The people I know who are well-liked and have lots of friends are people who ask genuine questions of the people they meet. Sadly, some of us are a tad socially awkward and the thought of asking questions makes us want to hurl.
Or maybe you are like me and over compensate for awkward scenarios by asking lots of questions to be in control of the conversation. For a while, I had a tendency to be on a first date and ask a barrage of questions so I wouldn’t have to be asked anything. Then I could leave and tell my friends it wouldn’t work out because, “They didn’t even ask me a thing!”
I know, I know, I have issues.
Honestly, many of us are becoming less and less comfortable asking questions of substance and genuinely listening because we live in a time of telling. And often what we are “telling” is of little importance.
Photo Credit: Crista Whitney
The key, I believe, is finding the balance between asking, listening and sharing. In one of my improv classes I was actually called out on asking TOO many questions in a scene. I was told (and it makes sense) that asking so many questions without giving any information puts all the work on the other player.
The best scenes happen when both players actively listen and give information, which helps the scene build or show that they were really listening. Therefore, in order to be less socially awkward and build good relationships, I give you:
FIVE SLIGHTLY SCIENTIFIC STEPS TO BEING LESS SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND BUILDING BETTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH HUMANS WHICH WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN TEN EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95.
(+ S&H)
1. Be Genuine: Don’t just ask the question you want to be asked back. (And if you have an agenda in the conversation, ask yourself why and/or be forthright about that agenda.)
2. Listen: Instead of thinking about what you want to say next. (And if you aren’t someone who listens, maybe ask yourself why.)
3. Jump! Metaphorically speaking, on phrases the person might say like, “But that’s a whole other crazy story.” Ask them to share more or inquire about non-verbal cues of excitement or stress.
4. Share: If a story, contributing fact or something of matching vulnerability will create empathy, understanding or a connection, give them that information so they will feel less alone. But don’t force a story and don’t be a One-Upper. Nobody likes a One-Upper.
5. Pause: If you are a hyper-question-asker because you don’t want to talk about yourself or you can’t handle silence, stop. Be comfortable with silence and waiting a second, because the reality is they may notice in that pause that they’ve been talking the whole time. (However, opening your eyes really wide and staring as you wait for them to ask you something is not what I’m suggesting.)
Some of this might sound familiar and that’s because it’s a topic I find myself referring to often. People email asking for those posts, so here you go! A few of my favorites in one bright, shiny package.
The Art of Asking Questions: Part 1 (2011)
The Art of Asking Questions: Part 2 (2011)
The Art of Asking Questions: Part 3 (2011)
Ask Joy: Asking Good Questions (2012. Also, this is the video above that I’m SURE you just watched.)
Two Questions to Ask Before Getting Married (2014)
…and a video as well!
So, let me ask you… (picture me with really wide inquisitive eyes.)
If you know my friend, Eddie, then you’ve probably been asked his favorite question, “Who hurt you?” (Lead with this question, per my example at min 52:12 of this Relevant Podcast. It reeeeeally gets the awkward party started.)
From my “So, how many siblings do you have?” heart,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Well I didn’t have a front light on my apartment porch but a friend just fixed that for me – now coming home I feel safer! Not sure if that’s what you meant but it’s the first thing that popped into my head. Love that Jennie Allen and all her good questions.
The one question I get asked a lot is why I’m still single. I usually shrug my shoulders and reply that I like my quiet house. The truth is that I’m so socially inept that I usually can’t even talk to you beautiful women. An example of my social awkwardness happened when my cousin tried to set me up with her sister-in-law. I said, “Hi.”, followed by about 20 seconds of awkward silence. Then another cousin interjected and started a conversation about the gal’s dress. At that point I opened my mouth and involuntarily blurted out, “IS SHE RICH? BECAUSE I’M NOT INTERESTED IF SHE’S NOT RICH!” That led to more awkward silence and me saying, “Sorry….Yeah, um…Sorry.” That’s one of a few fine examples of what happens when I try to make conversation with a woman. HAHAHA
Well we’ve all had our moments Nathan. I think I told a story on one of the recent Relevant podcasts where I made a FOOL out of myself when trying to strike up a conversation with a guy in a coffee shop. I asked if he had been to the post office lately. No method to the madness. It was just madness.
Check out the links to the other videos/posts and I think you will start to get some insight on casual conversation. The best thing you can do is ask something simple like, “What do you have going on the rest of this week…” and then just listen. There should be SOMETHING in their answer that can give you a follow up question to ask about. Pray that the Lord would calm any nerves that keep you from listening and DONT beat yourself up. We all have our moments, but the difference is if you keep trying! Practice on your mom and sisters. (-:
HAHA Yes, I do remember your post office story. That is how most of my conversations end up, unless I have no interest or attraction to the person at all. Then, I can carry on a great conversation. It’s annoying. Oh, and to answer your question, “So, how many siblings do you have?” I have one sister. (At this point in the conversation I would turn and walk away in order to keep from blurting out something stupid).
Oh! I just thought of a normal-person question! Do you have a favorite book, and if so, what is your second favorite?
As youth group leaders, we just had meeting a couple days ago and talked a lot about asking open ended questions. One question that I really liked was “Tell me more about that” It gives people an opportunity to think and choose to share more and kind of take ownership of what they’re sharing with you. I thought it was cool!
Yes! That’s such a great question and like you said, they can pick and choose what they want to share, but they sense your interest because you picked up on an interesting part of what they just said.
Joy,
Hope you’re doing well. Why are you so passionate about asking people good questions?
Great question Chris! (-: Because so few people know how to do it, and simultaneously want to be in relationships with each other. And it’s difficult to get into a relationship if you can’t get outside of your own head and engage with another human being. Hence, we need to practice letting ourselves know and be known.
You may get this one a lot: Do you feel extra pressure to be good at relationships because you’re dad wrote a great book about how to do relationships well?…. If you didn’t before, do you feel it now? Jk
Maybe not extra pressure, but a heightened feeling of failure when they don’t work out because, well, my dad wrote a book on relationships. (-:
As a PK, there was an unspoken pressure to be a “good Christian,” so I wondered if the similar thing was present for you, too… Another question: How has your relationship with your dad influenced your relationship with your Heavenly Father?
One of my favorite questions is ‘What has been the highlight of your day?” Or “What did you do yesterday?” It give people a narrow context to answer the question, instead of ‘How are you?” or ‘What’s new in your life?”
I am also working on giving gift-filled statements rather than asking questions in improv. I also have to keep practicing my listening without an agenda!
Yes Beth! I find at this coffee shop I go to they always say, “What do you have going on today?” or at Trader Joe’s my old roommate and I always thought the cashiers were hitting on us because if it was Friday they would say, “What are you up to this weekend?” So yeah, maybe they asked everyone behind us too, but the interest made us answer more specifically.
Another one that is like that is “What made you smile today?”, reminding people of the goodness in their lives (whether they know Jesus or not).
A good question that gets at people’s passions or interests… if they are selfish or not is:
“What makes you come alive?”
I don’t remember who asked me that, but I’ve not forgot the question.
Julie (@julespreever) thinks...
Two brothers and a sister. Never a dull moment. 🙂
Also, some friends and I are going through the Restless study together. While I don’t have the book in front of me, I’ll paraphrase a good question from there that we asked each other last night. What about your place makes you afraid? (Your place being just wherever you find yourself spending your days!) It definitely brought about some deeper conversation. That study has been full of hard/good questions.
That’s not really a short answer question for ya, so I’m definitely not expecting an answer. And it’s definitely more of a small group question. Ha!
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