imperfections blocking God’s will from being played out (think of the story of Samson. I don’t believe it was God’s will that Samson be captured and enslaved). However, God’s grace can lead us in a new direction that still serves him. And if I don’t stop now, I might end up writing a book’s worth of rambling.
Wow – that’s an intense story Nathan. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of introspection AND that you’ve read the L&R book as preparation and insight gets me so pumped up!
I admit that the first 15 years was filled with hatred, bitterness, and anger towards God, her, and myself. I was a broken man that didn’t know what to do. Earlier this year, I went to the Smart Conference where I was introduced to your family’s ministry and the book. That’s when the real introspection started. It’s tough to change after all these years. There was an odd comfort in my bitterness, but God’s desire is for us to learn and grow in the difficult situations not get trapped in them.
Hard questions, Joy, hard questions.
They’ve walked away, but does that mean God didn’t orchestrate the meeting for some reason?
— This hasn’t happened to me in a relationship, but from my experience with crushes I can say looking back I see how I have grown from the experience, so I would still see there to be a reason behind each one.
When you feel pain, how does it affect your view of God?
When I have felt deep pain, it does seem to lead me to question the character of God… but each time I have done that, it seems to be less difficult and less time passes before I return to the balance where I know God is control, works for our good, etc. Perhaps I am learning? I hope so.
Can things be true about God even when our circumstances seem to communicate they might not be?
Absolutely. It can be very difficult to see, but I always find that time passes and the truth remains the same.
Have you read The Chosen by Chaim Potok? It changed my view of the reason for “suffering” greatly both times I read it.
Hey Evelyn — thanks for the book recommendation. No I haven’t heard of it but I will look it up. Thanks!
Dustin thinks...
Wow.
Well done.
We often jump through all sorts of mental hoops in an attempt to make things “make sense.” And though God is in control, our understanding of that truth will determine how we respond.
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