Hey Joy,
My husband and I just heard the Love and Respect message. Now, whenever we get into conflict, he shuts me down by saying, “You’re being disrespectful.”
How am I supposed to bring something up to him if this is always his response to conflict?
-Kelsey
_______
I would advise you to take the time to discern your guy’s personality. Is he a good-willed guy who just heard the message for the first time and is trying to share his heart (albeit incorrectly) about how he feels when you guys fight? Or is he actually a strategic and manipulative guy who is abusing the Love and Respect message?
If he is good-willed, here are a few things you can do to move forward:
Hopefully over time, he’ll be able to learn how to better express himself and trust your heart in your marriage and partnership.
Check out the video for more of my thoughts!
_______
From my heart,
Joy
P.S. Want to hear more about the Love and Respect message? This is one of my favorite books by my pops, or you can check out their newfangled blog.
DID YOU LIKE THIS POST?
CHECK OUT THESE RELATED ARTICLES:
Ask Joy: Which Comes First, Love or Respect?
Illumination Guest: Alece Ronzino – Respect Thrown In My Face
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
“The same way I would want them to do for me.” Yes, yes!!! It is so much easier to talk about this stuff as oppose to live it out, but thank you for the good words Jennifer.
That’s good, Joy. And a great question, Kelsey. You might also ask your husband (calmly), “Can you help me understand exactly what I am doing right now that looks like disrespect to you?”. He may be getting flooded and not have any other words for avoiding the overwhelming fear of losing you.
Calmness is so key and that is a perfect question. If questions are not accusatory, they are usually convicting in a really inviting way if the person who is being unreasonable can see your heart is to understand. Great words Caleb.
Hi Joy, how do interpret the given advise when it is a woman on the other end? Is this advise still valid, when it is a woman who shuts down a man by using the word “disrespect” every time as a closing argument?
You bring up some good points here. Then you cut to food and I lost my train of thought. Then, I watched it again and stopped the video before it went back to food. HAHA For some of us guys, it is hard to express our thoughts and feelings. We are taught to suck it up and deal with it; Real men don’t cry; ignore it and it’ll go away; etc., etc. It may be that he needs time to digest the situation and come up with an answer. That was one failure in my last relationship. I would leave when an disagreement started because I needed to think it through before having the discussion. However, I never voiced that necessity to my girlfriend. It may be that Kelsey’s husband is the same way. He needs time to work through any emotions involved and sort out a proper path of discussion before proceeding. Just a thought. Now about that food…does it come with a gluten-free option? I don’t mean to be “one of those people” but gluten does bad things to my nervous system.
Jennifer thinks...
I think one of the best things I’ve learned from the Love and Respect message is the idea of pausing long enough to evaluate what you know about a person. If you know the person is a good-willed person (even if their actions aren’t reflecting that at the moment), it’s easier to look past their actions and at their heart- the same way I would want them to do for me. I know my actions do not always reflect my heart. *Still working on living this out*
| at |