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Hey Joy,
I am a 34-year-old guy, and I haven’t felt a huge rush of teenage- or twenty-something emotion during the last few dates I’ve been on. My married friends said I shouldn’t use chemistry (or lackthereof) as a litmus test for what a relationship might be like in the future.
But the thing is, I remember watching these same friends act goofy when they were first entering a relationship with their (now) spouse. Is it wrong that I want the same experience? Will that excitement fade away with marriage?
-Drew
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For the married/dating folks: I’m so glad you want to counsel your unmarried friends who may have unrealistic expectations. However, as you counsel others, please remember that your story isn’t necessarily their story.
For Drew: Give those girls a chance and remind yourself that love that lasts will grow. However, as I said in my more extensive video on chemistry, sometimes it won’t grow, and there are reasons why. So give yourself a break if you’ve tried.
For Everyone: In marriage, feelings may wax and wane, but that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice during the days where your attraction is less.
_______
From my heart,
Joy and the Slothstronaut
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Great example Michaeleen–It’s obviously important for me to not use “all relationships are different” as an example to not pay attention to people who are waving red flags about the person I may date, but it’s also freeing to know relationships can be different and still successful! Your approach and understanding of your own relationship will help you listen well and not try to put your unmarried friends relationships into a formula, but they will know you care and will most likely take your insight when you give it to them. So from an unmarried lady, I say thank you!!
I love this. I’m 29 and in a very serious relationship. We have been dating for over a year and a half, but met almost two years ago. When we first met HE was the one with the in-love feelings & I initially did not have them nearly as strong. We decided to just be friends (well, I was the one who decided it would be best to just be friends) & after 6 months of a friendship with healthy boundaries – we were spending A LOT of time together and things became a bit ambiguous. After some wise counsel I decided to let my guard down and give this amazing man a chance – even though I was still hung up on not initially having “fireworks” feelings for him when we met (which made me think it wasn’t “right”). As our relationship grew, as I learned about misconceptions I had about how relationships “should” look/feel like, as I started to let my walls down, and as I worked through some fears…our love for each other, two broken and imperfect people, deepened and continues to deepen. I get butterflies when I see him now. I miss him a ton when we have multiple days in a row apart, I want to share everything with him, I want to love him well and bring out the best in him. I have learned that we are different people so we have differences (should be obvious but I still had to learn!), and that love is a choice…not something that feelings alone should be responsible for. I would have missed out on an incredible person and a beautiful relationship had I kept gripping to the misconception that I HAD to have crazy, intense feelings RIGHT AWAY. I had some feelings and there has always been a chemistry between us, of course, but they didn’t intensify until our relationship was more established. Everyone’s story is different & it’s really really rewarding when you learn to embrace YOUR story instead of comparing it. If there are no red flags, if you have a few people to seek wise counsel from, if you are willing to take a look in the mirror and face your misconceptions and fears (many of which I didn’t realize I had until they were right in front of me), then I believe in my deepest that giving someone worthy of your time & trust can lead to a very fulfilling relationship. Our relationship isn’t sustained on butterflies or fireworks, but they are included. 🙂
Such a great story to add to the mix! I loved reading this and I loved your last line: “Our relationship isn’t sustained on butterflies or fireworks, but they are included.”
Glad you gave them a moment to grow!
How about this? Feelings/chemistry should not necessarily be the *only* litmus test.
Yes! Wisely and simply stated. Maybe that should have just been my response. (-: Thanks Bill!
michaeleen rood thinks...
I love this. I always appreciate when people give relationship advice, but it’s definitely important to remember that just because your first year of marriage is hard doesn’t mine will be, or vice versa. Just the other day I was explaining to someone my relationship with my husband and I told them it’s very different from other relationships. I think too often people assume there are these general standards we all must expect in our relationships. Thanks for digging up this oldie and goodie!
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