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“Is she The One?'”
“I’ve found The One!”
“He definitely wasn’t The One.”
For as long as I’ve been doing Love and Respect Now, and probably for years before, “The One” debate has always been a hot topic. Recently my father and I were interviewed by Relevant Magazine on things the Church has gotten wrong about dating. This question inevitably came up.
Photo Credit: Sarah OskayThe night before the interview I had been with a friend who grew up in a church setting that prophesied and TOLD you who you would marry. No pressure, folks. If someone came toward me to lay a hand on me in prayer for THAT reason, you can imagine I would be ducking and dodging like a game of Whack-A-Mole. Some of you don’t subscribe to that extreme of a view, but you still believe God means for you to be with that “one and only” person.
Here’s the thing: You might be right. I don’t think it’s necessarily a black and white issue because we don’t know exactly how God works. However, based off what I can see in Scripture, I tend to believe I could be married to multiple men (hopefully one at a time).
Here’s why:
1. Scripture says nothing about God having only one person for us.
2. It DOES say in I Corinthians 7, if a woman becomes a widow she is, “free to marry who she wishes, so long as it is in the Lord.”
What seems to be important to God’s heart is that I choose wisely based on what I say I believe, and trust that His words about marriage are a tool to refine us and a gift to show us His love.
The motivation behind a person’s desire for “The One” is commendable, and I would imagine stems from the words in Song of Solomon 3–“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” However this passage still seems to imply that she has made a choice. Once our soul, heart and mind has said, “I Do,” then it seems to me we should all move forward as if he or she is “The One.”
In the interview, my father said something that I had NEVER heard him talk about before. He said,
“When people ask me about ‘The One,’ I often ask, ‘Why are you asking this question?’ Because if they get ‘Yes’ as an answer, then they think that it will somehow make dating, engagement or the process or marriage easier.”
In other words, if we think there’s only one, then we will either sit back and wait for “The One” to come to us, or we will look for anything and everything to disprove that someone is “The One.” Taking it further into marriage, when it gets rough we might convince ourselves that we have to leave, because obviously we were wrong about them being “The One.”
Our personalities can play a big part in how we make decisions, and sometimes we try to twist and turn theology or God’s heart in order to support what feels safest to us.
I’m no theologian, but we probably shouldn’t do that.
Finding a formula may make things easier for the moment, but when it abdicates us from being thoughtful and prayerful in our decisions to be or stay with someone, then we aren’t seeking wisdom–we’re actually being lazy.
From my one and only heart,
Joy
Guess what?!?! Today is my 500th published post. Because of that and how much I like you, leave a comment and I will pick a winner and send you a FREE COPY of Love and Respect and a YEAR-LONG SUBSCRIPTION to Relevant Magazine!
DID YOU LIKE THIS POST?
CHECK OUT MY OTHER POSTS ON “THE ONE”:
The One: Part 1 – “Is There Only One?”
The One: Part 2 – “How Do I Know?”
The One: Part 3 – What If There’s No-One?
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Very relevant post <– See what I did there? Huh? Huh? But seriously, I find a lot of my friends saying similar things and it's just not true. Many men might be the one for me but they're not the one until we say I do.
Congrats Joy on your 500th post!
As for this post, well done 🙂 I especially like this: “Finding a formula may make things easier for the moment, but when it abdicates us from being thoughtful and prayerful in our decisions to be or stay with someone, then we aren’t seeking wisdom–we’re actually being lazy.”
This is a GREAT perspective about “the one!” I’m not the greatest with words and have never been able to express my reasoning well as to why I believe there could be a variety of “the ones” (not all at once like you said lol) and now I have coherent words to back up my logic! Thank you for all your wisdom and insight! God bless!
As someone who has moved cross-country a few times for my job, the idea of “The One” has always felt primed for disaster. What if I move from city A just as my “One” is moving there? What if I don’t move to city B and my “One” lives there? The concept feels to me like it robs us of our agency to make wise choices.
I completely agree. From a dating perspective, the concept of “the one” also puts tremendous pressure on potential mates. To me, it’s says that if you show me some imperfection, you must not be the one. It tells us to search for that “perfect person”…. Which will eventually lead to disappointment and unrealistic expectations of the other person
I love, love this post, Joy! (And congratulations on 500!!) The idea of a “soul-mate” (or “the one”) is actually from Plato’s Symposium (along with many other whacked out ideas about love). I’m not sure how, when, or why it oozed into the church, but I’m curious to find out, if possible.
As Christians, it seems the idea of “the one” can paralyze us into not dating. I know I was so afraid of entering a relationship with not “the one” that when my first relationship ended, I felt like a failure, and like I had totally let God down. The beautiful thing about the gospel is that no relationship need ever be a waste of time. Sure, it might not work out–but what did you learn about yourself, the heart of God, and relationships in the process? God is in the restoration business, and he’s really, really good at it. If we believe he can use other ugly situations in life for good, why don’t we think he can use our “failed” dating experiences for good, too? It seems to me that we need to chill out and enjoy the freedom to choose who we want to date while relying on copious amounts of wisdom and prayer and learning as much as we can about God and people.
I used to lean toward the view that there was only one out there for me. Now I think there could be several that could be the one, it’s choosing the one to love. (In my case, actually meeting any one of them would be a great step! lol) It really reminds me of the predestination/ free will discussions. God already knows who we will marry (or not), so is “THE one” predestined to be our spouse? Or do we have free will to choose between options? Either way, GOD knows, and I’ll just leave it with Him. 🙂
I love your thoughts on this! I think what your dad said is SO true! People seem to think if ANY argument or hard time comes along they aren’t with the right person, but really those difficult times have the opportunity to make our relationships SO much stronger if we let them! Good post as always Joy! 🙂
Blindly following the idea that there is “The One” out there for us it is tantamount to abdicating our FREEDOM to CHOOSE whom to Love. Choosing whom to marry or not to is probably one of the top two most important decisions you can make in your life. The importance we place on the choice turns it into a hard one to make, even when we know we do love someone. When we blindly seek “The One” we are searching for what we think is the easy route, but ultimately it makes things so much harder.
Everything i know about marriage seems to say that the single most important thing you can do when you are married to to continually CHOSE to LOVE your spouse. Chose to Love when things are hard AND when things are easy.
Loved this post!! I had to take hope and confidence in there not being just one for me a long time ago. I thought I had met “the one” and then we went our separate ways, and for almost four years, no guy even grazed my path. But, after much faith and patience, this summer God brought my husband into my life. We aren’t married yet, but we have sought much prayer and are certain that God has brought us together for marriage! 😀
I love this! I find it fascinating that as Christians we put so much emphasis on finding the perfect spouse, when Jesus himself was not only unmarried but taught that marriage isn’t something that translates in Heaven–so in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t what we should be focusing so much of our lives on. Not that this makes being single any less challenging, but puts life into perspective.
I’m definitely torn between these two viewpoints. When I was younger I truly believed in “the one”, but as I’ve gotten older I’m not sure what to think anymore. As you say, this isn’t a black and white issue and I often find they grey area to be the most difficult one because you find that you have to decide yourself.
PS. For some reason throughout this post this was the background music in my head:
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you what you know about these things?
#loveistoughandcrackiswhack
Thank You for your post! I am in agreement with you! Had you asked me a few years ago, I would have not…but through years of talking to married couples and conversations with the Lord…He gives us a choice! He wants the best for us BUT we do need to be thoughtful and prayerful in our decision.
Thanks for sharing!
Yay 500! This topic about ‘the one’ reminds me how grateful I am to have met my husband and got married relatively quickly before we could over-analyzing things. Now we are married and definitely convinced we are the one for each other. My husband always says ‘you were made for me’ and vice versa. I agree with him…but I also know we were made for so much more than for each other. I like what you said about once married, you gotta have the mindset that this is the one! Before I was married, I knew with much confidence and peace that I WANTED him to be the one. But I still tried to hold onto that desire loosely. Now he is the one!
Having grown up in church and private schools, it felt that there should be “the one.”
After thinking about it now though, I believe God will provide “A right one.”
I think its encouraging to know that there is more than “The One”. It definitely takes an element of worry/anxiety away (What if I missed him? What if I was supposed to go to THAT school and meet him? What if I wasted my time? What is he dies? What if I die?) But, I do agree that it adds an element of responsibility for us… We do get to choose, hopefully with God’s wisdom, but thats exciting. It opens us to action, not just waiting around.
It’s hard, when our culture clings to this idea of “The One”; from Disney to Nicholas Sparks, we have been taught this wildly romantic protocol, which is hard to get away from. But again, knowing that there are many potential husbands out there is encouraging. There really ARE plenty of fish in the sea! Don’t get hung up on trying to find “The One”.
I really appreciate the blog. It’s given me so much valuable insight into my life and into potential relationships as a young adult. Thanks so much for doing what God has called you to do because you’re making an impact, whether you realize it or not, in many, many lives.
This is so true. I think that if we all individually focused on becoming the right person a lot more, and focused on the elusive “one” a lot less than there would be a lot more people prepared for marriage. 🙂
It’s more important to commit to that person, for better or for worse, than to assume they’re not your “soul mate” because they do something that seems out of character. That person becomes your soul mate when you get married. That’s what unconditional love is.
I have just recently discovered this ministry (the Now part), and have thoroughly enjoyed watching all your videos (haven’t made it through *all* of them yet, but I’m getting there 😉 ). Thank you for all you do!
First and foremost I would truly enjoy a copy of L&RN; I’m a real bookworm and I would really love to read and share the wonderful insight that L&RN would provide.
To the topic at hand; I couldn’t agree more. Choosing our soulmate isn’t a fairy tale process, no matter how bad we would like it to be. I for one have never felt the “butterflies” or felt the “spark” with my wife or any woman I have ever dated in the past. This is not say that I am not a romantic, my wife would actually argue the exact opposite; even on valentine’s day when we both deliberately avoid sending gifts to each other and instead we fill the rest of the year with suprise love notes and gifts at home or work.
I chose my wife by biblical standards, elderly counsel, and of course God driven guidance. It was quite methodical in a sense. Through the 1 YEAR that I dated her I romanticized her to heaven’s end but I also included her in the “vetting” process. I even encouraged her to really judge my character and test my mettle. I made the emphasis on 1 year because by that time you should really know whether or not you will pursue the relationship further and avoid leading people on. Even though I have never felt the classical mythological signs of love, what I have experienced is a true and ever growing passion to serve, study, and build this wonderful woman that God graced me with. There is no shred of doubt in my mind that I will continue to dedicate my life to God, in servitude to this magnificent and delightful woman that God placed before me.
I can truly say with all conviction that I AM in Love and I don’t need the validation of a fairy tale to define that. So to all the ones looking for the “one” don’t sell yourself short; God has placed Billions of people on this earth and he has left a fail proof guide to your soulmate’s heart. GOD bless you all.
Horray– 500 posts!! You rock, Joy! You’ve made a huge difference in many people’s lives (I sound like a fortune cookie – literally this was on a fortune cookie I got yesterday..it still holds for you, though). Thank you for your wise words and the laughter you bring on what is a complicated and often challenging area to navigate. 500 more??
Hi!
I did subscribe to this thinking probably in high school. I think it was apart of that true love waits movement. Welll, I am 29 now and become oh so much more practical. I do believe there is still wisdom is choosing someone based on prayer and the wise counsel of others. Do you think that this thinking also goes along with the lists mentality as well? Anyways great post and I am so thankful and hopeful that the church is kind of shifting away from ‘the one’ view. As I have grown in my faith and only get older with no prospects and a desire to get married, I think this view may be the cause for individuals to be hesitant to get to know and date, because they are waiting on ‘the one’
Thank you for this article Joy! I too have friends who believe in “The One” concept but, as your father said, it gives people an EASY way out when things don’t go as perfectly planned. In my opinion, it’s better for me to focus on becoming a better woman, learning how to deal with conflict and keep a household up, etc, so that I am better prepared for marriage.
My question for you, Joy, is this…
After many failed relationships, I feel that I really need to draw closer to God and have a GREAT, amazing relationship with Him. How can I learn how to do this? As a single Christian, I see so much more on how to be ready for marriage or how to improve a marriage, and not much on how to maximize the single season of life. Do I need to know what Love & Respect Ministries teaches? YES! I have no doubt this info would have saved me TONS of heart ache over the years and will prevent some additional heartache in the future. However, I want to make sure that I’m filling my emptiness with God instead of trying to fill it with another man.
My apologies for the long comment, but this is really on my heart today. Thank you for your blog and helping others. CONGRATS on your 500th post!
Good question! Check out this post by my friend: https://loveandrespectnow.com/2014/03/your-life-begins-today-not-at-the-altar-katelyn-beaty-illumination-guest/
Congrats on your 500th post! This post reminds me a lot about what an old youth pastor’s wife once told me about the issue. She said that as long as you are in God’s will you have the freedom to pick who you want to be with based on personality, looks, etc. Everything eventually boils down to trusting that through God he can make any relationship work, because he is the ultimate example of love in the first place.
So what you’re saying is that there won’t be a neon flashing sign pointing to him when I finally stumble upon him at a most serenditously preordained time? Ugh.
I’m never getting married. *Le sigh
Ha. Completely kidding.
I wonder if for some people referring to ‘The One’, it would be better denoted using lowercase letters, ‘the one’. From my perspective when I think of the phrase ‘the one’ I don’t intend it to mean “the one and only, uniquely chosen before time and set apart for me’ future husband. But rather in my mind I envision it to mean that I have made the choice to spend the rest of my {assumed} life with this one particular person. Likewise this implies there are those whom I’ve not chosen to spend my forever with. Because I will obviously not be marrying someone else at the same time I am married to this ‘one’, therefore making said chosen male, ‘the one’. You feeling me, dog?
Honestly I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about these things but as I read this post it made me reflect on what that phrase would imply to me personally. And I agree that for the majority of people The One is probably somehow mystified and magic forces of divine appointment are assumed. I also realize that I am often an anomoly and mainstream thinking may differ from my own. And I’m ok with that.
I guess this is a really long post just to say that when people throw around that phrase, it might be interesting to dig a little deeper to and find out exactly what it means to them. Subsequently I would like to add that I’m agreeing with you. I just thought a different perspective on what the phrase ‘the one’ might imply could be thought provoking -and perhaps even life changing, if I may…. {insert ridiculous amounts of me laughing at my self here}.
In the meantime, if you need me, I’ll be over in the corner fasting and praying and waiting expectantly for my knight and shining armor to arrive. I hope he drives a muscle car.
Good point about if we believe there is just one, it makes it easier for us to quit or find reasons not to try. Because if there is one person meant for us, it shouldn’t be so hard, right?
I definitely don’t subscribe to “the one” mentality, although I do think there are some matches that are better than others. But marriage is definitely a choice and your hope is to make a wise choice… and choose to continue to make that same choice daily.
I am short on sleep, and read this as, “I tend to believe I could be married to multiple men (hopefully AT ONE a time).” I thought I would have to quit reading you for good. Whew. 😀 Great post. Very helpful. Speaking as a phlegmatic who doesn’t like decision making in general, I think you are right to examine the motivations behind the questions. Focusing on The One might mean we are just hoping for an easy way out of a serious decision.
This post remembers me a lot of a a video I saw some days ago. Id was about soulmates. The funny thing about soulmates is, that it comes from the greek culture. The storys tells that the humans made the God’s angry, so they decided to split them in half, and since then, humans have only two legs, two arms and one face – but, they go around searching for their soulmate to feel complete again… So this idea of a soulmate, only one person for me, is just an idea that comes from that. If you think about it, it is a very passiv attitud, or a very stressfull one. What if he ist not the one!? What if this guy I met is the one, even if I am with someone else? Than I’ve to brake up, because he isn’t the one…
So, I think, well, I know, that God is very wise, and here we can see this again, that he is also practical. I don’t have to be rich to fly around the world so I can find THE ONE, I can stay here and search, look, for someone that I want to be with.
Because of your first appearance on the Relevant podcast, I started following. I loved the advice you and Eddie gave and continue to give. And now I watch you videos and listen to your dad’s podcast even though I’ve never read the book.As a 30 something that hasn’t dated much its been all very helpful.
Instead of “hopefully one at a time”, I read “Hopefully at one time”. I had to read it like three times before I saw it how it was actually written. Had to check and make sure you weren’t looking to juggle multiple men at one time. * I didn’t think that’s what this sight was about. 😉
I totally agree with your perspective. I used to get caught up in “the one” but I think that became for me hindrance in relationships. One, it was a good crutch to use when I just didn’t want to risk dating. Two, it took the pressure off me in a way- not that I think not having “the one” adds pressure- only that in that scenario God did all the work to bring me “the one”. I could just sit back and let it be. Now, I have to check my heart and do the work of relationships. Does that make sense?
Good stuff.
Thank you for this!
Love is a choice. Marriage is a choice. There isn’t a “one”, there is the act of loving someone who is imperfect and making an active decision everyday to continue loving them and investing in that relationship. We marry because it’s God’s plan for our lives and the way we live in that marriage is part of our honouring him. 🙂
I think looking for “the One” is an unintentional exercise in selfishness. Few people looking to find the One for themselves are actively working on trying to become the One for someone else. We want someone else to meet all our needs and desires without thinking about meeting their needs and desires.
The truth is, nobody starts out as the One for anyone else. The more Christlike we become, the more of a fit we will be for someone else who is also endeavoring to become Christlike. This process doesn’t stop with the wedding ceremony, either. A couple should be becoming more Christlike and becoming more and more the One for one another throughout a lifetime of marriage. It’s only in retrospect, when you can look back on a life together, that your union seems inevitable and you can’t even imagine who you would have become with anyone else. And that’s a great thing.
Absolutely agree. Although I think I found a perfect fit with my husband, I have no doubt that we both could have been compatible with someone else. Well, me for sure – he’s a bit of a handful.
This is exactly how I have felt about it. I believe there are several people you could be happy with. Which one you end up with depends on the time and place you are in your life and when you feel ready to settle down. I passed up several awesome guys because I wasn’t ready to be married. So they moved on and when I was ready to be married was when I met my husband.
I read Love and Respect when I was married. It helped my relationship very much. Sadly, my husband of 23 yrs died 3 yrs ago. Now I am dating again. Its terrible!! Even when dating so called Christian men. I wish someone would write a book for those of us in this situation in our lives. We know what til death do us part means. Now how to live after that????
I believe that there can only be so many people who complete us, therefore there is that one person that would be the right foot. Also, God had predestined our future. He will always make a way for that right person to come into our lives. There are no accidents with God
I liked your comment that you “could be married to multiple men, hopefully one at a time.” I dated a guy once who proposed after 4 or 5 dates – it was a rather long-distance relationship – he was convinced it was God’s plan for us to be together. When we broke up, he asked if I thought God’s plan had changed. I told him no, I didn’t think it had. I thought it was in God’s plan that we be together, I didn’t know for how long, but to learn from each other and go our separate ways. I’m glad I stuck with that belief and made a better choice for my soul! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Definitely sharing this! I have lots of friends who need to read it!
I’ve heard it said that there really isn’t a “one” but that someone becomes the one. So instead of finding someone who is perfect and exactly what you need or want they become that perfect person. Makes since to me, especially since when we’re around the right people we want to be our best and become our best. =)
Joy, congrats on 500! I was hoping to be the 500th person to say that, but I guess I’ll settle for 80. 🙂 I used to be in the camp of thinking that things would be easy if I could just “find the one”. However, as I have studied God’s Word, the Bible, over the years, I have discovered that this idea does not line up with God’s character as revealed in His Word.
A few thoughts:
(1) First of all, I believe that God is still the Sovereign Lord of the universe and is therefore omniscient (knows everything). I believe that God, in his omniscience, ultimately knows who I am going to marry one day. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I know who that person is going to be (until I actually marry her – see point 3). After all, God is God and I am not. If WE knew the answer right away then we wouldn’t have to seek God concerning this most important decision – and He wants us to seek him.
(2) As Emerson pointed out, it’s really the thought behind the idea of “The One” that becomes a problem. People with this paradigm are inclined to think that if they can just find that person, then they can avoid all the hard work and marital struggles that others seem to have and, dare I say it, “live happily ever after.” Not only does this set up unrealistic expectations, but it is also an expression of that heinous sin known as “pride” – and God is quite clear on the fact that he “resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
(3) It has been said that the person you marry BECOMES the one at the moment that you marry them. In other words, once you make a choice and actually DO marry someone, he or she instantaneously attains the title of Mr. or Mrs. Right – leaving no room for second guessing the choice of “one” when things get tough in the marriage.
My former pastor put it this way: The concept of there being Just One Person for you for the rest of your life is illogical. What if you’re in your state and they’re half a continent- or half a world- away? What if they have an accident and pass away before you meet? What if they don’t realize it and marry someone else? It’s a romantic fallacy that there’s Only One Person for each of us. Thanks Disney.
I mostly agree with this, but I do feel there is another danger – which is more prevalent in my experience. That is almost the opposite, that you can get together with almost anyone. I see that you don’t say this, and clearly, if someone is working on their relationship with God, and working on relating to everyone well, they probably won’t fall into this. It may well be true that God doesn’t just have one person for us (though He does still sometimes – though rarely – tell people who He has chosen), but He knows that certain people would be better for us than others. And He knows them better than we do, so He could well guide us towards or away from certain people.
I think it’s key to realize the insecurities behind stating ‘the one’. It’s more important to begin becoming like someone’s future spouse & once connecting with someone, learning how to grow & discern together.
Love your advice, thank God for real wisdom & advice! I’m a big fan 🙂
Jenny thinks...
I often get annoyed by this perspective as well. What if I already missed him? I think God gives us more options than that.
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